My wife thinks it’s weird that I don’t miss the days when my kids were little and used to wake us up at night.

But I don’t lose any sleep over it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djmuhlestein
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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I have a missed call from earlier today - it was a number I don’t recognize and my phone says it’s from β€œEgypt”.”

I wonder if it was someone calling from one of those β€œpyramid schemes.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baker_esq27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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At the garage sale today, there was this RC circuit kit being sold cheap because it was missing its resistors. I don't like electronics but I got it anyways.

The offer was irresistible.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ciraus
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
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Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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I recently read that β€œicy” was the easiest word to spell. I didn’t understand at first, but now

I see why.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VikingLord17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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A friends Dad said her Mom isn't doing well...

Her said called her and said Mom isn't doing well. She got all worried and started getting emotional so she called her Grandmother to ask what was going on. She found out that Doctors are telling her one of her ovaries seems missing and they don't know where it is. She seemed relieved to find this out as it wasn't as serious as her dad made it out to be but was still concerned.

I told her that her dad had an ovaryaction.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Qik1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Someone told me to work my calves out because my legs were too small

I still don’t know how it was supposed to help, but my calves ran away.

I miss Luigi and Maria.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rant-rant-rant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Slaying the New Generation

A younger co-worker just walked past my office and said "I'm so tired," to which I replied "Hello Miss Tired, may I call you 'So'"?
She was immediately in absolute hysterical laughter. I don't know how long it went on. She walked away and was still laughing until she was out of ear shot.
I'm starting to suspect she's drunk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReallyBigTurtle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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My son finally has his licence!

It took a while but don’t give up. All those driving lessons in all kinds of weather, late at night, early morning. Gritted teeth and white knuckles at near misses, all payed off.

So to celebrate we bought a new car.

It's nice after all that work to finally have something to chauffeur it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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I didn't realize this was so hard

A conversation between my wife and me on the way home from a concert:

  • Me: It was a good show tonight but I couldn't believe the amount of updog all over the stage.
  • My Wife: What are you talking about?
  • Me: The updog! It was all over the stage!
  • My Wife: I have no idea what you are talking about!
  • Me: All that updog!? It was right next to the henway. How could you miss it?
  • My Wife: I DON'T GET YOUR SLANG!

Why is this so hard?

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daddyrockyou
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2015
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Three year old got me again.

Came home from work, squatted down, held out my arms and asked my son where my hug was. Without missing a beat he looks over his shoulder and says, "I don't see it anywhere."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flapjack22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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Seriously, guys...

People have got to stop making Nazi puns. They're offensive, Anne Frankly, in terms of humor, they're usually Hitler miss at best. I can just Nazi why you even make them. They'll Holocaust you a Jewish friend someday. We should all just do the Reich thing and stop it... Still... I guess I don't want to stop Jew while you're having so much fun... What the Heil, I'll just sit back in Mein Kampfy chair and watch.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedBlackDragon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2011
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Did you hear about the vandals who destroyed the news studio?

I don't know how you could've missed it; it was breaking news.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthmonks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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My dad asked me for a glass of milk.

Being a good son, I quickly obliged him and returned from the kitchen with tall, cold glass. Aspiring to reach his level of dad joke mastery, when he thanked me, I replied,

"Nothing but the dairy best for you, dad."

Without missing a beat he looked me dead in the eye and replied,

"Don't do dairy puns. They're cheesy."

God damn it.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mak484
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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Neighbor (who is a dad) just dad joked me

I was explaining the rope climb that was in an obstacle race (Spartan Race for any other spartans out there). I said half of the ropes have knots in them to make it easier, and the other half don't.

Without missing a beat, "So you're saying there's the have's, and the have knots"

Sonofabitch

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARockOrSomething
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
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Dad-joked my teacher today

So, today was my CNC class. For those that don't know what CNC is, it's basically the computer programming, and execution of automated machining and manufacturing. To program it, there is a very long script you have to write to tell the machine what to do.

He was reviewing his own code in front of the whole class, when he realized something, he's missing an R-plane. He says "Where is my R-plane?" I respond, "Probably at the R-port"

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/She_Likes_Cloth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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A boy arrives home from a long day at school

... and noticed 3 pieces of meat hanging from the celing upon entering his house. The boy asks his father, "What's this about?" The dad replies, "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you don't have to do any chores for the next month. However, if you miss, you have to do your chores and your brother's chores, along with no video games for a month. Still wanna do it?" The boy replies, "No thanks, I'm good." The dad responds, "I figured you would say that, I did raise the steaks pretty high."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itslqb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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When I die, I want to be cremated

Its my last chance to have a smoking hot body, and I don't plan on missing it

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penny_eater
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
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What do you get when you cross..

A dad walks in an asks his child "what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?" then leaves.

Saw a girl talking about how her dad did this today and thought you guys might appreciate it as much as I did. Sorry if this has been posted here before; I don't read the posts every day so I might have missed it.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaedricDandy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2015
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My roommate hit us with a good one.

My roommate, another friend of ours, and myself were hanging out and having casual conversation when the other friend brings up how his hair is getting rather long in the back. Since he plans to keep growing it out over the summer, he just remarked that it was in "the awkward stage" and figured it'd look better as the front caught up with the back, so to speak.

Without missing a beat, my roommate quips "yeah, don't worry, just give your hair some time to mullet over!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bloodhound627
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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Used this one a lot when I cooked in an Italian-American restaurant

Server: "I forgot to send this spaghetti as a half/split order. Can you fix it please?"

Me: "It can't be done."

Server: "Why not?"

Me: "Its InPastaBowl."

They don't say it, but I know they all miss my awesome jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chocolate_factory
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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Just dadjoked my wife after we used Google's new Duo app

Wife and I both use Android devices. I converted her from an iPhone.

Wife: I really like this app, now I don't miss facetime as much.

Me: Ya it's great. We can viDuo chat anytime we want.

Wife: smh

Edit: for those unfamiliar with Duo https://duo.google.com/

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aamir64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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I dadjoked my boss in the middle of a serious meeting.

I was sitting on the computer doing some sort of paperwork spreadsheet (I don't remember, this was last week) and my boss brings in four of my coworkers and starts talking about what needs to get done, when it needs to be done, and how it should be done because we're in crunch time. Everyone is serious-faced, including me.

He stops momentarily and rubs his ears, commenting how it hasn't stopped ringing since this morning.

Without missing a beat, I asked him why he hasn't answered it.

I guess it really was that serious because he just glanced at me and then kept talking, and everyone else just gave me the eye.

Felt fucking amazing though!

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KlausFenrir
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2014
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My boss dad-joked me in the office today...

I was sitting at my cubicle when my 40-ish boss who is a dad came in-

Boss: Could you do me a favor.

Me: Yes, what is it?

Boss: Print the presentation and bring it to my desk

Me: Surely

Boss (without missing a beat): Please don't call me Shirley.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheToadLife
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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Got my wife this afternoon

I had just left a client's office that about 2 hours from my home. My wife calls me and asks about the driving conditions (it's snowing lightly here) and also tells me that she is headed back to her hair dresser. Apparently the hair dresser missed a section last week when my wife got her regular dye job and needs to be touched up. The conversation ended this way: Mrs BMQ: "Drive safe Honey" Me: "Thank you Dear. Die safe"
Mrs BMQ: "huh? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!" thinking I had just told her to go kill herself ---- Safely ---- Me: "Dye Safe - don't get any in your eyes!" Mrs BMQ: "oooohhhhh" groan

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueManQuad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2016
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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My wife dadjoked my son (and me) with this Minecraft gem.

Our 8 y/o son loves Minecraft. Without our oversight, he'd play all day every day. He was allowed to play on Sunday afternoon. He chose to play survivor mode, and he came running into the room where we were sitting to brag, "MOM, PAPI, I dug a shaft down into this hill and I found TWO DIAMONDS!"

He continued on, "So, since I'm in survival mode, should I use the diamonds to make a hoe or a pickax?" Something like that, comparing what it would cost him from something called his "workbench" and "inventory." Admittedly, I've only played creative mode with him, so I don't know all the terms.

Anyway, without missing a beat, my wife says, "Son, always spend your diamonds on hoes."

I love that woman so very much.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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With some of my buddies (some of which are new fathers)

Friend 1&2: Talking about computers and virus software and it was brought up how you don't really need extra virus protection if you buy an apple computer. Friend 3: Didn't apple have a big virus recently? Without missing a beat someone responds was it a worm?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jay_el_ess
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
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Groan heard from across the room

Dad walked into the kitchen talking to Mom and leaned against the wall. He bumped a wrought iron cross down and it landed on his shoulder. Without missing a beat he grabbed it and scolded it saying "Don't you get cross with me!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bambamtx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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My dad walked into Home Depot to get some containers...

An employee walks up and asks him if he needs any help. Dad responds with "Unless you're going to pack the stuff at home away for me, not really!" The employee lets him know that the best container is the dumpster. "If you haven't used it in a year and don't miss it, throw it away." Dad looks to his fiance and says, "Evan! All he does is show up for breaks, drink my beer and eat my food, and then leaves! He was gone all last year and I didn't miss him!"

I am Evan.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vacuousregistrant
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
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The student surpasses the teacher

I have an autistic student who doesn't pick up on sarcasm, social cues and the like.

We were painting paper mache volcanoes that we made. Another staff member says "Don't put too much paint on because it will run."

Without missing a beat the student asks (in a serious manner) "How can it run if it doesn't have legs?"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paranoid_Pancake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
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Even during this, my dad still tries to pull off a joke

So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.

Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.

I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."

I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.

I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<

tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Just Dadjoked my college student daughter

She, while reading through a question on her assignment for an upper level English class: "I don't understand this question, there has to be a typo in it."

Me: "Just because you don't get it doesn't mean there's an error."

She: "No. There's a word missing or something. there's a typo, I just can't figure out where."

Me: "Oh, quit being such a... (dramatic pause)... TYPOCHONDRIAC"

I laughed. that's what's important.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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Hey! You hear about those new corduroy pillowcases?

I don't know how you missed it. They're making headlines everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loonycrackpot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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Wife dadjoked me this weekend

We were on a day trip with our toddlers, and they were being pretty cranky.
I said "Look guys, you just need to make it until the tasting room opens, then Mommy and Daddy will be much happier"
Without missing a beat, she says "I don't know, I've had enough whine this morning"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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My father-in-law got us with a dark one...

My mother-in-law was in the hospital for a week with spinal meningitis (she's fine now, fully recovered). During this hospitalization, the family cat went missing. While my wife and her father were at the hospital taking care of her mum and helping her get tons of tests done every day, one of my evening responsibilities was to go looking for the dang cat.

One evening towards the end of the week, I was updating them on the cat hunt situation, to which her father replied, "I just don't understand it. We've just been through about 6 CAT scans this week and we still can't find the bloody cat!"

...Groans ensued...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justgrant2009
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2014
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