Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned.

Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zthazel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I asked my wife if she knew what kind of car I drove before we met...(x-post from r/funny because someone suggested it)

Her: "No, what kind?"

Me: "I drove a Toyota, Pre-us."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WASD_Burn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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Hey Dad, my car is making a funny noise.

Dad: did you laugh?

-Actual conversation I had with my dad yesterday. Still don't know what's wrong with my car.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bornsandyy
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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In a hairy situation with your car? Maybe a sticky situation with your truck? Service with a wink and twinkle in their eye (xpost from r/funny)
πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omgitsblol
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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Just installed two 12" subs in my car. (from /r/funny) imgur.com/nFIlq
πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarletomato
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2012
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This old guy comes into my job all the time with dad jokes & i have to pretend they are funny. "Can you name 3 cars that start with P?"

"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazegoby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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I noticed my car making funny grumbling noises.

I think it might have gas.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electric_Strudel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/halfs2010
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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β€œDoc, I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Man: But I keep losing my Focus!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Informative product review
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sergeant_RL-3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Like most people my age...

I'm 45...

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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My dad let me borrow his 2010 Saab and told me to make sure to fill it with Premium... imgur.com/IqjEFiP
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zach_Elmore
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CUB4N
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2015
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Made my dad proud with this one!

Mother and I were talking about a trip I have been packing for, and she asks me a specific question while at the table eating breakfast.

Mom: "Do you have a car charger for the van?"

Me: "Mom, we don't charge the van. It runs on gas."

Mom: glares

Dad: chokes on eggs

Edit: Wow. Didn't think this was that funny! Thanks guys for all the glorious upvotes :D

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatanUnusualname
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2016
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Son was playing Need For Speed...

He's doing a mission (I'm barley paying attention). I glance up and there's 2 cop cars trying to stop him. They get on either side of him and pinch him to a stop.

Son: Dang. The cops got me.

Me: What happened? Did they cop block you? (still chuckling to myself)

BTW, He's only 7 years old. He has no idea why I thought it was funny. My wife gave me the look of disapproval, so success was had.

Edit: I just want to let everyone know that I didn't notice my barely/barley mistake until after the hop joke below. Thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigDildo
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
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Dad joked my teenage son this afternoon

Driving down the highway, when I saw a car carrying a bicycle on a bike rack. The bike was missing its front wheel.

Me: Glad to see that bike is well rested. Son: What do you mean? Me: It's not two tired.

I grinned all the way home, while he just kept rolling his eyes, pretending it wasn't funny.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/copast2
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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My Dad dropped this on us as we were leaving Oklahoma.

In the car after a short stay in Oklahoma

Dad: So, What did you think of Oklahoma?

Me: It was fine, kind of boring.

Dad: Well i thought Oklahoma was OK.

Complete silence

Dad: You get it? OK is the abbreviation of Oklahoma

We all understood, it just wasn't that funny

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeup12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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My all time favorite

Is when someone has taken their car into the shop and then they tell me they're going to pick it up.

Give 'em the old down-and-up look and say "Funny, you don't look that strong"

Fall about laughing, etc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/L1ttl3J1m
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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Still cracks me up when I think about it. Dads are the best!

Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.

I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.

He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.

Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.

"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."

This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.

Thanks Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-Wing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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Reindeer pelts

A collegue of mine (a dad, recently turned 50) pulled this one off during a break at work when we were in the middle of a very heated debate about the Sami people (who some people get really pissed off at since their reindeers are everywhere and is really dangerous to car drivers during winters):

-I just heard what they actually use the reindeer pelts for.

-What's that?

-They keep their reindeers in them.

I don't know if it's just funny for us people here in the north of Sweden, but we all laughed for minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lidodido
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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After 4 years of being a father I can finally call myself a dad

Partytang jr (pointing at the Michelin man) "papa who is that?" Me: "that's the Michelin man, he makes tires for cars, trucks, and planes." PTjr: "why?" Me: "so we don't have to walk everywhere." PTjr: "why?" Me: "because then we would be sooo tirrred!" PTjr: "hahaha papa you are as funny as Louie CK" (the last part was paraphrased)

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Partytang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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Got my son on his birthday

OK, yesterday was my sons 6th birthday and he wanted some sort of dog-robot for present but i didnt want to trow money away because i know what they (he and second son) do with toys :) so i told my wife that i would buy him skateboard, because he asked it half-year ago for it, wife said ok, but please buy him also new slippers.

I picked up him from nursery and sit him in his seat and asked him what he want for present, he still wanted robot. Then i told him that i want to buy him something he can ride. He was so exited, he asked me is that a car, i said " can u drive", he said "no, i am too yung", then he asked is that motorbyke, i replayed same, then he asked is that bike, i aksed him, does he already have bike, and he replayed yes, alse happend for scooter. After that he didnt have any more ideas. Then i told him that i will bought him slippers, because u ride slippers (sords of it :D) he was so angry/mad/sad i cant explan :D

ofc i bought him skateboard, but that was so funny for me, that look on his face when he heard slippers, omg

sry for grammar and bad english

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goodye
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2015
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My father on iPhones

Father: Why won't my iPhone charge on this laptop?

Me: It needs to install the driver first.

Father: Are you sure? It charged just fine in my car.

Me: Your car doesn't need a driver.

Father: Yes it does. If I ever want to go anywhere.

He thinks he is hilarious. I had to hold back the laughter and groans. I couldn't let him think he's funny.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trenia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
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On the way out of the house, my daughter has to use the bathroom.

Getting into the car my daughter says that she has diarrhea and if she's late to school they will just have to understand

I say, "Well then I hope your day at school isn't too crappy."

Daughter responds, "Dad, you are not funny."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AzraelBaine
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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Fred Flintstone was driving to work one day...

...and accidentally hit a curb going around a corner. Since then, any time he loosens his grip on the steering wheel, his car drifts to the right. Knowing he needed to have it serviced anyway, Fred goes to the local dealership to figure out what's going on. At the service desk, Fred talks to the manager about how his steering wheel is acting funny.

Service manager: "Oh, that's pretty common. You just need an alignment."

Puzzled, Fred asks, "What's wrong with it that an alignment can fix?"

Ushering Fred over to his car, the service manager answers, "It's pretty obvious, actually. If you look right there, your front driver-side wheel has too much toe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faerco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
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A Dad-tastic April Fools joke

This morning my friend and I were exchanging conversation about what our dad's usually do to prank us on April 1st. My dad always calls and says he was in a horrible car accident and broke a limb. It's never funny, but he laughs and laughs so I go with it. My friends Dad however is a classic Dad-joke type of Dad. This year, my friend tells me: >Friend: My dad said Mr. Lion called for me

>Me: Mr. Lion eh?

>Friend: Yea he gave me a number to call, but I haven't called it yet.

>Me: I'll call!

I get the number from him, and the automated message service for the San Diego Zoo clicks on. It's pun-tastic, a fun, and non aggravating April Fools joke.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaszune
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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Brothers

It's not really funny, but it's one I've heard from my dad. And also English isn't my first language.

Two brothers were going over country border in two cars. The first brother was so drunk that he was crying. The border police stopped him, took his ID and asked him why was he crying. He said that his dad has died, they said their condolences and let him go. Then they stopped his brother, took his ID and saw that they have the same last name. They said their condolences to him and he looked at them like he had no idea what they were talking about. They saw that and asked him if his dad has died and he said 'Yeah but 20 years ago.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schm3tt3rling
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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20 month old dad joked my 3 1/2 year old...

So my oldest was having my youngest say things back to her in the car on the way to daycare this morning. Mostly to be funny - things like booger and toot.

Oldest finally starts trying to have her say a bunch of stuff... Went like this.

Oldest: "ok, say, booger and red and blue and tree and car and boat." Pause, "hey! Say this!"

Youngest: "This!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoyGreen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2014
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My uncle coming with the pain

I'this wasn't even funny, just painful. My coworker lives in Long Island but he works in Queens where I live. One day, I drove him home and he said that the traffic lights change from yellow to red so much quicker than in Long Island. After driving in both places, I realized he was right. Fastforward to today. I'm in the car with my uncle and we're going past a traffic light in Brooklyn. I tell him, "I never realized how long the lights are in Long Island." Him, "I guess that's why they call it Long Island." painful groaning

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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After an early Father's Day dinner...

Setting the stage here. I am 21. My sister is 3 years old, she calls me "Bubba." After eating entirely too much at the restaurant, we climb into the car.

Mom: I am miserable.

Me: turn around, hand out Hi miserable, I'm 2fat2bebatman!

Mom: gives a "really?" look You might think you're funny, but you aren't.

Sister: without missing a beat of course he's not "Funny," he's "Bubba."

Dad: Wheezy laugh

Bless my little sister.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2fat2bebatman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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β€œDoc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

β€œBut I keep losing my Focus!”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!

Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adamj91
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My son was hit by a car today!

Relax, it was only a hot wheels!

Back story: So my one son threw a hot wheels car at my other son and left a pretty good gash on his face. This wouldn't have been a big issue except we had a family gathering to go to. People were a little surprised about how calm I was when they asked what happened and all I said was "he got hit by a car" like it has happened a bunch of times.

Not sure if it really belongs here but it was pretty funny to see people's reactions.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chillfactor343
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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What my dad does every time I say stop

When hes annoying me and I say stop this is usually what happens

Me: dad can you stop

Dad: I cant im not moving (sitting at a table)

Or,

Me: dad please stop

Dad: (in car) slams on brakes whether we are in traffic or not.

Its pretty funny but even more annoying.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheehan7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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My dad dropped this one on me and my sister while in the car today...

"The other day I rear-ended a car, and a midget walks out looking all pissed. He says, "Mister, I'm not happy!" So I reply, "If you're not Happy, which dwarf are ya?!"

The best part is, after every dad joke my dad tells, he finishes it with "I don't care who you are, that's funny." No dad, just no.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/so_very_special
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad-Joked my boyfriend

The fact that he didn't know how to respond makes me feel I was successful

BF: How was the car? Did it run funny or anything?

Me: No, it didn't tell me any jokes

BF: ...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CLPolly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
🚨︎ report

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