A list of puns related to "Elizabeth I"
Now I know how to properly use the royal wii.
"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?
She comes with a warranty.
Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡Last night, my daughter and I:
Her: "I'm cold, dad."
Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth."
Her: "Dad, stop it! I'm cold, dad!"
Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth!"
Her: "Daaaad! I'm cold, dad!"
Me: "I think what you want to say is "Dad, I'm cold.'"
Her: "Dad, I'm cold."
Me: "Hi cold, I'm Dad."
Her: "DAD NO."
Edit: Oh god the formatting was horrible, sorry about that.
There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:
Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?
Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, “Sire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.
After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.
One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.
“Father,” said Emily, “have you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”
“No worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”
The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.
The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.
“What is your answer, young man?” declared the king.
The young man replied, “In order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”
The king answered “lol get it?”
A couple is talking about the one celebrity they wish they could marry. The GF says, "I would so marry Tom Hiddleston!". She continues to speak as she guesses that her BF would've wanted to get married to Scarlett Johansson, but he corrects her and says he'd Mar(r)y Elizabeth (W)instead!
I had cooked smoked sauasge and was chopping jalapeños and cut the tip off my finger.
He texted me while at the emergency room commenting on the sausages:
"The sausages are really good but there is something different about them and I can't quite put my finger on it"
He followed up with this when my girlfriend and I returned from the hospital:
"Elizabeth are you hungry? We have some finger sandwiches if you are."
Took a look at her perfume. The name was Elizabeth and James "nirvana". She put it on and I gave it a smell. I told her "you know what this smells like...?" "what?" "...teen spirit."
During lunch, after a tour through Buckingham Palace my dad is reading through information about Queen Elizabeth and the Palace. He reads aloud, "oh it says here the Queen races pigeons for fun in the summers"
Mom fires back, "do you think they give her a head start?"
We're from NJ (he's been here his entire life). That part of the turnpike is how we get our bad name (smells, industrial, crime).
Every single time we drive through Elizabeth he proclaims, WHO'S ELIZABETH AND WHY SHE SMELL SO BAD?! followed by many self induced chuckles.
So, my mom received some medical papers in the mail. Nothing we didn't already know. Just routine stuff. Anyway, at the top of the page is printed:
Patient Name: Elizabeth Bennet (Obviously not her real name.)
And my dad reads this, and says to her, "If your patient name is Elizabeth Bennet, is your impatient name just Lizzie?"
My girlfriend and I were looking for something to watch on Netflix.
Me: I hear good things about The King's Speech, have you seen it?
Her: Yeah, I actually really enjoyed it. Queen Elizabeth is in it.
Me: Oh really? Who does she play?
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