because I just drive everywhere
For some reason, the judge was in favor of the trespasser.
The man slammed his hand down on the table. “But I have concrete proof!”
You made a big impression on me!
... The steaks have never been higher
I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.
When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.
The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.
Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.
After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.
Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.
Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!
I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instruments—but it sure might be sheep or goat.
Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.
I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.
I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????
So I fucking called the museum
got the guy who interviewed me on the line—and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?
He said, yes, BUT.......
"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."
It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.
However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.
When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.
Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,
“Look! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”
Because they're very good at it.
EDIT: If your looking for animal jokes, read the comments section.
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
FOUR.
How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
^There's ^footprints ^in ^the ^butter.
How can you tell if there's two elephants in your fridge?
^There's ^two ^sets ^of ^footprints ^in ^the ^butter.
How can you tell if there's three elephants in your fridge?
^You ^can ^hear ^them ^talking.
How can you tell if there's four elephants in your fridge?
^There's ^a ^station ^wagon ^parked ^out ^front.
I need to write a bit about "digital footprints" for a class.
I figured I should throw a few foot puns in to spice things up.
However, soon I found that trouble was afoot.
I'm starting to run dry and am close to being dead on my feet.
Can I get a few extra hands (and feet) to throw in some ideas?
Toe/heel/knee puns also welcome.
Q: Do you know what you would have if every car in the u.s. was pink? A: A pink carnation
Q: What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common? A: SandyClaws
Q: What do a plum and an elephant have in common? A: They're both purple except for the elephant.
Q: Do you know how you get down from an elephant? A: You don't... You get down from a goose.
Q: How do you if an elephant has been hiding in your fridge? A: there are footprints in the cheesecake.
There were dozens more....
Dad: I can pee and right my name in the snow.
Mom: I probably could if I tried.
Dad: .... Well mine won't footprints everywhere.
This was a few months ago, and I only just thought of posting it here.
We were on our yearly holiday and mum decided to take us cherry picking. Driving along the road, mum told us to 'look out for signs leading to cherries.' In confusion, my dad looked at her and goes "I didn't know cherries could leave footprints. Hell, I didn't even know they had feet."
He laughed for a good 5 minutes.
Footprints in the butter.
By the footprints in the butter
How many elephants can fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
- 2 in the front and 2 in the back.
How do you tell if there is an elephant in the fridge?
There's a footprint in the butter.
How do you tell if there is two elephants in the fridge?
There's two footprints in the butter.
How do you tell if there is three elephants in the fridge?
You can't close the door.
How do you tell if there is four elephants in the fridge?
There's a Volkswagen out front.
