A singer known for her show in Las Vegas has introduced a line of gourmet mustard...

Celine Dijon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Company came over and we had nothing in the house, so my wife wanted to put out my gourmet cheeses. I refused but she said I had to be a good host

But I don’t give Edam!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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I confessed to my family that I frequently drink until I black out only to find that I have prepared a gourmet spaghetti dinner.

I guess you could say, I drink to spaghett.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaneaaronj
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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Three sheep

A chef entered his kitchen one day struggling with holding onto a large pumpkin. He noticed three male sheep standing next to his oven. One of them had a collar on him with the letter β€œA” written on it. The second had a collar with β€œB” and the third had β€œC.” The chef didn’t know what to do with the sheep, and they were standing in front of the only place he could put the pumpkin down. He put the pumpkin on the first sheep’s head and nothing happened. He then put it on the second sheep’s head and again, nothing happened. He then put it on the third sheep’s head, and immediately the sheep started cooking a gourmet meal and swearing at anyone who passed by him.

That’s what happens when you put a gourd on ram C in the kitchen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Two leprechauns are in the forest eating mushrooms and one asks the other

Having fun,Gus?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brentafett
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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"Who can flip the most burgers?" is a game of high stakes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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Here is what my dad posts to Facebook...

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"


"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)


"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."


"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."


"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."


"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."


"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"


"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."


"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"


"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."


"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."


"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GargoyleSparkles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cuzziewuzzie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
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