...an ether/oar situation...
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
If you do, there will be repercussions!
That was the punchline
That way you start 2021 on the right foot.
D'oe!
A bugilist
I think itβs quite humerus
Dam.
He said it was like shooting fish in apparel.
I'm okay, it was a soft drink.
Me: good grief in full
5 year old: Hi Full, I'm Miriam!
Never been so proud of her in my life.
After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.
He'd been despatched.
It was a lovely service...
Assaulting a salty teen with saltines
My dad just told me this one- hope you guys liked it π
Sycamore
He's a seasoned veteran
Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil
Both can fly if you throw them hard enough
I told him βtread lightlyβ.
For context, my dad had a leg amputation a few months back but heβs been in mostly good spirits about it. We were talking about places to eat in our area, and he asked where one of the fast food restaurants was around here, so I said βItβs at the intersection, where the IHOP is.β
Dad replied, βOh, thatβs my favorite place to get breakfast.β
I never got food with my dad at IHOP before so I was confused, but then it dawned on me what he meant. π
First off, not many people were buying tires, as they were driving less. Then the warehouse got robbed. To add insult to injury, the place caught on fire. For them it really hasnβt been a Goodyear.
A quack in the windscreen.
When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.
When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!
In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.
A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?
Its ass.
He was all bark and no bite
She replied βthe ball is round daddyβ (with a straight face) So I tell her βno, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!β
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says βIβM REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!β Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
It was a tiramisunami
Aretha Franklins.
"You know, he's an expert in his field."
It has really impacted my outlook on life
De pain was real
We're sitting around having dinner, and my wife isn't feeling great about the cooking. My daughter (6) starts critiquing the sauce, talking about what she doesn't like. I told her that sometime you have to read the room and see whether people want their cooking criticized.
She looks at me and says "Dad, you can't read a room if there are no letters in it" and starts giggling.
I said βI bet you donβt have the guts to do that againβ
use your best moove
Reality
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK"
Microwaves!
Why would you? He was a nice kid!
He said it Hertz.
It's like a portal to another REM.
Luckily it was a soft drink.
Dam(n).
Heβs now a seasoned veteran
Dam.
