I have never owned or used a telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
My ex made my life like a fairy tale.
The light of my life, a future dad:
My Aunt Penny keeps coming back to life after her cremation
I guess it’s true... a penny urned is a penny saved.
I have been pushing the envelope all my life
But it still remains stationery.
I was recently burgled. They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank.
It was my entire life savings,
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
He said "I can't complain"
I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and it’s changed my life forever.
I haven’t looked back since
My dad was once playing the Game Of Life.
But strangely, he kept a dictionary as the only other player. I asked him what he was doing.
He said, “Son, in this game of life, you just need to play with words to make a good dad-joke!”
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible
So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J
J: You u should tie up your shoes
Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays
J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)
Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)
Conversation deviates
Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard
J: nah
Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables
This is the peak of my social life
My friend joined a cult who believe that we’ll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...
I said... you’ll be mist...
My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I can’t tell if he’s drawing snakes, mountains, teepee’s, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:
All my life I thought air was free...
and then I bought a bag of chips
At one point in my life I wanted to become a plumber
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
I’ve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
It’s better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over... now I’m
Sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
My life peaked when I finally climbed Mt. Everest
But it's all been downhill from there.
I have fantasised about installing irrigation my whole life
But it's just a pipe dream
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
My friend has completed his life-long dream of visiting Chernobyl
He now radiates happiness.
I had a very good math teacher. He was an integral part of my life. It doesn’t add up that I can’t remember who he was.
He is a real Mister Riemann.
My Dr said I have to take these pills the rest of my life.
I said but the box says enough for 2 weeks?
The dr said.. that’s right.
My best friend growing up is a famous author of marine life books now.
He's mostly known for his polyp fiction.
My life has been full of priceless moments.
Somebody asked me to describe my life as an amputee, but I couldn't answer.
My english teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
I think my new dog was a blacksmith in his previous life...
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the gate.
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...
That took a lot of balls.
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
My Dad told me there are three unwritten rules on life....
I've been worrying a lot about my life since the doctor diagnosed me with insomnia.
It's keeping me up all night.
I don't know how my life would be without my camera
I’ve witnessed a lot of crimes in my life...
.. but stealing someone’s soap really takes the cake.
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
My teen daughter was complaining about life under “Safer at home”. “I can’t see my friends, there’s literally nothing to do that’s not online. Even my classes are online!”
I was able to finally make my baked dough come to life, but it was clumsy...
What did I say when my son tried to unplug my life support to plug in the vacuum cleaner?
Don't do that I'll dyson!
I have never owned a telescope in my life.
But it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
Ive never owned a telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
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