A list of puns related to "The Idiots"
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She was watching our wedding video again.
I was dad on arrival.
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.
He has done stupid things before, but this one really takes the cake.
"Some parts are missing."
It's good to keep up on current events.
He says, βIβm applying the turn-a-cut!β
Ba dum, tsss
u/FroYo10101
So I packed up her things, and called me a cab.
My brother-in-law is known as the family idiot, or as my dad calls him, the F.C.P., the "Family Conversation Piece". He said this morning:
"I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to cold water"
To which my dad promptly replied, "I guess that would make you an aquaholic!"
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
Me- "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Dad- "Why"
Me- "To get to the idiots house BAHAHA"
Dad- "That's stupid"
Me- "Fine this one is better, Knock Knock"
Dad- "Who's there"
Me- "The chicken :)"
Me: This relationship is what? Over.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother" Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother" The other man is still in silent... The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother" The second man finally answer with calm voice "Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"
Pretty much the first dad joke I've ever seen that requires a video punchline.
https://i.imgur.com/pfZya7P.gifv
Originally posted to /r/IdiotsInCars/ by /u/My_Memes_Will_Cure_U
She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead.
Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee.
Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble.
Daughter: You're an idiot.
And suddenly Iβm the idiot....
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
She's 7, here's her attempt:
I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.
The doctor called in the womanβs brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.
When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said βOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?β The doctors replied βWell, the girlβs name is Denise!β βOh, thatβs not so bad! And the boy?β βDenephewβ
My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.
EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.
There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.
I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.
Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend: Why?
Me: To visit the town idiot.
A few minutes later...
Me: Knock, Knock.
Friend: Whoβs there?
Me: The Chicken
You moan now but I suspect you are already planning to use this one.
The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.
After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said βLook sheriff we are all too tired, why donβt you guys rest up here and Iβll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I canβt find us some grub?, Iβll be back by morningβ
The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.
The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says βwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!β
Deputy says βwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god thereβs this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!β
βBullshit!β Says the sheriff βyou stay here Iβm going to check this out!β
So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.
The next morning the deputy seeβs the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.
Deputy says to the sheriff β Boss what the hell happened!β
The sheriff looks up from the ground and says βBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasnβt a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!β
No, son, I got all the old ones f-king cut too. Idiot.
The Idiots took my dictionary and my scrabble board. I tell you friends.... I'm lost for words!
I called some relatives and got to hear this gem of a conversation:
My stupid teenage cousin wants to go to some party and my uncle was so cringe. He said to him that everything was dangerous due to exposure and he quoted statements made popular in the news:
Steven: I want to go to Nikki's No School party.
Uncle: Are you crazy? You have to be safe. What about social distancing, Steve?
Steven: I'm not going to get sick. I'm not old.
Uncle: Yeah you can, you idiot. You're not going. Hashtag go home, I mean stay home.
I was like π
Me- I got rid of the crows that attacked the dog today. I took them to a concert.
Wife- What?
Me- I got 3 of them. I was counting crows....
Wife- stop.
Me- yeah I think I murdered that joke...
Wife- please stop.
Me- looks like Iβm eating crow on this one... Wife from the other room- omg are you done yet!?
Me- Iβm giving you the bird right now! You humor sucks!
Wife- lol! You are an idiot!
Fiance: You just got snew all over the place.
Me: ...
Me: ... What the hell is "snew"?
Fiance: grinning like an idiot Nothing. What snew with you??
I ran toward him, frantic, and yelled "What did you hit? What did you hit?" He looked at me as if I was an idiot and replied "The ground Dad. I hit the ground."
She was watching our wedding video again
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
After 6 months, she woke up and asked the doctor about her kids, the doctor said "you had twins and they're both fine". She then asked who names them. The doctor said her brother then the woman started going "No, no, no, no, no, no." The doctor asked what's wrong. The woman said "my brother's an idiot! What'd he name them?" The doctor said "he named the girl Denise. The woman said "oh, that's not bad, what'd he name the boy?" The doctor said "Denephew."
And suddenly Iβm the idiot.....
To talk to the idiot.
knock knock
Whoβs there?
The chicken.
She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."
The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"
The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To see the idiot.
...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The chicken.
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