Not mine but a good pun user who made this deserves rewards
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/note_than62
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What's the best possible reward for a k'ow know joke?

A no bell prize

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Just want to reward good doggos

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes

Husband: They're not for us, they're for the dogs

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Husband: Because they can't make the pancakes for themselves

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/unclematthegreat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Reward your pc with a...
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLittleDeadGuy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Dad: if you can write drawer in reverse you get reward, okay? ;)

Son: let’s do so...!


Now, where is my reward?

Dad: ...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pungunner98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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why was the scarecrow given a reward

because he was outstanding in his field

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ‘€︎ u/nekenetics
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2017
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Hotel Rewards Program

I work as a front desk associate for a major hotel chain that has a rewards program, but the guest checking in, a Mr. Zingone, didn't have it on his reservation. I tried searching for it several different ways, just the surname "Zingone," just his phone number, but ultimately could not find his account information.

So I told him, "Well, you may have had a membership, but it looks like it's... Zin-gone..."

He told me no more humor, just get me to my room. I think he was just as impressed, however.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/failbender
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
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Cashier: "Do you have a Giant rewards card?"

"No, just this normal sized one."

Personal favorite way to achieve an eyeroll at the checkout.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/dgiangiulio228
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2014
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The stunned look on her face was my reward.

My daughter and her boyfriend were sitting on the couch playing COD. I caught her attention, and gently threw a Tide laundry pod at her. She caught it, looked at the pod, and then up to me in confusion. I held eye contact with her for a few seconds and then simply said.... "Podcast!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcloaded
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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Missionary work is so rewarding
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatincomingvirus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Guess the Visual Pun
πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ‘€︎ u/PunPics
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…


πŸ‘︎ 246
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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If you get released from a mental institutional, and then get committed again-

is that re-psychoing?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/guavacadus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Ill give ya

First one to upvote and comment gets my free reward

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/MertAltun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Being a child-psychologist is so rewarding,

You hear the most touching stories!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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People spend real money on special shiny internet points for this site that are usually rewarded to comments that are humorous and witty.

Does that make those comments comedy gold?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/kushala-dankora
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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[0C] Guess the Visual Pun
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/PunPics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ u/theophan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital

It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ‘€︎ u/RavenxMiyagi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…

…free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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I stayed in Australia for a while and was rewarded with the ultimate Dad story

My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.

tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job

Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not β€” when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.

As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.

I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though β€” Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems β€” so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.

Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/L1AM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

πŸ‘︎ 440
πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Lost If Found:

Water-tight bundles of untraceable drug-dealer cash.

Lost somewhere on the beach between West Palm Beach and Nag's Head, NC.

Also, loose pirate treasure of gold or silver.

Sentimental value. Small reward offered.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Returning the lost purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, β€œHmmm . . . that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied,Β β€œThat’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Yes, I can!

Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night.

I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, "Dad, can you NOT?"

To which I replied, "Yes, I can! I just take two bits of string and tie them together."

My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off.

My work here is done...

πŸ‘︎ 991
πŸ‘€︎ u/unfairrobot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2016
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Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.

I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.

Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.

Towards the end of the hand, he went β€œall-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.

When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.

When the dealer counted up his stack he said β€œthe bet is $205”

And I replied β€œah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”

I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScrunchJeans
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/somenewinfo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm disappointed in the the overuse of Dad jokes in today's society

We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.


πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/mnemonikos82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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World of Warcraft introduced a scavenger hunt to find a secret item that involved hundreds if not thousands of people in a Discord spending days and days scouring the entire world for little clues.

The secret reward is called Waist of Time.

Well played, Blizzard, well played.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthEwok42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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Holding my little girl, my wife walks up...

Little one is furiously violating her pacifier when the lady says, β€œI suppose it’s time for a feeding.”

Hand on the pacifier, I looked up and replied, β€œShall I uncork the whine?”

An unwavering stare was my only reward.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/codepoet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”

Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).

How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.

I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.

What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Even in Retail, Dad Jokes Will Find a Way.

A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. "I'm in the club." "I have a rewards card." Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed:

> Me: hi there, did you find everything okay?

> Wife: Yes, thank you. points to my till I'm in your computer, there.

> Husband: How the HELL did you fit in there?

> Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system!

> Husband: GASP You didn't tell me you were arrested!!!

> Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ‘€︎ u/NinaBisk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
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One of my dad's go-to classics when I was growing up

About 8/10 when my dad was checking out at the grocery store or best buy or somthing with a rewards card he would do the same dad joke (which I now find hilarious). If the cashier was a woman, this would go down:

>Cashier: Your total is $x.xx. Do you have a rewards card with us?

>Dad: uhh...I don't think so...

>Cashier: Well what's your phone number?

>Dad: Sorry I don't just give my number out I'm married.

idk if this counts but it was one of my dad's go-to's and the amount of times he did it combined w/ the eye roll punchline made it one to me.

Teenage me cringed, probably gonna do it myself at some point now. I accept my dad joke fate.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sloppysloppyjoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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Got dadjoked for my name & signature.

Must know: My name is Rick.

me: signing a passport (its literally just scribble)

dad: "it looks like a reading on the Richter scale, get it? A RICKter scale"

This was followed by me rolling my eyes and him rewarding himself with a few giggles.... Oh dad.

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheesues
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
🚨︎ report
At dinner...

Sitting around the table in a local restaurant the other night, I finally evolved to my final form.

My daughter, 5, kept dropping her garlic rolls on the floor and was getting really upset. I asked her if she was on fire, and the look from my wife told me that she knew what was coming. My two teenaged sons looked at me with the faces that I've seen a thousand times, yet never get tired of seeing.

"Sweetheart, are you on fire?"
"No, daddy."
"Well, I thought you were, because you can't stop drop'n rolls."

I got all rewards from this one. Groans, eye rolls, and of course I cracked myself up.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ‘€︎ u/chefriley76
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2016
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Joke my dad always says at his office

My dad owns a company, where I work also, that's open Mon-Fri. Whenever an employee does something well or makes a hint at having done a good job my dad always says "Great! As a reward you can take Saturdays and Sundays off from now on"

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ‘€︎ u/ecominded
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Grandma goes to Cold Stone

Took my precious grandparents to Cold Stone for a late night snack. After waiting line, trying many samples and finally ordering and getting our ice cream, my grandma goes to pay. After some searching, she hands the cashier her rewards card and continues to search for her money. After a little more fumbling, she looks up to see the cashier with a funny look on her face and tells my grandma she can't use that card. My grandma is confused and asks, "why, is it expired?" To which the young girl responds, "no, it's just that we're not Ohmaha Steaks."

My grandma is super embarrassed and my grandpa turns to me and says, "it seems your grandma has a case of cardszheimers."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/pennyrae
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad Joke About Euthanasia...

So a co-worker of mine brought up the topic of euthanasia and what we thought about it and here's how the conversation went:

Co-worker: "So what do you think about euthanasia especially involving really young kids?"

Me: "I mean, I think it's awful, they get paid like 5 cents a day, the working conditions are deplorable, it really keeps me up at night."

after a few confused looks by everyone my co-worker replies:

Co-worker: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Me: "I thought you wanted to know what I thought about the youth in Asia?"

The groans were so rewarding.

E: formatting

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trusk_Fundz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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The blind man's seeing eye dog

Pissed on the blind man's shoes.

The blind man said, "here rover, here's a piece of beef for you."

His wife said, "Don't reward him. You can't just let that pass."

The blind man said, "I gotta find his mouth, so I can kick him in the ass."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeingKara
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
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"I've never seen that before"

I use Stocard for Android so I don't have to keep track of physical rewards cards. It works with Android Wear so the cashiers just have to scan the barcode on my wrist. Every single time:

"I've never seen that before!"
"It comes in handy."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/accountnumber3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Got my wife with this one the other day.

Driving down the road when we passed a Xerox manufacturing plant. Pointed it out, "That's the Xerox plant, it's just like the other one."

Rewarded with a roll of the eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScanBeagle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad likes fart jokes

My local grocery store has a rewards program- you get money towards gas at certain stations when you spend there. So I was in line with my dad there and he sees the poster: "turn groceries into gas? I'm great at that!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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