If Queen Elizabeth was Hispanic

Her name would be " El Lizabeth "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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At an auction, I bought an old Nintendo game originally used by Queen Elizabeth.

Now I know how to properly use the royal wii.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I was playing the song "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" by the Allman Brothers for my ten year old daughter. She asked me how long ago I first heard the song. When I told her I heard it when it was first released, 50 years ago, She said,

"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marycartlizer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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What’s going to happen when Queen Elizabeth dies?

Charles becomes the King formerly known as Prince.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/throw63105
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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The only reason I am voting for Elizabeth Warren is that she will bring stability to the White House. She will never be impeached.

She comes with a warranty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Why didn’t Queen Elizabeth take a shower before attending Prince Harry’s wedding?

Because she was already queen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSocialGadfly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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Elizabeth Holmes…

…has already seen "Theranos, End Game"

(Less than a drop of blood was spilled)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindleyw
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Royal etiquette: If Queen Elizabeth accidentally burps during dinner, the other guests must pretend that nothing happened.

Because Noble Gases shouldn’t have any reaction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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Queen Elizabeth visited an Edinburgh hospital recently...

She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:

β€œMy heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:

β€œSome hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

β€œMy love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, β€œIs this a psychiatric ward?”

β€œNo, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. β€œThis is the serious Burns unit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatboyfat1981
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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In 1948, Elizabeth (the future queen) became pregnant with her first child (now Prince Charles). How did her doctor tell her?

"There's something in the heir."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 66 years on the throne.

I’m assuming it’s something she ate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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Every time we drive up the turnpike through Elizabeth...

We're from NJ (he's been here his entire life). That part of the turnpike is how we get our bad name (smells, industrial, crime).

Every single time we drive through Elizabeth he proclaims, WHO'S ELIZABETH AND WHY SHE SMELL SO BAD?! followed by many self induced chuckles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/citylikeAMradio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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What do you call an American Indian princess who gets in trouble?

Mischief

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I'm going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.

It will be called, Tailor Swift.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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The endless dadjoke

Last night, my daughter and I:

Her: "I'm cold, dad."

Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth."

Her: "Dad, stop it! I'm cold, dad!"

Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth!"

Her: "Daaaad! I'm cold, dad!"

Me: "I think what you want to say is "Dad, I'm cold.'"

Her: "Dad, I'm cold."

Me: "Hi cold, I'm Dad."

Her: "DAD NO."

Edit: Oh god the formatting was horrible, sorry about that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanSpice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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A couple is talking about...

A couple is talking about the one celebrity they wish they could marry. The GF says, "I would so marry Tom Hiddleston!". She continues to speak as she guesses that her BF would've wanted to get married to Scarlett Johansson, but he corrects her and says he'd Mar(r)y Elizabeth (W)instead!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EasilyImaginable
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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My Mum: "Has it rained much today?"

My Dad: "Well not as much as Queen Elizabeth the Second."

I had to leave the house after this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RBeilby
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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My dad texted me this while I was at the emergency room after chopping the tip off of my finger.

I had cooked smoked sauasge and was chopping jalapeΓ±os and cut the tip off my finger.

He texted me while at the emergency room commenting on the sausages:

"The sausages are really good but there is something different about them and I can't quite put my finger on it"

He followed up with this when my girlfriend and I returned from the hospital:

"Elizabeth are you hungry? We have some finger sandwiches if you are."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firm_as_red_clay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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Dadjoked my girlfriend about her perfume.

Took a look at her perfume. The name was Elizabeth and James "nirvana". She put it on and I gave it a smell. I told her "you know what this smells like...?" "what?" "...teen spirit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyphur
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Mom Dad jokes Dad at Buckingham Palace

During lunch, after a tour through Buckingham Palace my dad is reading through information about Queen Elizabeth and the Palace. He reads aloud, "oh it says here the Queen races pigeons for fun in the summers"

Mom fires back, "do you think they give her a head start?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moneybagz1023
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
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Browsing Netflix with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I were looking for something to watch on Netflix.

Me: I hear good things about The King's Speech, have you seen it?

Her: Yeah, I actually really enjoyed it. Queen Elizabeth is in it.

Me: Oh really? Who does she play?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrizzle08
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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Medical papers

So, my mom received some medical papers in the mail. Nothing we didn't already know. Just routine stuff. Anyway, at the top of the page is printed:

Patient Name: Elizabeth Bennet (Obviously not her real name.)

And my dad reads this, and says to her, "If your patient name is Elizabeth Bennet, is your impatient name just Lizzie?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yoyti
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
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