At an auction, I bought an old Nintendo game originally used by Queen Elizabeth.

Now I know how to properly use the royal wii.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I was playing the song "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" by the Allman Brothers for my ten year old daughter. She asked me how long ago I first heard the song. When I told her I heard it when it was first released, 50 years ago, She said,

"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/marycartlizer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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The only reason I am voting for Elizabeth Warren is that she will bring stability to the White House. She will never be impeached.

She comes with a warranty.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyjarvis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stgm_at
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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The endless dadjoke

Last night, my daughter and I:

Her: "I'm cold, dad."

Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth."

Her: "Dad, stop it! I'm cold, dad!"

Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth!"

Her: "Daaaad! I'm cold, dad!"

Me: "I think what you want to say is "Dad, I'm cold.'"

Her: "Dad, I'm cold."

Me: "Hi cold, I'm Dad."

Her: "DAD NO."

Edit: Oh god the formatting was horrible, sorry about that.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CanSpice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, โ€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emilyโ€™s apple.โ€ He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabethโ€™s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emilyโ€™s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

โ€œFather,โ€ said Emily, โ€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.โ€

โ€œNo worries Em,โ€ responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.โ€

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

โ€œWhat is your answer, young man?โ€ declared the king.

The young man replied, โ€œIn order to calculate Elizabethโ€™s apples, you must ADD EMโ€™S APPLE.โ€

The king answered โ€œlol get it?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Diezlk9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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A couple is talking about...

A couple is talking about the one celebrity they wish they could marry. The GF says, "I would so marry Tom Hiddleston!". She continues to speak as she guesses that her BF would've wanted to get married to Scarlett Johansson, but he corrects her and says he'd Mar(r)y Elizabeth (W)instead!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EasilyImaginable
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2019
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My dad texted me this while I was at the emergency room after chopping the tip off of my finger.

I had cooked smoked sauasge and was chopping jalapeรฑos and cut the tip off my finger.

He texted me while at the emergency room commenting on the sausages:

"The sausages are really good but there is something different about them and I can't quite put my finger on it"

He followed up with this when my girlfriend and I returned from the hospital:

"Elizabeth are you hungry? We have some finger sandwiches if you are."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Firm_as_red_clay
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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Dadjoked my girlfriend about her perfume.

Took a look at her perfume. The name was Elizabeth and James "nirvana". She put it on and I gave it a smell. I told her "you know what this smells like...?" "what?" "...teen spirit."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nyphur
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Mom Dad jokes Dad at Buckingham Palace

During lunch, after a tour through Buckingham Palace my dad is reading through information about Queen Elizabeth and the Palace. He reads aloud, "oh it says here the Queen races pigeons for fun in the summers"

Mom fires back, "do you think they give her a head start?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/moneybagz1023
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
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Every time we drive up the turnpike through Elizabeth...

We're from NJ (he's been here his entire life). That part of the turnpike is how we get our bad name (smells, industrial, crime).

Every single time we drive through Elizabeth he proclaims, WHO'S ELIZABETH AND WHY SHE SMELL SO BAD?! followed by many self induced chuckles.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/citylikeAMradio
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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Medical papers

So, my mom received some medical papers in the mail. Nothing we didn't already know. Just routine stuff. Anyway, at the top of the page is printed:

Patient Name: Elizabeth Bennet (Obviously not her real name.)

And my dad reads this, and says to her, "If your patient name is Elizabeth Bennet, is your impatient name just Lizzie?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Yoyti
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
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Browsing Netflix with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I were looking for something to watch on Netflix.

Me: I hear good things about The King's Speech, have you seen it?

Her: Yeah, I actually really enjoyed it. Queen Elizabeth is in it.

Me: Oh really? Who does she play?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrizzle08
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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My Mum: "Has it rained much today?"

My Dad: "Well not as much as Queen Elizabeth the Second."

I had to leave the house after this one.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RBeilby
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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