I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..

..NO MORE READING !!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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I bought a mattress today, but can’t decide if it’s firm enough.

I’ll sleep on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Did you know in Germany the Tom Cruise movie β€˜The Firm’ is the sequel to Die Hard?

Die Firma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumfunpriv
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Standing firm for family values
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obviousbrosif
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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Those who were firm in their beliefs when China banned marijuana...the people who kept growing and selling.

They are known as the pot stickers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leboy2Point0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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So how should we name the law firm?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/017383L1x1xxx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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I just made a deal with a roof building firm

Hopefully it doesn’t fall through

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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I hired a firm to create an advertising campaign for me. Their idea was to use workbench clamps to hold the ads up for viewing.

I think that's just bad ad vise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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An accountant was under review at his firm

He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.

He was fired for gross misrepresentation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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At work talking about an accounting firm that does the books for some dairy farms...

I interrupted the conversation and said "you mean the acCOWntants?"

This was over a month ago and I still proudly think about that joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delds04
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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dick law firm’s got a catchy motto
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cringelord_666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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I'm going to start an online taxi firm.

I just need to download the drivers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairychris88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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The owner of the local painting firm just died on a trek across the antarctic.

Medic said he could have done with a second coat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/synonymous6
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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My Dad always told me the importance of a firm handshake.

He said it’s a good quality to hold onto.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
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What do you call an all female law firm?

Sushi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J_A_C_O_B
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
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Tennis couples are firm believers of abstinence.

Love means no score.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RainMorga
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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What do you call an ancient Greek building demolition firm?

Edifice Wrecks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vilecello
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
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My only question when I heard Sleep Train is changing it's name to Mattress Firm.

What if I want a soft one?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clit_or_us
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
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A small hospitality firm was recently sued by one of their female employees.

She claimed they created a hostel work environment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbymack44212
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes at an accounting firm

Me: Man, it's a great feeling to hand in these tax returns I've been sitting on for a week.

Him: I usually just put them on my desk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ISfly10
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you guys know that, in Germany, the Tom Cruise 'The Firm' is actually just the Die Hard sequel?

Die Firma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumfunpriv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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I went to work and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Barcelona.

No one expects the Spanish Acquisition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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