Idioted Puns

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

• “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
• “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
• “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
• “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
• “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
• “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
• “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
• “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
• “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
• “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
• “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

Nevermind

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of their times.

Shes won the "No-Belle" prize

It was a third degree burn.

a drum bass !!

badum tss...

I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.

It was full of Wong numbers.

How?

Well...

Are you going to tell me?

Why are you walking away without telling me?

Forget it. I didn’t want to know anyway...

Because six, seven eight.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

• thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

She was watching our wedding video again.

An oxymoron!

I was dad on arrival.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

She's no better.

37

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She told me to grow up and stop being an idiot. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

Baaaa dumb hisssssss

Fortunately I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

[text has been deleted]

But it takes one to know someone.

A dot.

I don't know

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

There's like no ants there. At all.

After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? ...

I'll tell you later.

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

"Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times"

It was a third degree burn.

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.