I mention that my friend's parents are engineers at Caterpillar.
Dad: If they work there for a while, maybe they will finally get promoted to work at Butterfly!
Turns out they’ve got loads of them!
This is not a drill... I repeat, this is not a drill!
9-bun-bun
I was ready and wading!
JC: where am I?
Nurse: ICU.
JC: No you can’t.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
Little girl walks up and shouts “I’m four!”
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.
"Fine then. Suture self."
This is not a drill! This is not a drill! STOP!
.
.
.
Hammer time!
I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
like when you have to change someone's mind.
They called it a "Jury Summons."
What a re-leaf!
(Asking for a friend)
WHO cares
Justin case
She keeps texting me and saying "Get over here RN"
I said, "911."
You pull up the ham brakes
Why would I hurt myself in an emergency?
I guess he had to buy a bowel.
He had to dash away.
You should go to Daenerys exit.
In queso emergency.
To the ICU
Apparently I roverdosed myself
Man: My wife is getting into labor i dont know what to do
Operator: is it her first born?
Man: no it is her husbend
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....
"they're complimentary"
:)
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/btsq5u/my_dad_will_be_telling_dad_jokes_till_the_end/
Well, I remembered something else he said once that I find hilarious (now) that you may also.
When I was a kid my chore was to do the dishes, by hand, after every meal bar holidays when I had help and the week of my birthday. One particular time, I must have been about 15 when I asked my Dad, Why don't we use the dishwasher, its easier and it's right next to me?
In the proud tradition of Dads before him he answered, We are using the dishwasher, now hurry up and quit complaining.
I laugh now in hindsight, and for some reason really enjoy doing dishes by hand.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."
Okay buckle in guys were pasta point of no return
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
A casual tea
He was my shoe-four.
A clambulance.
But I think it's a load of crap.
I told her to break a leg.
^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)
