My balls have never felt so free.
It pleated guilty.
Then she told me to take off her heels and bra, then she told me to take her panties off. And then she told me to stop wearing her clothes
He nearly kilt me. I poked him in the aye in defense.
That certainly wasn’t the Eiffel I was expecting
She pleated with me.
Because I'm a huge fan
Doctor says: " I can clearly see you're nuts."
But then he put tu and tu together.
He kilt himself.
Wrote it myself.
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
They asked me "are you more of a skirt or a handbag?"
I thought about it for a second and confidently chose handbag.
"So you admit it! You're an accessory!"
Policeman: Can you describe the shooter? Waiter: 6 feet, white male, grey shirt and a skirt made of parsley. P: Parsley? W: Yes. It was just a herb he wore.
The British were simply out-plaid
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
‘Cause I “kilt” the last guy who called it a skirt.
Because it's a queen and always wears a skirt.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Because God knows what happened to the last guy that called it a skirt.
Mom: "Dave, can you help me put the tree skirt on?"
Dad: "Sure, but I don't think it will fit you"
I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."
Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"
I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"
You know there's a lot of standing up and sitting down during services. When my uncle stood up, the woman in front of him turned around and slapped him in the face. And then she did it again. I heard he was then banned from church.
Later on I asked him what had happened and he said, "Well, when we stood up, I noticed her skirt was in a wedgie so I pulled it out. Then she slapped me. So I put it back."
And that is why my uncle is not allowed in church anymore.
The family and I stopped in at local store to buy some things. Driving home from store I hear an "oh no!" from the back seat. My daughter was holding a new bottle of bleach on her lap and I guess the lid wasn't on tight and it spilled a little on her skirt. We get home and she and my wife are working diligently on trying to prevent any stains from forming on her black skirt.
Me: "I hope you understand if I say I hope things don't turn out all white"
Wife: disgusted and odd stare in my direction.
Daughter: "What?"
They continued to ignore me the rest of the evening. I guess I failed; or maybe succeeded.
GF: I wear this skirt so much I think it's getting holes in it.
Me: I see two big holes in it.
GF: Where?!
Me: (points) Right at the bottom and right at the top
GF: (punches me)
My sister realized her dog tore the old skirt that goes under the Christmas tree and was talking about buying a new one.
Her: You and I can buy a new skirt tomorrow.
Him: I don't know, I'm more of a pants kind of guy.
This afternoon my wife was sewing Halloween costumes for the kids. My daughter is going to be her favorite Disney character, and my wife asks me how long I think the skirt should be.
Me: "Well, you are making a Minnie skirt!"
Explaining how I learned to tie knots to work a high ropes course over text message
Me: It's nice and meditative, although it's frustrating not knowing how to dress a knot properly for awhile.
Eagle Scout Dad: You mean in a skirt? Or pants?
Me: Dad. You just dad joked me.
Eagle Scout Dad: Someone named Dad has to do it sometimes. Can't always be a meme.
