I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
He said "I can't complain"
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.
The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible
So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J
J: You u should tie up your shoes
Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays
J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)
Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)
Conversation deviates
Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard
J: nah
Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables
At one point in my life I wanted to become a plumber
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
I think my new dog was a blacksmith in his previous life...
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the gate.
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...
That took a lot of balls.
I’ve witnessed a lot of crimes in my life...
.. but stealing someone’s soap really takes the cake.
What did I say when my son tried to unplug my life support to plug in the vacuum cleaner?
Don't do that I'll dyson!
I've never been Prouder in my entire life
Seriously, who is this Mr. or Mrs. Prouder?
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life
He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit
I rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
Would you like to be the sun in my life?
DAD: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
MOM: Awww... Yes!!!
DAD: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
My grandpa always told me there are two important rules in life:
1: Never give out all the information.
My brother regrets many things in life but mostly he regrets not ever having a wild time before settling down and having kids.
One of my favorite times in my life was when my brothers put me in car tires and pushed me down hills
It really helped me through a dark time in my life
I've never met a trans parent in my life.
Poor kids, they don't even know how their folk looks like.
Ever since I lost one of my eyes in an accident my life hasn't had any depth.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life....
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
My friend was taking a pretty horizontal path in life, but I never understood it.
All I could ever do is wander Y.
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life
There was a point in my life where I was addicted to all kinds of soap
But I'm clean now, though.
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
Jokes don't have to be original right? Cause I've only made up two jokes in my life. The rest are from things like this subreddit. XD
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
I hate it when people ask me what my life will be like in a year
It's not like I have 2020 vision
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
I’ve never been wrong in my life.
I thought I was once, but I was mistaken.
I have never owned or used a telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
I have never owned a telescope in my life.
But it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
Ive never owned a telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: Floors are beneath me.
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: “Floors are beneath me.”
Her: I don’t think I ever seen you sweep or mop in my life!
Me: Floors are beneath me.
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It will open a lot of doors for you in life.”
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