I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
If you name your daughter Margarita, when she talks back or gets sassy you can say,
"I didn't ask for salt on the rim Margarita!"
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
I watched an old lady in a head wrap get mugged for her purse before she quickly stabbed the man and took it back.
It was a shawl shank redemption
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
After going back to college to get yet another degree, some of my friends made fun of me for it.
They were some real 3rd degree burns.
[Request] Right now we're all drinking Quarantinis. What will we drink when we get back together?
Why did the pirate get back with his Ex?
Because that’s where he buried his treasure.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
A disgruntled Google Cloud employee asked me for advice on how he could get back at his boss. I told him...
"Don't forget to tip your server."
Three tomatoes are walking down a street: papa tomato, mama tomato, and baby tomato. The baby tomato starts lagging behind and papa tomato gets really angry, goes back and squishes him. He says...
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
Doctor,my back hurts when I get up in the morning.
Then get up in the afternoon.
I thought my girlfriend looked like she wanted to get back into sewing clothes...
At least that's the way she seamed...
An Iraqi schoolchild gets back home after school
His father asks him:
“Son, what’s that on your back?”
The son answers:
“It’s my bag, dad”
Why couldn't 8 get back up?
When it fell, it was forever
How do game developers get back with their exes?
Jokes like these helped me get through chemo back in 2012
The next Disney+ project, is a Star Wars/ Back to the Future crossover. Deer Brown gets a bounty hunter to stay in the car.
That way, they'll always have the Manned Delorean available.
I gave $1 for a 50 cent candy and didn’t get any money back.
Some people never change.
How long does it take for 2 people dating to get back together after a fight?
The other day, I tried to get a water feeling reptile that smoked weed back to its home, but it attacked me.
I'm not good with crock pots.
We came back from the ultrasound, and my mother in law said, “Did you get to see the fetus?”
I said, “Fetus, Hand-us, Leg-us, There’s practically a whole baby in there!”
Why couldn’t the Italian restaurant’s chef get back into his car?
They really need to get back on track
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
Chinese food take away: $10. Cab fare to get it: $6. Getting back home and realising they forgot one of your containers....
The best way to get back on your feet
A man is having pains so he goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor does some tests and comes back telling the man that he has a bacterial growth in his bladder causing pain. The man asks what's they means for him. The doctor replies...
"I'm going to the store to get some cigarettes, I'll be right back"
My back gate was frozen shut today. Had to try to climb over it to get the garbage to the alley.
I somehow managed to get myself stuck up there. I’m still on the fence about it.
my son told me his back hurts when he gets up in the morning
I told him to get up in the afternoon instead
How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back of a car
The baseballer's car broke down, so he had to get back home on foot.
I can't get them back either
Why did the waiter get fired for taking food back to the kitchen?
My son took a box of crackers out of the cabinet to get a snack. I told him to put it back with the box top facing out to make it easier next time...
I told him it was a get Ritz quick scheme...
My spin class instructor said it might be difficult to get back upto speed after a few weeks off
But it’s just like riding a bike.
Two vampire bats in a cave, one goes out in search of fresh blood in the local village, and comes back with a face covered in red blood. His friend says "what did you eat to get all that?" The first bat replies:
"You see that steeple on that church over there? Yeah, I hit it."
My wife asked me why I always look so miserable when I get back from the blood bank...
It's because I'm A- donor
Chinese takeout: $10.55. Gas to get there and back: $2.42...
...Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
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