After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...

My wife just tells me which ones to wear.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I firmly believe that rye is superior to pumpernickel in every way.

...thank you for attending my bread talk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SawdustnRust
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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[Serious] I firmly believe that this belongs here.
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pwnxor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2013
🚨︎ report
As an atheist I firmly believe in no sects before marriage.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klingers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
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I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..

..NO MORE READING !!

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a mattress today, but can’t decide if it’s firm enough.

I’ll sleep on it.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know in Germany the Tom Cruise movie β€˜The Firm’ is the sequel to Die Hard?

Die Firma

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumfunpriv
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Time fly!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hello_stranger-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Standing firm for family values
πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obviousbrosif
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Those who were firm in their beliefs when China banned marijuana...the people who kept growing and selling.

They are known as the pot stickers.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leboy2Point0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
So how should we name the law firm?
πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ‘€︎ u/017383L1x1xxx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I just made a deal with a roof building firm

Hopefully it doesn’t fall through

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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I hired a firm to create an advertising campaign for me. Their idea was to use workbench clamps to hold the ads up for viewing.

I think that's just bad ad vise.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
An accountant was under review at his firm

He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.

He was fired for gross misrepresentation.

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife has a lawyer's boobs

They're firm

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
You’re Hired!

A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, β€œOh my goodness! You’re so experienced! You’re hired, and you can name your salary!”

The interviewee paused for a moment and said β€œThank you. I’d like to call mine Dennis.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JakeMann220
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
At work talking about an accounting firm that does the books for some dairy farms...

I interrupted the conversation and said "you mean the acCOWntants?"

This was over a month ago and I still proudly think about that joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delds04
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
dick law firm’s got a catchy motto
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cringelord_666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm going to start an online taxi firm.

I just need to download the drivers.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairychris88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The owner of the local painting firm just died on a trek across the antarctic.

Medic said he could have done with a second coat.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/synonymous6
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What award do they give to the best knockers?

The no-bell prize

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshTatarSauce
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad always told me the importance of a firm handshake.

He said it’s a good quality to hold onto.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an all female law firm?

Sushi

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J_A_C_O_B
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Tennis couples are firm believers of abstinence.

Love means no score.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RainMorga
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ancient Greek building demolition firm?

Edifice Wrecks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vilecello
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
🚨︎ report
A small hospitality firm was recently sued by one of their female employees.

She claimed they created a hostel work environment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbymack44212
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
🚨︎ report
My only question when I heard Sleep Train is changing it's name to Mattress Firm.

What if I want a soft one?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clit_or_us
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes at an accounting firm

Me: Man, it's a great feeling to hand in these tax returns I've been sitting on for a week.

Him: I usually just put them on my desk.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ISfly10
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Buns of... stone
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teuntie05
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to the failing lawyer with erectile dysfunction

He lost his firm

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are hands so reliable?

Because you can always count on them

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samdyhighground23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Because of this sub...

I now carry a scrap of paper in my back pocket that has the word "Otherwise" written on it.

Last night my mom was telling me how well my daughter did in the nursery at church, i pulled the paper out and firmly stated "This says Otherwise."

She took out her glasses, carefully unfolded it, then started laughing while handing it to my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverStryfe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
🚨︎ report
If you're injured, call the law offices of...

Passing a billboard for the law offices of Powell, Powell, and Powell, I said to my wife, "Those are the attorneys I would call."

"Why?"

"They're obviously the most Powell-ful firm in town."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hossalicious
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Honey Story

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishamaphone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My DnD party mate will make a fine dad one day

So I'm in this DnD party. There are six of us including the DM. Chris is the DM, and the other major player here is Shawn: what you need to know about him is that his character has three arms, plus a bionic one.

Chris: after Shawn has been attacked by a flying enemy and thrown off a pier So you're now in the water. What are you going to do?

Shawn: Does this affect my bionic arm?

Chris: No, you waterproofed it last session, remember?

Shawn: Oh, right. That's handy.

All: groan

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Self-help and advice puns
  • The best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it closed.

  • Those who seek to get even only end up at greater odds.

  • Those who sling mud end up only losing ground.

  • Want a bouncier water bed? Just fill it with spring water.

  • Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

  • Keep your dreams alive -- quickly hit the snooze button.

  • Don't worry about the bird flu too much -- it's tweetable.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What is it called when the board of a company unanimously votes against?

A firm no.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waphex
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you guys know that, in Germany, the Tom Cruise 'The Firm' is actually just the Die Hard sequel?

Die Firma

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumfunpriv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to work and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Barcelona.

No one expects the Spanish Acquisition.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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