Stalling Society of ...
of ...
of ...
of ...
of ...
America.
Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved.
GF: My goal is to read 85% of my bookshelves before summer.
me: Is there really that much writing on the bookshelves?
GF: ...
GF: You're your father's son, you know that?
I was in my room watching a YouTube video of someone playing Dishonored on my laptop. My dad came in and asked what I was doing. I said I was watching a video game. He's asked what video game it was. I said "It's called Dishonored." His response was "What about Dat-honored?" I fell off my chair at how funny and just plain bad his response was. He's always quoting jokes from this subreddit, so I thought I'd post one about his dad joke.
[removed]
Judge: it's assault
I know it's a salt, is it a crime though?
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
After my dads 61st birthday card, he said one would of been fine.
A+ Honorable child
Broommates
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
It's a running joke.
Happy Father's Day to all Dads that make us laugh with their ridiculous jokes!
Me: Daddy I’m thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
... I think you'd get a real kick out of it.
If you don't like that, get an adding machine, because that's what counts.
"All rise."
The baker said humbly, "you don't need to do that." The rolls responded:
"It's the yeast we can do."
Because their horns don't work.
He was a real stand-up guy.
In honor of Ludwig von Beethoven's 250th birthday ...
What is Beethoven doing to celebrate his 250th birthday?
He's decomposing!
She could be Amanda Mandalorian DeLorean
who passed away this month in 2004, I'd like to repeat something he's said to me often throughout his years.
Dad: "Hey Son"
Me: "Yeah Dad?"
Dad: "See that place over there?" points to cemetery
Me: "Yeah? What about it?"
Dad: "People are just dying to get in there."
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
“In my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
The Aluminumati.
I got him a new watch so he could be on time instead.
Called Neverland Ranch.
I'm really not a mourning person.
Judge: Say no more, may divorce be with you!
Would it be weighted?
Friend: sigh. I can’t believe they charge me $25 to automatically file my state return. Anyway, love you dad hope you’re having an OK day :) Dad: thanks. Love you W-2.
I plan on having a beer outside sitting on our Paddy O'Furniture.
I'd like to share a poem that my own dad wrote for his mom once upon a time:
M is for the many things she gave me.
O is for the other things she gave me.
T is for the things she gave me.
H is for her things she gave me.
E is for everything she gave me.
R is for the rest of the things she gave me.
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers!
where do monsters like to go swimming
the dead sea
It's a distinction without a difference
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
Your honor!
