Don't Follow Puns

They're in sects.

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

I know where they hangout.

They might think you're stalking them

Me: "Ooo, the ball just landed in the tall grass."

DH: "Awww, that's rough."

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says “this is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says “well maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying “I’m a light bulb” and the boss says “maybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks “where do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies “you expect me to work in the fucking dark?”

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:

Wife: "Are you going to make it?"

Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"

Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"

Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough

Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"

My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.

He says "what do you call it when an environmentalist sets a forest on fire?"

She says "I don't know."

He says "Treeson." The girl laughs

He follows saying "Yknow, if you'd like more of these jokes, I got them from a cool source if you're interested."

The girl says "Yes, I'm interested."

The boy then replies "Good to know SOMEONE is interested in me."

I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:

How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!

Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.

What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."

The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not

The doctor replies : "Sorry I don't follow you..."

I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He replied, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about."

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a bo

I was at a met station waiting for a met yesterday to go see my dad and this old man came up to me tapped me on the shoulder and said

"Don't turn around. We know who you are and we have come to help."

"Help with what?"

"You'll know soon but it's OK we are on your side"

He then walked off the met stop on the phone as if he wasn't even waiting for a met.

So it fucking turned out right my dad knows this fucking guy from working on the taxis and the guy text my dad to say he had seen me. My dad tells this guy to fucking follow me onto the met stop and play out this fucking routine.

^^^Edit:Fuck

My dads a dick...

Brit glossary:

Met = Metrolink -http://www.metrolink.co.uk/Pages/default.aspx - Overground rail travel. (Tram)

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

• Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

• Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

• Thank you

The following conversation ensued.

Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call.

Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning.

Receptionist: Who?

Me: In the morning.

Receptionist: I don't know who that is.

Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him "in the morning."

Receptionist: Giggle groan. That's a new one. Let me put you through.

Me: Thank you.

......

Recruiter: Hello this is ________.

Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me)

Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume.

....... Later

Me: Thanks in the morning.

Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that.

Me: Your email said to call you "in the morning."

Recruiter: Groans

I said, “Sorry. I don’t follow.”

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled,

"What do you guys want for breakfast."

My wife replied, "oh I don't know, whatever is easiest.... Omlette you decide."

This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing.

Just before his son got married, Dad decides it’s time to, have the talk. He says “ Son, 30 years ago when I married your mother. I knew I had to let it be known, who wears the pants in this family, and as soon as we got home, I took off my pants and tossed them to her to put on. To which she replied” I can’t wear your pants.” I told her “ That’s right and don’t you ever forget it.” Son decided to follow that advice because, his mom and dad have had an amazing marriage.... So,as soon as he and is new bride crossed the threshold. He sends her to the bed, takes his paints off, and tosses them to her. As if planned she says” I can’t wear your pants”. To which his reply was“ That’s right and don’t you forget it.” As if turned on, she pulls her panties down really slow and then tosses them to him to put on. To which he replied “I can’t get in your panties.” And the new bride boldly said “ and if you don’t change your attitude... You never will.”

I really think Disney Villains are misunderstood. You have to respect how they pursue their passions. They usually have henchmen or “employees” so I’m guessing there’s a compensation system in place and they are managing a budget to fund all their evil campaigns. And what business model did they have to follow? Was there an Ursula before Ursula? I don’t think so. These villains are business visionaries and they deserve such respect.

Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows

"Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters?"

"Yeah for sure! Consider it a 'house warming' gift."

I could basically hear his eyes rolling.

EDIT: Phones don't format properly.

Don’t shoot me, I’m just following orders.

My wife comments, "She has a big butt for a runner." I follow with, "The short distance runners have bigger butts, the longer distance runners don't. They run their ass off."

I'm going to make sure I follow it, I don't want to get scent home.

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

And he had the nerve to respond with “well why don’t you follow the first one?”

The following is my conversation through texts with him at 3:30 today.

Me: What's the address for the Xmas party.

Dad: Don't know I'll have to ask your mother

Me: What time is it?

Dad: 3:36 pm

Me: 3:36? Why not 3:37 or you know 3:35? Or even better... 3:30?

Dad: Cuz it's 3:39 right now

Me: ... What time is the party

Dad: oh you wanted to know what time the party is.

Me: ...

Dad: 3 pm.

Had me and my friends laughing so hard.

It should come as no surprise that Jesus enjoyed his alcohol. It would be hard to imagine someone that can turn water into wine not having a problem. One day, Peter decided to say something.

"Jesus, we will follow you anywhere, but we are starting to get concerned about your alcohol consumption"

"Really? I don't see an issue, I rarely have any alcohol", He replied.

"Jesus, you are drinking right now" said Peter, pointing at the bottle in his hand.

Jesus looked at the bottle. "This? It is water, the color of the bottle just makes it look like wine"

But Peter knew better, and no matter how much Jesus tried to explain that it was just the look of the bottle, Peter knew that Jesus' argument did not hold water.

While cutting it into slices he always asks if I want it cut into 6 or 8 slices. He then immediately follows up with, "I'll cut it into 6, I don't think you're hungry enough for 8"

Before I could put my own shoes on I would always ask m dad for help and This was his response every damn time.

me "daddy can you put my shoes on please"

Dad. "I can but I don't think they will fit me"

Followed this my dad would laugh hysterically and me whining saying "Nooo on meeeeee".

The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....

The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.

Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

“This time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.

The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says “deal”.

The beef farmer carries on:

“Actually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.

The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says “deal”.

12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.

Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

“Well, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...

So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

So my girlfriend and I went to a petting zoo over the weekend. We were wandering around and watched an encounter with a young boy (probably 2) and a chicken. The boy was was following the chicken around clucking and waving his arms, with his father close behind.

The chicken became curious and darted towards the little boy, with that he screams and runs behind his dad. Without missing a beat, the dad chimes 'Woah, easy there - don't get startled or I'll be chicken your wrist for a pulse'

We made eye contact and I gave him the chuckle he deserved.

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

I work at Cabelas (US Hunting Store, for those not in the US) in the camping section and some guy walked up to me and said "excuse me, where is the camo section?" So I took to it and said "right here sir" which he followed with; "Where, I don't see it?" Prompting to say "right here, this whole section is all camo apparel". He continued this shinnanigan three more times till I realized what he was doing and said "ohhhhh" and just walked off, with him laughing in the background.

I passed by his family while walking away, and his wife was just shaking her head.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

the doctor says I don’t follow you

I don't follow you.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

I said, “Sorry. I don’t follow.”

Doctor: I don't follow you.