My wife bought store brand ketchup despite the fact that I like Heinz. I threw it out, so now I guess she knows....
....Heinzsight is 20/20
And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'....
But he hesitated.
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
A man was tired of drinking well water as he didn't like the taste. In fact, he hated it so much that he decided to destroy the well using dynamite. Unfortunately...
It didn't end well.
At that moment, Dr. Frankenstein knew what it felt like to be God.
Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."
But that's just generally speaking.
I became a member of a cult, it’s a group of people that like to be awkward and challenge others.
It’s called the Diffi cult.
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, “It looks like rain.” His wife says, “You don’t know that.” To which he replies,
“Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear.”
The doctor said that it looks like my wife got hit by a truck
She has a great personality though
My fiance told me she likes my beard and that it's starting to grow on her
I told her: No, it's growing on me
It’s said that time flies like an arrow
But fruit flies like a banana.
My bro doesn't like it when I call him that
Guess that was the wrong bronoun.
Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a “phone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it “Phone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
I told my friend that it feels like I'm dating a machine these days.
He advised "lever".
What's that smell? It smells like sweat and Old Spice.
But that's just my two scents.
Wife: It's amazing how those woodpeckers can just cling to the tree like that.
Me: Yeah they must be very talonted.
With a slogan like that, it would be hard not to be.
Daughter's video game character got turned into a vampire, she didn't like it when I said, "That sucks."
Jeez, I make a perfectly good vampire joke and that's the fangs I get.
I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1,2,3,4..." and I don't think he'll like it.
But it's the thot that counts.
Now that we’ve discussed “why the chicken has crossed the road”, what does it look like?
It’s poultry in motion
what is six inches long with a head on it ,that women like to blow?
Money.
My daughter said to me "Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?"
I said "It's growing on me."
Really ticked me off! Barging in like that uninvited. So gave it my best shot.
What do you call a patient that handles their physical therapy like it’s a cake walk?
A PT Cruiser
I like to claim that the Greek Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal
Those Catholics are real sensitive sometimes
For people that don't like Minecraft, it's all about
Thinking Outside the Blocks...
I asked my friend if he wanted to see that new Stephen King movie adaptation and it felt like a betrayal when he declined.
"It 2, Brute?" I had asked.
"Is it weird if I really like the mountains that separate Europe from Asia?"
Nope, Ural good
I told my dad that I didn't like his beard at first, but it's growing on me...
"Actually, it's growing on me."
Got me with it this morning.
It seems like a missed opportunity that Bobby Flay never married a woman named Sue.
Did you know that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it?
He always said "for I do not speak of my own Accord"
I ordered an Italian salad, and it didn't even have any of that bitter, red, cabbage-like stuff...
How utterly radicchio-less.
What's the name of that dog that likes to eat other dogs? Oh thats right, it's the...
When Mrs. Exclamation told her husband This that she was pregnant with her second set of twins, he was very excited. As had happened with her first twins, the babies looked nothing like their father. He didn't realize it though, and once again she put his name on the birth certificates.
Now This raises more questions.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
