I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed
It was a lovely service...
What do you get when you hit a duck on the freeway?
A quack in the windscreen.
So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to “square up on the ball”
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
I was on the beach and got hit by a massive wave of cake
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said “I bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Once the home intruder entered our bedroom, my wife grabbed a bottle of perfume and hit him on the head.
She thought that might knock some scents into him.
While swimming around, a fish hits its head on a wall and then yells out...
If you hit someone on 11:59:59 pm on a Sunday....
Does that mean you hit them into next week?
Two ninjas are sneaking up on their target when one of the ninjas asks the other: "do you think you can hit him from here?" and the ninja says:
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
My girlfriend hit her knee on a drawer handle
I heard my girlfriend from the kitchen say "Ow!"
I walked in and said "what happened?"
She said pointed to a drawer handle and said "I knee'd this"
I said, "Well, I can get you more"
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said “that gave me a heart attack!”
I told him “actually that was a stroke”
I was walking in a parking lot and tripped. I hit my head on a car.
What did the fish say when it hit its head on the concrete wall?
Recently I took my family on a road trip, and we got a flat tire. When my daughter got out of the car to help, she almost got hit by a car.
Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.
Do you think anyone has ever slapped Dwayne Johnson on the butt and then proclaimed, "well I've hit rock bottom"
Edit: get consent people
"Mr. Rock, may I slap your behind for the sake of an amazing pun that the people will remember for years to come"
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
I hit the nail on the head
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner”
My dog would like to hit pause on his music career.
That means he would like to continue with it.
I just came back from my coworker’s funeral, who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.
My toddler was about to hit his head on a bar at the playground, so I told him to duck.
He quacked at me then hit his head on the bar.
this dude at my school had two separate hit lists. we all knew who was on the white one, but the blacklist? no clue.
So, I went on a date with this dolphin. We really hit it off. We talked for hours.
Dad got hit by a golf ball on the course today...
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today... She wrote it on a sticky note
My 8 year old hit me with this one at breakfast - Where do dads love to go on vacation?
I hit my elbow on a propane tank at work today
I can see why it's not called protickle
My girlfriend hit her foot on the table...
I tried to hit her with the classic "Should I call a toe truck?" She said, "Very funny, but I hit the bottom of my foot." So I said, "Then maybe I should call the Sole Train."
Hit a milestone on my bike today.
I saw my ex in a party so I walked up to her to greet her. She saw me before I could say anything, saying: “I’m taken.” If she thought I was going to hit on her, then...
She’s definitely miss Taken.
Sir Isaac Newton died shortly after being hit on the head with the apple.
He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
My brother hit me with this after I questioned if he should be day drinking on a Wednesday.
"Don't worry, boss said it was ok"
He owns his own business.
Celebrated singer Barry White usually did not pay his restaurant bill - when the time came, he offered to perform for the room, and most of the time the offer was accepted. On those occasions he never failed to sing his famous hit
So I was using the level kit to make sure my shelf was straight. I dropped the thing and it hit me right on the head
Guess I’m a level-headed individual
Tripped and hit my head on a helium tank. I'm okay...
A bit light headed though.
My dog would like to hit pause on his music career.
That means he would like to keep going with it.
I just came back from my coworker’s funeral, who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.
What did the fish say when he hit his head on the wall?
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