Funny Carpentry Puns

This story always brings a smile to my face and I figured I'd share some semi-lightheartedness and background as an ice-breaker before moving to the more frustrating experiences.. It is a bit long winded, for which I apologize.

TL/DR: EM drags us to silly big-money church play, my kid steals baby-jesus's thunder then shoves chicken bedding down EM's shirt in front of everyone.

While I have a decent relationship with my Mother, she went through a midlife crisis where she hard transitioned from a Bi pseudo-pagan wild-child to a straight laced & evangelized social and corporate ladder climber.
Many things were forced upon myself and my sibling who is a couple years younger than I. It seemed like EM was never satisfied as she became obsessed with presentation of our (her) status and turned into a rather controlling and semi-manipulative snooty-booty, a quasi-Karen if you will. The funny part is our background is humble hill-folk, a fact I don't let her forget, ever.

Some Highlights:

-She subjected all my friends to moral and economic scrutiny and treated the ones whose parents weren't also adequately 'elevated' as members of a servant class, only allowing stayovers when yard work or labor was required (I'd get picked up at six AM the next day if away from home.) She would also pay the better off ones more for the value of their labor. My girlfriends were also never up to her standards and I always caught an earful and had my interests and hobbies constantly pooped on.

-We upgraded three houses in seven years, and we swapped cars constantly to whatever made her look good for the trend of the time. (fancy SUV-> fancy sport car->smart car->fancy hybrid.) She even put a dog through college (paid someone else to take it to dog shows.)

-I had no choice in whether or not I went to a four year college despite wanting take my gen-eds at a two year. Thankfully I didn't have to take a loan and escape portal'd via the military. Even then while she no longer could cajole, threaten, or command me to do what she wanted, she was constantly pressuring me to push away old friends and my then fiance (now spouse) so they wouldn't 'drag me down', and now resorts to whining and begging as her default manipulation tactic.

Now on to the story!

A couple years after I left, she 'upgraded' husbands (step-dad/SD) and joined his large baptist church community. She definitely touts the born again evangelized lifestyle and while I have no

I thought High Schoolers really wore high heels and drove convertibles to class. I thought people in their 20s lived in gorgeous eclectic apartments with all their best friends and just had magical funny adventures every day and never faced anything more serious than dating drama and silly jobs where your friends can visit you.

I also somehow was certain I'd find love young and be married and have a gorgeous wedding and magical life. Wtf. Now I'm some random mid-30s super depressed and barely functioning blob hahah. I mean, no wonder, I had SUPER high expectations apparently lmao

Did anyone else struggle with an overactive or over ideal imagination? I mean even in high school I had high hopes that I'd have some amazing career or something and everyone else was being realistic like "oh I want to be an x-ray technician because they make good money" or "I'm gonna look into local carpentry courses" and I'm just secretly like "well I'm going to be an ACTRESS or ARTIST... even though I'm literally not working towards that at all"

Like bruh. What the hell was I on.

EPISODE ONE:

Galadriel Narrates as we see GANDALF putting on traveling clothes

Galadriel: Many years ago the Dark Lord Sauron was defeated but a Ring containing his essence survived. A King named Isildur claimed the Ring for himself rather than destroying it. The arrogance! Kingdoms fell, the Ring was lost and we elves were left to pick up the pieces. Now rumors of the Ring being found have reached us. Whether it be by a boy or girl we know not. And so I send my agent, Gandalf the Grey, to find it before the Enemy does.

Cut to sweeping landscape shots accompanied by epic if uninspired music. Gandalf watches a group of elves torture GOLLUM demanding to know where the Ring is.

Gandalf: He isn't the one I'm looking for.

Cut to the SHIRE, a dreary, washed out place full of mud and shot through a blue filter. ROSIE COTTON stands on the banks of the Brandywine River along with LOBELIA SACKVILLE-BAGGINS who shoves her into a barrel as part of an initiation ceremony. Other hobbit women close the lid and nail it shut, Rosie is sent down the river, nearly drowning until she manages to learn to steer the barrel.

From there we cut to the Green Dragon at night. Rosie is greeted with tepid congratulations from the bar patrons at becoming a full inkeeper. We see FRODO, SAM, MERRY, and PIPPIN sitting glumly at a table drinking ale.

NOTE FROM TOLKIEN ESTATE: Remember that hobbits are short, cheerful folk about four feet tall.

NOTE FROM RAFE: okay, you know the lore. We'll do that.

NOTE FROM AMAZON: Cast actors that are just shy of average height. We can't afford CGI or little people. Peter Dinklage is too expensive.

NOTE FROM RAFE: I always was going to do that. People won't take our show seriously if there are short people. It has to be adapted for the modern audience.

Pippin fingers a mushroom that he stole from Farmer Maggot.

Sam: Fuck, Pippin, You can't keep stealing like that.

Pippin: I have to Sam, my family is starving.

We see Paladin Took over at another table gambling, fondling women, spending the last red cent of the Took clan.

Merry: Let's have another round, we have a long day tomorrow with Bilbo's party. It should be a lot of fun.

By the look on his face it's clear it will be anything but fun.

Rosie: Don't you think you should get back to your wife Merry?

Merry: I suppose so. I do love her.

By the look on his face we aren't entirely sure that's true.

Pippin: Frodo, how is your Uncle Bilbo, he has been quite strange

Long

My(33f) husband (37)is wonderful in so many ways. He is an excellent provider, hard worker, honest to a fault(part of the Kevin problem), will do anything at all to help me and our family. He has his masters degree and is an Eagle Scout. But he is still a Kevin. Here are a few examples… I am embarrassed to mention them.

1. When we got married, we were in a vacation home with his parents and siblings. We were super young (21 and 25) and had packed all of our stuff in his backpack. When We were about to leave my husband was packing and found my pair of spanx/girdle/whatever you want to call it embarrassing looking beige undergarment I wore under my dress. I had rolled it up and put it in the bottom of his backpack because it was embarrassing. He brings it down to breakfast shows it to everyone and says “mom are you sure these aren’t yours?” And I am looking at him like “what?!?”. And his mom said “no I told you yesterday they weren’t mine.” So apparently after the wedding, I hid the embarrassing underwear in The bottom of his backpack. He thought, “oh, my mom must of put these in here”. He asks his mom that day she says no. Apparently, that is not good enough for him. He then Brings them back to our room and puts them on the bed. I see them later, put them back in the backpack, thinking I must of forgotten to do it earlier. So he pulls them out again and brandishes them at the breakfast table in front of his whole family. I almost died. I guess I should pat myself on the back because he could never picture me wearing something like that?
2. He has started karate in the past year and is obsessed with it. My little sister and I have started a quote book of him talking about it. I also often record/take pictures of him demonstrating his “forms” and weapons. He has a very Dwight from the office vibe. He will often come into the kitchen while I am cooking dinner and say things like “attack me” or “try to see if you can punch me, I promise I won’t hurt you”. “When I tried for my next belt, you are supposed to demonstrate the new form. I don’t do that, I do every single form back to back.”. His karate teacher recently got a higher degree black belt, and he is now classified as a “master”. My husband has started referring to him in conversation as Master Smith (made up last name). I asked him if he calls Smith that and he said yes. I asked if his teacher asked him to call him “master” and he said no. I told him that it is very odd and gives me a BDSM or sla

Do your worst!

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

They’re on standbi

I've been working retail most of my adult life, now I'm in ecommerce and make better money, flipping random tech on eBay that gets returned from their Amazon sales. I guess its good because I reduce waste, but I still am just tired of fucking buying and selling. I make half decent money and spend much of my time making up work and pissing on the clock. The funny thing is people talk about humans being inherently lazy or low skilled workers being unmotivated. I actually love to work hard, I just need the hard work to be directed toward things that matter.

My passion is in academia, I'm starting a degree program soon now that I can be an "independent" in terms of FASFA and get a bit more money. I'd love to be a professor. I dont really give a shit if there's not much money involved, I dont need anything and live very minimally. A lot of people think the humanities/arts are useless and for a long time I didn't commit myself to what I loved until I realized those people are morons.

In the meantime, I was thinking of getting into a trade or picking up another job that is actually valuable for my community. Can you all help me come up with ideas? I like the idea of carpentry and such, thing is I have horrible vision and can't drive. Most trade jobs seem to require me to drive location to location. I want a job of value I can do in one place. I'm going to be creating a list and set up indeed job alerts.

I appreciate anything you come up with! Thanks for being an awesome community against the insanity of consumerism. When I come here I feel a bit of peace in some way, knowing others see through the garbage, literally.

Whatnots. Knickknacks. Tchotkes. Trifles. Bric-a-brac.

You know, keepsakes.

My Aunt Mandel had hundreds of them.

In the cobwebby darkness above the bathroom door.

Starting down from the headboard of the bed, with those unblinking eyes and wide painted smiles.

Marching along hallway shelves, looking like pale dusty dancers twisting in the moonlight.

At ten years old, they fascinated me: why would anyone bother having toys that they never played with, that just sat around gathering dust? What was the point of all these little ceramic people?

I remember the day that my curiosity turned to fear. I was alone in Aunt Madel's upstairs hallway; the laughter and light conversation of the adults drifted up from the staircase.

My eyes fixed on a set of mugs in front of me. Each mug was shaped like a face--a grinning English gentleman, a drunken sailor, a winking lady.

Aunt Madel was very strict about her privacy, and her possessions: she'd probably be furious if she knew I was exploring the house by myself...and I might not ever have another chance to get a closer look at these weird old things, with their soulless eyes and fixed expressions.

I reached out my hand for the sailor.

As I did, the pupils of the painted eyes shifted: they were looking right at me.

To my shock and horror, the mug's face began to change.

The rosy cheeks stretched, becoming gaunt and starved.

The bright eyes shrank and retreated into bruised, hollow sockets.

The jaw dropped from the smiling mouth, which opened into a toothless pit. It was like it was screaming.

I screamed myself, then fell backwards in my hurry to escape. I scrambled to my feet--and ran straight into Aunt Madel.

"What are you doing up here?" she asked coldly. Talking to Aunt Madel was always like an interrogation.

I grunted with fright, pointing up to--

a perfectly ordinary porcelain mug.

I blinked. There's no way I'd just imagined all that...right?

"Be good for your Auntie Madel, honey," I heard my father shout up the stairs. Of course. My parents' yearly anniversary getaway, the one where I always got left with some relative for a few days. This was the first time I was staying over with Aunt Madel--they must’ve had no other options, I thought.

The thought that I'd be sleeping with all these eerie figurines around made my stomach churn. Like most ten-year-olds, I hated being compared to younger kids, but I had a sudden urge to grab my mother's skirt and beg not to be left alone with my

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

After many years into Medicine and being a Doctor, I finally admitted I am done. I was severely in NeFe loop. and probably had been in my shadow ISFJ for many years.

I discovered I was extremely distressed and unhappy during my medical school life. At that time I didnt know about this personality type. I could sense my heart was in rebel. But I continued doing what my parents wanted me doing- Medicine. Until I was sent to Psychiatrist during my fourth year.

I graduated, feeling loss. But persisted, since that was all I knew.

Until I joined trading. I slowly figured if that was what i truly love. or baking, or carpentry.. everything except Medicine. I slowly discovered I am actually good with people, I am funny too (they said), I could memorize many things in one night (except Medicine), I enjoyed Netball, hiking, building stuff.

Then I entered my working life as a doctor. many bouts of anxiety attacks, collapsing. But I still tried. I pushed my extrovert nature. I pushed it so hard with intention to make others happy. I always thought about if this is what make others happy.. what are thier views on my.. is my appearance good to them.. am i saying wrong things.. is my nervousness showing..

So after many nights of sitting along quietly thinking, I quitted.

I am half happy half confused half sad halp undecided half feeling wrong half crazy.

I really am confused. Mind giving words of advice?

I won't be doing that today!

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

Buenosdillas

We all focus on the product or service, making sure customers find value in what we provide and we neglect one of the most valuable assets of our emerging businesses.

Here is a list of 5 five mistakes I’ve noticed my friends, colleagues and customers do. I made a few myself, but I’m recovering.

1. Not registering a brand. Yes, sounds silly, but a lot of people neglect registering their trade marks. We’re not talking about registering a business, we’re talking about what the business sells, under a brand. Find out what is required in your country to register your trade mark, logo and one liner, to make sure you are building brand equity in something you own and control.

2. Registering the brand under personal name. It sounds like good as a first step, no one can use the logo or brand you are trying to build. Company structures can change while trying to figure out the right business format. Sounds like a good idea until you need to transfer the brand ownership to the company, because you are selling it or getting investors. This creates a huge tax liability in most countries for those who need to transfer the ownership. I know a few people who had huge tax bills because of it. At least the businesses were successful.

3. Trying too hard to be funny or cute with the brand. The number one job for a brand is to differentiate your business in the marketplace. Some people forget this and try to use the brand as a way to impress before people even get to know the business. “Fumovpe – you’ll be moved by our service”. Humm… funeral services or moving company? Zameros – when trust matters”. Humm… beats me… any business where trust doesn’t matter?

Don’t get me wrong, funny, cute or impressive is great but only after we communicate what the business does for customers. “Rock & Wall Masonry” is a funny take on rock & roll but it tells customers exactly what the company does.

4. Using the brand for dispersed services or products. Once you start building a brand, the worse thing you can do is to start using it for all kind of services and products. Maybe your sister is trying to build websites and asking you to use your business to get some new customers. Customers will now get confused, is “Rock & Wall Masonry” building walls or building websites?

5. Promoting people and forgetting about the brand. A lot of people start businesses as sole traders, build a nice customer base and eventually start to think about the brand as the busi

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

After all his first name is No-vac

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

There hasn't been a single post this year!

(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)

I picked up a job at a place called HK Asian Market working the dishwasher in the restraint in the back of the shop. Def not my fav thing to do but I keep coming back to dishwashing and I'm not quite sure why. At least at HK Asian Market I'm the only one running the washer. My pit under my command lol. It is small tho. Fortunately for me nobody else speaks English in the back (very well or very often) so I can get away with listening to a good podcast (Tim Dillon) or some music on my shift. AND I get a one hour lunch break which I totally wasn't expecting. Anyway I start today.

Why

Nothing, it just waved

Bob

So, I’ve been alerted by a couple folks that I never continued my “Special Forces” series from, fuck, a few years ago now, and, yep, they’re absolutely right, I didn’t. Except…I kinda did. In a way. True, I never continued it on here, but a script was picked up and produced by the indomitable NoSleep Podcast (bam).

That said, here’s the actual script if you wanna read it. I tried to format it (to the best of my abilities) so that it maintained that kind of “script-y-ness” since the original document is, well, a script. It was a fuckin’ bitch to do, but I hope it works and doesn’t look too bad, apologies in advance if it doesn’t and does.

For quick reference, here’s the “Special Forces” series:

• Unexpected Forces

• Shit for Brains

• Chekov’s Bazooka

^(*Note: if you look closely here, you’ll see that I had a spot for “Sounds” under the “Sequel” section. That was for this script. Never got around to actually linking it because, well, I forgot. My bad. But, hey, here it is now…so.)

• Upstate New York

And now—I present to you—the exciting continuation of the “Special Forces” series:

INT. – CAR – SUNSET

FRANK and LEIGH are sitting in Frank’s old Honda Accord. The sky is swiftly turning from deep orange to velvety purple. Surrounding the car is thick, wild forest. The trees SWISH in a strong wind. A few birds and crickets CHIRP in the distance. Cicadas DRONE. Soft SYNTH music plays in the background.

>FRANK: (Energetically) Hey, what’s up, guys, welcome back to the Frankly Folklore Podcast. It’s me, your host, Frank.

Frank turns to Leigh. His seat SQUEAKS as he does so.

>FRANK (CON’T): And, of course, Leigh.

>LEIGH: (Happily) Hey, everyone!

>FRANK: So, tonight, my friends, tonight we have something very special for you planned. That’s right, we’re diving deep into our own local lore. Now, this is something that’s been highly requested by a lot of you, so we decided what the hell, we might as well give the people what they want.

>LEIGH: As most of you know, both Frank and I ha

So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."

Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.

Just to clarify, 12345678

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

I was just sitting there doing nothing.

When I got home, they were still there.