Pessimist....Things can't get any worse.

Optimist.....Nah!! Of course they can.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I didn’t think 2020 could get any worse, but someone stole my limbo stick

I mean how low could they go?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kelly10eyck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"

It didn't help, but I knew he meant well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryGoLocky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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My friend keeps saying, β€œCheer up, it could be worse, you could get stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elephants_Foot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:

When will I get adult super vision?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Apparently, if the Coronavirus outbreak gets worse, they might have to cancel all the flights in and out of John Lennon airport.

Imagine all the people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jr1477
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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You think 2016 can't get worse, then Wham!

Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phantom0591
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
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Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orion726
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Puns can always get worse qwantz.com/
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kid__A__
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2017
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My distance vision is getting worse.

The moon was out this afternoon and I could only see half of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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2020 is getting worse, if you guys need an ark

I NOAH GUY

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ineedapapaya
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I haven't been very composed today, and it just keeps getting worse...

I guess you could say I'm decomposing.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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So it's 2021 now, then 2022, and then 2023.

I guess the vision for the future is getting worse.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Never run with bagpipes

You could put an aye out, or worse yet, get kilt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Crime is getting worse where I live, so my dad decided to give me some protection and boxed up his trusty 9mm, a big and a small clip and a bunch of shells for me! [Xpost /r/funny]

https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindymad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2016
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Some say my dad jokes have been getting worse and worse...

This picture says otherwise...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nebnampach
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2014
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Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …

If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/galiyaan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blurose262
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic Β Abbott and Costello Β routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Β The skit ends with a simple β€˜read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. Β This routine was done Β many Β times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10 Β 
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right. Β [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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I'm disappointed in the the overuse of Dad jokes in today's society

We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.

Disappointed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mnemonikos82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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I rented a bulldozer

to get rid of all the small bumps and hills in my garden.

When i was done, it was even worse then before..

I cant even

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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Sleep problems

Son: dad when i wake up in the morning my back hurts. And it only keeps getting worse Dad: just wake up in the afternoon then. Problem fixed am I right?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomosel
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A long one

So, a few weeks ago, someone posted a pretty long dad joke. Here's mine--it's what my dad would call a "Shaggy dog story".

The dolphin trainers at the zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young sea gulls.

While looking for the gulls, a lion at the zoo escaped. The trainers didn't care--they had to save the dolphins. They found their gulls and were making there way back to the dolphin enclosure when they came across the lion. Fortunately, it was dead asleep, having been hit with a tranquilizer dart--but it was right in the middle of the path. So, they carefully stepped across it, and were immediately arrested. The crime? Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esoper1976
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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Pulled this one off while talking to the kids over supper

My son told me that one of his friends was back at school today. I asked him where he had been and he told me he had mono but that it was really bad so it was really worse than mono. I replied with, good thing he didn't get stereo then. Blank stares all around...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/balltongu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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My wife and I were watching Bizarre Foods when she saw the section on Beignets.

I said ... β€œwouldn’t they be called have-yeys?” She said, β€œno. Been-yeys.” I said, β€œbut if they are fresh, wouldn’t they be Have-yeys, and if they were old they would be β€œbeen-yeys?”

She just groaned and said my dad jokes were getting worse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tuningislife
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Been sick lately, went to the doc yesterday. Got my wife good later.

I picked up a head cold from my toddler and was worried about it progressing to something worse. Texted my doc, and he said to come in ASAP. That afternoon, he prescribed for me some cough meds, and a nasal steroid to help with the blockage.

I get home, and after putting the still-snotty kiddo to bed, my wife and I retreated to the boudoir to talk and relax. She wanted to know what Doc prescribed. She gave me the perfect setup for a dad joke.

Me: Oh, some pearls and codeine for the cough, and a steroid spray for my nose.

Wife: Where is it?

Me: (pointing at nose) It's right here in the middle of my face.

She laughed. Good thing we were far enough away we didn't wake up the kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twilightmoons
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
🚨︎ report
There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Clairvoyance...

To wife and her friend yesterday: "I can tell the future, know how?" (In I-have-a-stupid-joke-voice),,,,pause..."I have six cents"...pulling out a nickel and a penny from my pocket. Wait, it gets better worse: pulled out a piece of paper with the word groan on it.

Sometimes you have to set things up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ja647
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Knock-Knock Jokes

I don't think I ever got a knock-knock joke to work on my dad. Couldn't even get the damn thing off the ground.

Me: "Dad, knock-knock."

Dad: "Come in."

Serious frustration. What's worse is that I'd try again. I'd say, "No, but really: knock-knock." And he'd just say, "I already told you, the door's open."

My dad jailbroke the knock-knock joke on his own children.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CRR884
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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When I was a kid we had blackboards now you kids use whiteboards.

The eracism is getting worse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forgotpassword69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
🚨︎ report
In which my granddad out-dads my other granddad

Its my birthday. My granddad on my fathers side wants to tell a joke.

"There are three things that gets worse as you get older. First the memory, then your hearing, then your memory.

To which my granddad on my mothers side responds: "WHAT?!"

My granddad tells the joke again, and my granddad on my mothers side responds once again: "WHAT?!"

"I SAID THERE ARE THREE... oh...ah..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spooget3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
🚨︎ report
When your dad misses no opportunity for a joke

So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.

I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"

Then I start crying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBossOfWhat
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
🚨︎ report
My stepdad cheers me up and brings me down at the same.

Disclaimer: not a regular dad joke.

My wife (+ step kids) and I split up earlier this year and I told my stepdad I was feeling pretty bummed out with it being Father's Day and me now kidless, so I rode my motorcycle to the beach to get some wings. He said "don't worry about it, if I had the choice between being a father or getting wings, I would have gotten wings too." Can't decide if I should feel better or worse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peabo721
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
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I didn't even know he knows geometry...

I got home after failing an algebra exam and I told my dad "I'm gonna get acute depression if I see a proof one more time."

He said to me "You would get obtuse depression if you were doing the math we did in my days."

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanruvi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2016
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/christianleft
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could poke an eye....

Or, worse yet, get kilt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ragnyrok
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
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Ever since it started snowing, my girlfriend just stands by the window and stares...

If it gets any worse out there I’ll have to let her back in the house.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeJaySmall
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out.

Or worse yet, get kilt.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/demotrek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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My friend is addicted to felling trees

He says the more he tries to cut down, the worse it gets

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DyslexicAlan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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