Village Idiot Puns
Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...
- βI used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.β
- βI once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.β
- βI was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.β
- βI thought about being a witch for a spell.β
- βI tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.β
- βI was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.β
- βFor awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.β
- βI once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.β
- βI tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.β
- βMore recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.β
- βHeck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.β
...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.β
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︎ Nov 30 2016
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donβt mind him. He is just a product of our times.
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︎ Aug 12 2020
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Why was the idiot fired from the banana factory?
He threw out all the bent ones.
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︎ Aug 27 2020
I just saw real a real idiot at the gym.
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
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︎ Jul 25 2020
My girlfriend left me because of my gambling addiction. She claimed I was an idiot.
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︎ Jul 18 2020
How do you confuse an idiot?
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︎ May 23 2020
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
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︎ Mar 12 2020
99.9% of people are idiots
Fortunately I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
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︎ Apr 05 2020
What do you call an idiot with no eyes?
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︎ May 03 2020
How do you fool an idiot into expecting something funny?
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︎ Oct 03 2019
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
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︎ Nov 13 2019
My wife just called me an idiot for constantly mixing up my idioms.
But it takes one to know someone.
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︎ Jan 21 2020
How do you keep an idiot in suspense...
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︎ Nov 29 2019
How many idiots does it take to change a light bulb?
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︎ Mar 08 2020
An idiot goes walking through the woods...
After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.
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︎ Feb 03 2020
My friend said, βYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.β
It was a third degree burn.
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︎ Apr 22 2018
What do ablack hole and an idiot have in common?
The closer to them you get, the more you appreciate their density.
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︎ Jan 11 2020
My idiot friend was caught shoplifting from the bakery yesterday.
He has done stupid things before, but this one really takes the cake.
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︎ Oct 26 2019
Whoever named Antarctica was an idiot.
There's like no ants there. At all.
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︎ Aug 24 2019
[OC]Got a friend who is an idiot when messed up on opioids...
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︎ Oct 16 2019
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Oct 03 2019
What did the sheep, idiot, and snake say when the dad told a joke?
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︎ Nov 20 2019
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
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︎ Sep 20 2019
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed βOuch, what are you doing!!β
He says, βIβm applying the turn-a-cut!β
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︎ Oct 29 2019
Did you hear the recent electrifying news about a drunken idiot who climbed a power pole and got the crap shocked out of him?
It's good to keep up on current events.
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︎ Sep 21 2019
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︎ Jun 08 2019
I saw my wife slightly drunk, yelling at the T. V "Don't go in the there, don't you go into that church you idiot!"
She was watching our wedding video again
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︎ Sep 20 2019
Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but itβs been 45 minutes and they still havenβt turned up.
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︎ May 07 2019
Wanna know how to keep idiots in suspense?
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︎ Mar 31 2019
What do you call a bunch of idiots that fall over?
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︎ Sep 09 2019
What do you call an idiot who clicks on the "POST" button by accident?
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︎ Apr 25 2019
What idiot named them horses...
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︎ Aug 20 2019
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︎ May 18 2019
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
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︎ Dec 16 2018
I used to be a complete idiot.
But then, I lost a leg, wisened up and became an incomplete idiot.
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︎ Jul 15 2019
What is it called when you leave an idiot on an island?
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︎ Jul 28 2019
Two idiots walked into a bar.
Two idiots walked into a bar. I instead decided to walk around it.
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︎ Oct 20 2018
My son asked me, "Dad, what is an idiot?"
I said, "An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?"
He replied, "No."
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︎ Jun 02 2017
My idiot hipster friend started wearing two monocles out in public.
I said, βYou are making a spectacle of yourself.β
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︎ Jun 17 2018
Next time I need an idiot
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︎ Jun 11 2019
Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a chicken...
Edit: No matter how good you are at chess the chicken is just going to knock over the pieces and poop on the board.
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︎ Jun 03 2019
I was putting my son to bed when he suddenly blurted out that his teacher is an idiot who is βout to get himβ.
Maybe home-schooling wasnβt the best idea.
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︎ Dec 04 2018
My wife tells me I can be an idiot sometimes.
I think it is nice of her to give me permission like that.
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︎ Jul 30 2018
My wife thinks Iβm an idiot who canβt even do the simplest things right.
So I packed up her things, and called me a cab.
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︎ Nov 07 2018
If idiots could fly, this place would be an Airport
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︎ Sep 02 2018
A lot of people say that Canadian Prime Minister is an idiot
But I think it's Tru Deau.
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︎ Jun 20 2018
My idiot friend ate a bunch of confetti on a dare.
Later he turned out to be a party pooper.
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︎ Jun 14 2018
How do you keep an idiot hanging?
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︎ Dec 15 2017
Dad: How do you leave an idiot in suspense?
Child: how?
Dad: I'll tell you later
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︎ Jun 03 2017
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot
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︎ May 19 2018
How do you sink a submarine filled with idiots?
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︎ Sep 02 2016
The family idiot was over this morning, and my dad couldn't help himself.
My brother-in-law is known as the family idiot, or as my dad calls him, the F.C.P., the "Family Conversation Piece". He said this morning:
"I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to cold water"
To which my dad promptly replied, "I guess that would make you an aquaholic!"
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︎ Sep 17 2014
Family is sitting and watching Idiot Test and dad hit us with one.
If you've ever seen the gameshow Idiot Test, you know the host asks the contestants why they think they are not idiots.
Host: So what makes you guys not idiots?
Man: I'm not an idiot because I'm a rocket scientist.
Man's wife: I'm not an idiot because I'm a female rocket scientist.
Dad: So she sends female rockets into space.
I just kinda looked over at him while he giggled to himself.
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︎ Dec 25 2014
What idiot called it "insomnia"?
and not "resisting a rest"?
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︎ Nov 21 2013
Idiot
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︎ Oct 26 2013
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︎ Aug 22 2013
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot ?
"Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times"
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︎ Aug 19 2020
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donβt worry about him. Heβs just a product of our times.
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︎ Jul 20 2019
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donβt mind him. Heβs just a product of our times.
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︎ Mar 28 2020
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donβt worry about him. Heβs just a product of our times.
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︎ Dec 25 2019
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
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︎ Oct 14 2019
How do you keep an idiot waiting?
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︎ Nov 19 2019
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
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︎ Mar 22 2019
My friend said, βYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.β
It was a third degree burn.
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︎ Sep 18 2019
My wife said βYou have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiotβ¦β
It was a third degree burn
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︎ Dec 15 2018
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Nov 09 2018
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donβt worry about him. Heβs just a product of our times.
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︎ Sep 22 2018
What do you call a smart idiot?
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︎ Jun 28 2019
How do you leave an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Jun 02 2019
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Mar 31 2019
My son asked me, "Dad, what is an idiot?"
I said, "An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?"
He replied, "No."
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︎ Mar 18 2019
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Oct 06 2018
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Mar 03 2018
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Iβll tell you tomorrow.
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︎ Jan 28 2019
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Oct 21 2017
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Apr 25 2018
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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︎ Aug 22 2017
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