My wife was donning some socks with Einstein on them
She said she had Einstein on her ankle. I said she was looking kinda hot in a nerdy way. She replied "really?" I replied "relatively speaking."
π︎ 37
π
︎ Dec 13 2015
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
They just donβt taste right!
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
79% of people don't know opposite words for the following.
- Always
- Coming
- From
- Take
- Me
- Down
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Why donβt ant colonies ever get sick?
.... because theyβre full of anty bodies
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
π︎ 22k
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
My wife told me sheβll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
Iβm not too worried, I think sheβs jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
π︎ 521
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please donβt resort to violins and anger if you donβt notice.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
I donβt know why everyone seem to have a problem with vegans.
I have never had a beef with one.
π︎ 76
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
π︎ 200
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
The barman says, βSorry, we donβt serve faster-than-light particles in here.β
A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.
π︎ 272
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I donβt mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it!
π︎ 148
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
π︎ 342
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing βDonβt stop Believingβ.
It was an unexpected Journey.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
I donβt get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it arenβt even well rounded.
π︎ 358
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Why donβt ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!
π︎ 236
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
π︎ 386
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
They say there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
I think that's Booleshit.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
π︎ 52
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
π︎ 38
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
My wife asked me, βWhy donβt you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?β
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parentsβ house...
π︎ 158
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Donβt ever make Sodium angry.
Otherwise youβll be charged with aggravating a salt.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I finally realized why trees donβt have teeth.
Turns out, theyβre all bark and no bite.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My wifeβs diploma came, so I framed it for her
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.
π︎ 124
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Cake day original joke! Why donβt penguins like eating clown fish?
Because they taste funny!
π︎ 76
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldnβt! wouldnβt! couldnβt! didnβt! canβt! The doctor says "don't worry."
βThose are just contractions.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
So, Iβve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I donβt buy into it.
I guess you could say that Iβm anti-biotic.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I don't trust stairs.
They're always up to something or they always let you down.
π︎ 87
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Sign of the times
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Donβt blame others for the road that youβre on
Thatβs your own asphalt
π︎ 30
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Don't put it on him
π︎ 398
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
I don't want to say 2021...
...because it sounds like Twenty Twenty Won.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Donβt expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
π︎ 152
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine
Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time
π︎ 46
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Strippers don't have air conditioners in their houses.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Why donβt people use bulls to travel?
Because they go when the stop light is red!
(Sorry if this was bad)
π︎ 46
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
Dad: I really donβt trust these trees
Son: Huh? What? Why?
Dad: They seem kindaβ¦. shady
π︎ 408
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, βNo, only for the next couple of hours.β
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Yale is a university for those who may not know
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I donβt trust stairs...
^(because theyβre always up to something.)
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
I donβt trust stairs... you wanna know why?
Because theyβre always up to something!
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Donβt blame others for the road youβre on...
Thatβs your own asphalt
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
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