Have you heard of the fortune teller that could predict when he wouldn’t get a straw with his drink order?
He was known as No-Straw-damus
I couldn’t decide to go with the overly enthusiastic fortune teller or the sad and sullen soothsayer…
…so I just decided to go with a happy medium.
Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.
Daughter: There’s no fortune in my fortune cookie!
What do you call a negative fortune teller who really likes basil and garlic sauce?
I've made a fortune selling dead turtles, tortoises and snails.
What did the Bird Watcher say on The Wheel of Fortune?
I don’t need to buy a vowel because I already have a Sparrow!
Ps thanks to Kittycat Taco for correcting me 😊👍
What do you call a woman who cost you a fortune on the first date?
Fortunately it wasn't terminal
After the movie, Mary Poppins opened a fortune telling business in Hollywood where she specialized in predicting bad breath.
Her advert copy read: Super California Mystic, Expert: Halitosis.
Dad's advice on how to get a small fortune from the stock market
Start off with a big fortune.
did you hear about the vertically challenged fortune teller wanted by the law
Theres a small medium at large 😑
Fortune cookie
Just happened in real life. Took the kids out to a Chinese buffet. When the waitress brings the check and the fortune cookies, my son opens his cookie to read his fortune. It’s empty. I immediately respond with “that’s unfortunate”. Nobody laughed but me. Oh well.
My wife got a fortune cookie that said, "Soon a profitable situation will come your way."
I said, "I bet you $5 that doesn't come true!"
My wife just opened her fortune cookie and there was no fortune in it
I said "well that's unfortunate"
(this actually just happened)
Why do women pine over the wealthy businessman who made his fortune in the poultry industry?
He’s a total chick magnate.
What's the difference between being very upset and the thing that goes up and down in a car engine?
One is pissed off, and the other is...
My son's fortune cookie didn't have a paper inside of it.
My son told me his fortune cookie didn’t have a fortune…
Naturally I replied: “That’s unfortunate.”
I worry that you only want to marry me because my father left me a fortune.
Don't be silly. I'd want to marry you regardless of who left you the fortune.
An elf was on wheel of fortune trying to spell Christmas
They lost though. They called “L” and sadly there was Noel.
Nice pun you got there sir.
Man 1: "We paid a fortune to fish here, and only caught two fish!"
Man 2: "That's right, in fact each fish has cost us $80 each."
Man 1: "Well if you put it that way, it's a good thing that we didn't catch any more."
I applied for a job as a fortune teller.
He said, "So...where do you see yourself in...12 days?"
I said, "Not working here anymore."
He said, "Excellent, you're hired."
I can tell I’m getting old because my kids don’t want to listen to Whitesnake with me
So here I go again on my own.
Sign outside fortune tellers -
"closed today due to unforeseen circumstances"
I asked my wife how a fortune teller likes his steak...
She sighed and said: "medium".
I replied: "well done".
What size drinks do fortune tellers always order?
(Based on actual events) My fortune cookie was empty, with no paper inside.
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
[ The only joke my late father ever told, my entire life. He passed in 1989, this is his only contribution to the internet. ]
Which T-shirt size does a fortune-teller wear?
Opened My Fortune Cookie: Outlook Not Good In 9 Years
so to cheer myself up, I adopted a dog.
Who gets Michael Jordan’s vast fortune when he dies?
I ordered Chinese food and they forgot to give me a fortune cookie.
Knight Jokes
The knight who likes to scare people: sir Prise
The knight from California who loves the Beach Boys: Sir Fer
The knight who was in a sticky situation? Sir Up
The sneaky knight? Sir Reptitious
The fortunate knight? Sir Indipitous
The brown-nosing knight? Sir Yessir
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?
Had Chinese food last night and my wife was disappointed when she opened her fortune cookie and found that is was empty...
I just looked at her and said, "Well, that's unfortunate."
Fortune Teller
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from jail? It's a small medium at large.
Did you hear about the short fortune teller who escaped from prison?
Police were looking for a small medium at large.
I quite my job as a fortune teller
I didn't see a future in it
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