A list of puns related to "Inside And Outside"
Cucumber
A pear in an elevator.
Pineapple... Obviously!
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Half a watermelon
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
to keep him posted
You open the fridge, put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.
You open the fridge, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.
The elephant, because the giraffe was in the fridge!
The green car parks outside.
Because they are really good at it.
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Giraffes eating cherries.
The giraffe. He is still in the fridge.
Because they were in the lion's party.
He got hit by a brick!
Two kidneys on the inside and two kid knees on the outside!
One evening a big, rough, tough, gravel voiced Texan was travelling through a small town on his horse. He spots a local tavern and decides to get a drink. He ties his horse up, and heads inside.
He approaches the bar:
'Bartender! Get me a shot of your strongest whiskey'
He quickly knocks it back, and heads outside. When outside, his horse has gone. He storms back inside and announces to the punters:
'Listen up! I left my horse tied up outside not 5 minutes ago, and now she's gone. I'm gonna have 3 more shots of this here whiskey, and if she ain't back, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And trust me, I do NOT want to do what I did in Texas. Bartender! Get me another whiskey!'
So he knocks it back, and heads outside to check. Still no sign of his horse.
'I'm warning you, 2 more drinks to go, and if my horse ain't back, I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas. And believe me, I DO NOT want to have to do what I did in Texas.'
The punters sat there nervously, fearing what could happen if the horse doesn't turn up. He knocks another shot back and goes to check on his horse, but still no sign. He crashes back in to the tavern:
'This is your last chance. If my horse ain't there after this last drink, I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas. And I repeat I DO NOT wanna have to do what I did in Texas. Bartender! Get me my last whiskey!'
So he sinks his last drink and heads outside. Much to the punters relief his horse is back! They all breather a collective sigh of relief.
As he's mounting his horse, one brave soul approaches him and ask 'Sir? If you don't mind me asking, what happened back in Texas?'
'Well son, back in Texas, when my horse went missing.... I had to walk home.'
If a girl who is a Tsundere is cold on the outside and sweet on the inside...
and a girl who is a Yandere is sweet on the outside but murderous on the inside...
What do you call a girl who just wants to wash and fold your clothes?
...Laundere
...and the bartender says: Hey! Can't you read the sign? No strings allowed!
The string walks back outside, ruffled his hair, tied himself together and goes back inside.
Taking a seat at the bar, the bartender walks back over and says: Hey! Aren't you that string?
To which the string replies: Nope, I'm a frayed knot!
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.
The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!
After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
But at the door there was a sign saying no chocolate allowed. M&M hesitates.
"Hey guys, I might skip this one. I'm a chocolate. I'll catch you guys later" Skittle and Jelly Bean protest. "Nah man, you'll be fine, you're candy on the outside. Come in with us, it'll be fun!" Says his cousin Skittle. "Yeah, if anyone has a problem with you, we'll look after you" says Jelly Bean.
M&M decides he will go in, encouraged by his friends. They all have a good time, and no one mentions anything about M&M being chocolate on the inside.
The night is going well then suddenly the front door bangs open and in walks Vick and his gang of vapour drops. The party goes quiet as Vick surveys the room. His eyes stop on M&M.
"What the fuck are you doing M&M? Can't fucking read the sign? No chocolate allowed."
"But I'm candy on the outside, it's OK, right guys?" Protests M&M weakly. Jelly Bean and Skittle back off into the shadows, leaving M&M by himself.
" I think we need to teach this smart ass chocolate a fucking lesson, let's take this outside." Says Vick.
The vapor drops grab M&M and drag him outside and start beating him up, cracking his shell through to his chocolate. The gang walk away leaving M&M barely conscious on the lawn.
The next day in hospital, Jelly Bean and Skittle come to visit their friend, feeling bad for him. "Why didn't you guys stick up for me?" Asks M&M. "Man, you know Vick, there was nothing we could do, he's fucking menthol."
Gastroenterologists have heard every colon/rectum/bile/poop-related joke ad naseum, but I managed to sling a couple of original zingers while being prepped for my colonoscopy.
#1
Me to anesthesiologist: How long have you worked at this clinic?
Anest: About a year. Been with field medical teams my entire career. This is the first time settled down in a clinic...and first time in gastro.
Me: I see. After years in the field, how do like working in an orifice?
Anest.: LOL, no idea how I haven't heard that one yet.
#2
Doctor: We're administering the sedative now. You'll wake up in the recovery bay where I'll brief you.
Me: OK, I'll see you on the outside...[getting groggy]...after you see me on the inside...
Doctor: OK, I'm stealing that one....
The year is 2100, there is a fisherman who just finished dinner and he asks his grandson to go 'get the old bay' so his grandson goes into the pantry and gets the old bay seasoning
The old fisherman says
"boy! that's not the old bay! go and get the old bay!" so the grandson goes back into the pantry, and he looks everywhere, but he can't find anything marked "old bay"
So he goes back to the old fisherman and says, defeated
"I can't find the old bay"
The fisherman groans
and walks outside
a few minutes pass by
and then the old fisherman comes back inside with his wife
and says
"THAT'S not the old bay"
and then he points at his wife and says
"THIS is the 'Old Bae'"
note: I've told this joke at my job in two separate meetings. They are quite fond of "dad jokes" so I thought I would try to share it, and I gotta tell you. The silence was deafening both times. It's now evolving into an ironic joke we tell to make people cringe. So proud of it.
Their names were In and Out. They lived in a hollow tree stump with their mother. Sometimes they liked to play inside, and sometimes outside.
One day, In was outside, and Out was inside. Mamma skunk asked Out to go find his brother. So Out went out, to bring In in. A short while later they both came inside. Mamma asked Out how he managed to find his brother so fast.
He smiled and said: "Instinct"
Meanwhile, I was listening to some music on our TV on YouTube, to be precise, the album "Inside", by Bo Burnham. My dad walks in, sees the title of the album written on the screen, and says: "if you were painting the outer wall, that would be 'Outside', right?"
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.
The monk replied "religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead.
Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee.
Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble.
Daughter: You're an idiot.
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and outside at the same time?
When it's standing in the doorway of the barn.
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
2 sides, the inside and the outside
There are now over a million subs for this silly, corny, beautiful feed of dad jokes.
Link to PROOF: http://imgur.com/ksprvA1
A million subs is a big number.
If we put a million subs end to end, we'd be able to reach a very small part of the way around the Earth... Double that if they were foot long subs, and we'd make it all the way around and more if they were the kind of subs that go under water.
That's why I'm amazed.
Well done everyone on being amazing dads with amazing dad jokes. No matter what kind of dad you are - inside or outside expected dad norms - keep the world laughing and shaking their head.
(I'll keep this stickied for a short period of communal celebration and then go back to the shadows as normal. Keep doing you, dads.)
Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.
The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”
Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.
Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”
Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.
Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.
Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.
Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.
Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.
The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.
Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”
Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”
Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”
Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.
Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.
Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas
... keep reading on reddit ➡2: an inside and an outside.
He was also fond of:
What looks like half a butterfly?
The other half.
Son : I told your Tom Jones joke at school today and nobody laughed.
Me : Where did you tell it? Outside in the playground?
Son : Yes
Me : It must be an inside joke then.
Any time we'd go to drive somewhere... "And we're off like a herd of turtles!"
"What would you like to eat?" "Food." "What kind of food?" "Edible food."
"If you're American outside the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom? European!"
"I'm thirsty!" "Hello Thursday, My name's Friday. Would you like to go out on Saturday and have a Sunday?"
And then, of course, he convinced me (or maybe I made it up in my little head?) that if I drank enough carrot juice I would be able to see in the dark, haha.
Wish I could remember more... He passed away when I was 8 or so. I'll happily share more if I remember them sometime. Heh, when he told my sister and I that he had cancer he insisted he had probably just swallowed a big crouton. :')
(On the topic of going home after a doctor's appointment)
Mom: Wait for us outside the office or come inside with us because I don't feel well and I don't want to take the bus.
Dad: Well, then don't take the bus just get on it!
What animal can fly and eats stones? the flying stone eater.
How does an elephant come out of a river? Wet.
How do you stuff a giraffe inside a fridge? You open the fridge door, you put the giraffe inside and you close the fridge door.
How long does it take for a rock from the top of the Eiffel tower to fall to the ground? It doesn't, because the flying stone eater eats it.
What's green and smells like blue paint? Green paint.
What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.
What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and can't climb trees? The fridge with the giraffe inside.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's green, 40 feet long and hangs from trees? Elephant snot.
What's wet and has wheels? The elephant from the river, I lied about the wheels.
We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns.
So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it.
"Those are my food puns."
I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle.
"And these are my cheese puns."
My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle.
"Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle?"
"No," I say, "Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest."
It's a family tradition to make homemade chili when it gets cold out. My girlfriend and I went through a full size crocpot of it in one afternoon. The next day I stepped outside for a smoke and suddenly, it hit me like my ass had just struck oil. I ran inside, scrambling towards the back of the house, but she thought I was running in from the cold and asked, "Chilly out, babe?" To which I replied "All of it!!!!"
edit:grammar
My dad has this habit of pretending he didn't hear what you said, and then "repeating" it. Like if I said I was going to see an art show, he'll say, "You're going to a FART show? I had no idea you'd have any interest in that!" Lots of jokes along those lines, amongst others.
When I was younger I would laugh because he was kinda funny, and also to make him happy, but as I've gotten older I laugh not JUST because he's funny (in a corny way) but because the fact he still makes these jokes makes me so happy and really warms my heart. My mom is physically disabled, my dad has a bunch of health issues, we've all suffered terribly at times because of all this illness. And no matter how bad it gets, my dad is always there trying his hardest to put a smile on other people's faces and to lighten the mood a bit with his jokes. I've always been the type of girl to mope and be depressed when things are hard, but as I've gotten older I've tried to be more like my old man because I think it's something really special and admirable and selfless about stepping outside of your own negativity to give others something to laugh at or smile about. My dad is such a fuckin hero, I love him so much, and I can't imagine how unbearable this world would seem at times without him trying to make us all laugh.
So to all you dads telling your corny dad jokes, don't ever stop. Your kids and wife might groan or roll their eyes, but inside they love their corny old man and appreciate the goofy puns and fart jokes you tell!
Funniest horse puns and jokes
A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: “Hey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: “What, George?”
A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. “Evenin’” says the barman, “why the long face?”
A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: “This alright?” The barman says: “Hmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”
A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” “Why, what have you got?” “About £2 and a carrot.”
Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. “Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!
A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
“I’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. “We don’t serve spirits..
A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.
What did the horse say when it fell? “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.
Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!
What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?
What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo
... keep reading on reddit ➡And 5 guys in it A bartender A news journalists And 3 friends Everyone expect bartender is smashed and the news journalists gets up, and walks out, he walks off the cliff and just floats. There, he walks back inside. One of the 3 friends says, wow, how did you do that? The, news journalist says " wow, at this time of day, at this time of month, in this specific cliff, there's a gust of wind that will let you float there for about an hour " the other man goes "really" " yea" so the man walks outside and off the cliff and falls to his death. The bar tender says "super man your a dick when you're drunk 🍺😜
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
When I was a kid, I asked my dad how many sides a pyramid had.
"2 sides, an inside and a outside."
Dammit dad.
Bartender says, "we don't serve strings here."
The string goes outside, ties himself in a knot, frays his hair.
The string goes back inside. The bartender serves him a drink and says, "hey wait a minute, weren't you that string from earlier?"
And the string says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
I said "on the inside or outside?"
He walks out the front door, comes back in and says: "Both"
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Two! The inside and the outside
Two: inside and outside.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
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