Tarzan: Me no understand. You win beauty pageant?
He was known to be a swinger.
Janeβs Heir
They're in a polyhammerous relationship.
Well, I had been on the scene and disagree with that.
To me it looked like a mincident
"Jane ate her friend's colon."
So one day, she right up left Down
She cut off ties to spite her man.
She was kind, playful and very endeering.
Little mary jane just LAUGHED and LAUGHED.... she knew it was only a nickle.
She said, "Speaking...?"
I said, "English."
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Jane Spencer: Goodyear? Frank: No, the worst. (Courtesy of Naked Gun)
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
My husband and I are trying to think of creative chicken names for our new chickens. I want to call them literary puns, and so far I have the following:
Ernest Henningway
Charles Chickens
Eggar Allan Poe
Jane Aust-Hen
Lay K Rowling
Any other great suggestions?
So my sister is writing a research paper for her PhD and it involves titanium dioxides. This is an actual email my Dad sent the family email chain while we were discussing the paper (all names have been changed for privacy):
β"Aunt Jane! Can you use the term titanium dioxides in a sentence so we can better understand its meaning?" asked her curious niece at the Thanksgiving family meal.
"Sure" said Dr Doe, "Mr and Mrs Tanium ran a tannery for years. Their son Ty used to shoot water buffaloes for sport, but his parents convinced him that he should at least save the pelts. So now his parents and Ty Tanium dye ox hides!"
Beat that one!
Dadβ
Mary Jane
Jane doe
Jane.
Dad: Hey, why did the elephant paint his balls red?
Me: Umm.. I don't know, why?
Dad: To hide in a cherry tree!
Me: ...
Dad: Okay.. how did Tarzan get killed?
Me: sigh I don't know Dad, how?
Dad: Picking cherries!
Facepalms all around by everyone in earshot, and Dad would know that he had done well.
Procrastinator's Anonymous will be canceled because all the members have put off coming to at least next week. (Credit unknown)
Jane finally decided to join Narcotics Anonymous after getting needled into coming. (Original)
I bet you 50:1 odds that Joe won't be here at Gamblers Anonymous tonight. (Original)
As Laura spoke at AA, I found her account intoxicating. (Original)
Even if I were transgender, I doubt I'd ever go to a Crossdressers Anonymous meeting. I hear those meetings are literally a drag. (Original)
At a computer users' group, a guy was complaining that his Linux-loving girlfriend refused to do Windows. (Original)
I plum need to attend a Purple Anonymous meeting. (Original)
My uncle said to my grandmother that he saw a picture of Jane Fonda when she was younger and he said she was really cute. I say across the room, "I guess he was really Fonda her"
So I'm not a dad but I do have fatherly aspirations. I told this joke at a wedding for a friend of mine. All names have changed except the bride's last name- it's a big part of the joke. My buddy we'll call Bob Smith, and his bride is Jane Patton.
After the father of the bride gives his toast, and the best man does his, I grab the mike from the best man and begin. This is as verbatim as I can remember. So I intro myself and promise to keep my comment short and say,
"Bob, I just want to say you're a great friend of mine, like a brother, and one thing I love about you is you're always surprising me. Like today for instance, I didn't know you were an inventor. Lo and behold, you've got your name on a Patton!"
Chuckles, drowned out by groans. I apologize and return to my seat.
