Idiotic Puns

So I bought her a candle.

Me: This relationship is what? Over.

So I got her the night before Christmas DVD box set...I kinda wanted an extra copy for my mom

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

• “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
• “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
• “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
• “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
• “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
• “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
• “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
• “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
• “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
• “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
• “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

Nevermind

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of their times.

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

Shes won the "No-Belle" prize

It was a third degree burn.

It was full of Wong numbers.

I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.

How?

Well...

Are you going to tell me?

Why are you walking away without telling me?

Forget it. I didn’t want to know anyway...

Because six, seven eight.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

For example, I know what all you are thinking right now. "It's spelt psychic, you idiot. "

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

• thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

She was watching our wedding video again.

An oxymoron!

I was dad on arrival.

…is known as a baka-laureate.

/Oh I'm such a weeb

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

She's no better.

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

37

Click here to find out!

He sits down.

"I'd like a Firley Temple, pleafe."

A biker nearby starts laughing.

"HAWHAWHAW, what kinda idiot talks like that?!"

"I have a fpeech impediment, I loft my teef in an acfident."

The biker keeps on laughing harder with every word.

"ALRIGHT THAT'F IT! YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET GIRAFFE-KICKED!!"

She told me to grow up and stop being an idiot. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

Baaaa dumb hisssssss

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

Fortunately I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

[text has been deleted]

But it takes one to know someone.

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? ...

I'll tell you later.

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

"Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times"

It was a third degree burn.

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'