My wife caught me cheating. She took the house, made me mortgage everything else and I am currently in jail.
Boy does she take Monopoly seriously.
What did the blind guy say after his friend bought him an everything bagel?
"Everything bagels...
... They should call them everywhere bagels, cause that stuff gets everywhere!"
From my real father, moments ago.
I've been carefully medicating and bandaging my rash all day but everything just washed off in the shower
Now I have to start from scratch
Want to hear my password for everything? MickeyPatrickSullyGruNemoBo
Sorry it’s so long, but it said it had to be at least 6 characters.
When you’re making an omelette for your kid and mess up the fold, no worries, just scramble everything up together…
If a clown comes to your house and starts eating everything from your fridge, don't get offended.
I met a potato who talked about everything he saw going on around him. He thought he was special.
I think he was just a common-tator
You are too thin skinned if you take offense to everything
Show how strong you are and take a wall instead
"Forget everything you learned in college...
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."
"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
What do you give the person who has everything?
Antibiotics
(Thanks to my Christmas cracker for this one)
The first time I saw a universal remote, I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
I'm doing everything I can to live forever.
Or at least anyway die trying.
My buddy, Cordon Bleu, was frightened of everything during Halloween.
Q: The day after the holiday, what did the fridge say when it was asked, "Is everything al-right over here?"?
A: "No, everything is all left-over here!"
My moms nephew believes everything
Everything you need to know
I'm so good at everything that even in a contest for best hotdog...
My wife gets so frustrated with her sewing machine. She tears up everything afterwards.
I guess it’s true. You really do rip what you sew.
What did everyone eat at the picnics where everything went wrong?
The irritated fruit suspected everything and everyone.
You're so annoying to be around! You turn everything into a competition!!
"Oh yeah?!?! I bet you $100 I don't!!!"
My son Tony was doing everything backwards the other day
Everything About This Is Perfect 😂
So, you’re an android. Does that mean you take everything literally?
No. That’s a kleptomaniac.
Never trust an atom, they make up everything...
But I know I can trust molecules, we have chemistry.
Palpatine voice Ionic...
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually
I took me 20 minutes just to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
How do you call a garden where everything can happen?
What is it called when everything in your spice cabinet is sad?
Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called...
Ever have one of those days where everything is going great, and a nice, warm bowl of soup would just be wonderful… but then you find out that there just aren’t ANY crackers to be found? Not in the cupboard, not in the pantry, nowhere at all?
Definitely one of those days where you’re cracker-lacking!
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
My wife mentioned that our baby chews everything. I told her that he's really going to cost us money.
He chews through paper, plastic and the other day he Bitcoins.
My dad claims he knows everything.
One day we took a drive to visit Aunt May but lost our way.
"Dad, do you know where we are…?"
"Off course"
Two large, semiaquatic mammals are marching across central Europe, eating everything in their path.
We call them the Hungary Hungary Hippos.
What do you call a puppy that gets into everything?
My friend kept stuffing leaves up his nose until everything always smelled sweet
Turns out he had a steviated septum
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol....
He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...
Never trust an atom, they make up everything!
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