My Kids are in the Prime of their life.
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︎ May 13 2021
The saddest activity in my life...is crushing coke cans.
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︎ Apr 27 2021
My cat got sick, so I had to give it some pills. To make my life easier, I wrapped it up in ham.
When it couldnβt run away I could jam the pills in no problem.
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︎ May 03 2021
My best friend got sentenced to life in prison, and I wanted to console him
I said, "Imagine you're a cat!"
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︎ May 07 2021
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot in my life has changed....
Like, my name, phone number, and address
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︎ Mar 17 2021
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I donβt want him to spreadsheet about me.
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
He said "I can't complain"
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︎ Oct 13 2020
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. Itβll open a lot of doors for you in life.β
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︎ Mar 23 2019
At one point in my life I wanted to become a plumber
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︎ Jul 31 2020
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
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︎ Dec 30 2019
My girlfriend told me, βI donβt think Iβve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.β
I said, βFloors are beneath me.β
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︎ Jun 15 2020
I think my new dog was a blacksmith in his previous life...
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the gate.
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︎ May 29 2020
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...
That took a lot of balls.
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︎ May 20 2020
Iβve witnessed a lot of crimes in my life...
.. but stealing someoneβs soap really takes the cake.
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︎ Feb 28 2020
What did I say when my son tried to unplug my life support to plug in the vacuum cleaner?
Don't do that I'll dyson!
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︎ May 21 2020
I've never been Prouder in my entire life
Seriously, who is this Mr. or Mrs. Prouder?
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 04 2020
I rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says itβll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
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︎ Aug 04 2019
My grandpa always told me there are two important rules in life:
1: Never give out all the information.
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︎ Aug 31 2019
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life
He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit
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︎ Feb 22 2020
It really helped me through a dark time in my life
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︎ Apr 26 2019
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life....
I said βno mom! Where thereβs a wheel, thereβs a way!β
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︎ Oct 30 2018
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
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︎ Jan 28 2020
Would you like to be the sun in my life?
DAD: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
MOM: Awww... Yes!!!
DAD: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
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︎ Jan 25 2020
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
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︎ Oct 27 2018
My brother regrets many things in life but mostly he regrets not ever having a wild time before settling down and having kids.
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︎ Dec 03 2019
My friend was taking a pretty horizontal path in life, but I never understood it.
All I could ever do is wander Y.
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︎ Jun 18 2019
One of my favorite times in my life was when my brothers put me in car tires and pushed me down hills
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︎ Jan 08 2020
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life
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︎ Jul 21 2019
Ever since I lost one of my eyes in an accident my life hasn't had any depth.
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︎ Nov 08 2019
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. Itβs time to move on and stop living in ...
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︎ Jun 01 2019
Jokes don't have to be original right? Cause I've only made up two jokes in my life. The rest are from things like this subreddit. XD
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︎ Aug 26 2019
There was a point in my life where I was addicted to all kinds of soap
But I'm clean now, though.
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︎ Oct 18 2019
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
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︎ Jun 30 2019
I have never owned or used a telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
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︎ Oct 14 2020
The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.
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︎ Aug 30 2020
I have never owned a telescope in my life.
But itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 17
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︎ Aug 30 2020
Ive never owned a telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 18
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︎ Jul 25 2020
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
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︎ Oct 06 2019
My wife told me, βI donβt think Iβve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!β
Me: Floors are beneath me.
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︎ Nov 18 2019
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I donβt want him to spreadsheet about me.
π︎ 32
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︎ Feb 01 2020
My wife told me, βI donβt think Iβve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!β
Me: βFloors are beneath me.β
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 19 2020
Her: I donβt think I ever seen you sweep or mop in my life!
Me: Floors are beneath me.
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︎ Apr 28 2020
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. Itβll open a lot of doors for you in life.β
βPushβ and βPullβ.
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︎ Feb 17 2020
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says itβll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
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︎ Nov 20 2019
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