Bought some discounted Harry Potter DVDs...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Yesterday I bought two boats at an amazing price. Heavily discounted because they didn't have motors.

They were on sail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dimer0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Why did the athlete buy discounted protein?

Because it was whey cheaper

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
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My hometown is currently having a sale where all the shops put merchandise on the sidewalk at discounted prices

Me: Oh look, the sidewalk sale is this weekend.

Dad: Why would anyone come into town just to buy a sidewalk?

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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Discount Dad Joke

I have a coupon tattooed on my arm that I scan every time I buy groceries. Some people give me dirty looks, but then I redeem myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores!

And call it "Nothing else Mattress"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrandX3k
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Yes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TotallyJosh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket

.. Only got 20%Off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuisCAG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Clearing a windscreen
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiestjE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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What is it called when you get a discount on explosives?

More bang for your buck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/torpedorex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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What's everyone been using to scrape ice off their cars? I have been using a discount card.

Only been getting 25% off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...

Didn't want toupee full price.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I'm opening a steel mill that also sells the steel for a discount

It's called He Who Smelt it Dealt it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zatch17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Should crematoriums give discounts...

to burns victims?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Does anyone know the best way to remove ice from a windscreen?

I've just used an old discount card I found in my wallet, but I only got 20% off....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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There's a discount to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin.

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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I got my first senior discount at the seafood restaurant last night.

It smelled good but it tasted like caarp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru_in_flannel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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I bought a discount bed sheet off of Facebook.

Turned out to be a sham...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grimstache
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Can someone recommend a better way of de-icing my windshield?

I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pcwehner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Sign at the entrance to the car park of our local Lidl (discount supermarket)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/euanwmcgill
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I don’t know why people aren’t purchasing my discount marionettes!

There are no strings attached!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/razorbeets
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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I'm planning on starting a discount amputation clinic

I'm gonna call it Half Off For Half Off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokycash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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How do you like my new pickup line?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hicksmix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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Its bloody cold today just had to use my Company’s staff discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen.

Still only managed to get 10% off....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMBiSH
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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Did you hear about the LASIK patient that ended up getting an unexpected two for one discount on their surgery?

It was an eye deal situation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlainPup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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I asked my personal trainer to give me a discount...

He said I'll try to stretch your money

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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What discount website/app do fish use for cheaper goods?

Grouperon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComedyLover21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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There was an amazing discount on canoes at Dick' s sporting goods.

It was quite the oar deal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JealousPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice...

Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MARKHENRY88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant...

She said, β€œThanks dad, that means a great deal.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Have you heard about the new discount airline, Scavenger Air?

They only allow carrion bags.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsterbash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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My cheap noble challenged the election results.

It was a discount viscount recount.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiftyMcShift
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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Did you hear that the discount hitman, Arthur, struck again at Safeway?

Yep. The headline read β€œArty chokes two for a dollar at local supermarket!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ETwasMyFriend
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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The boat shop was having a huge discount on all their Galleons and Brigantines for Black Friday this year.

It was the biggest sail event they’ve ever had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ravenclaw_VIII
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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If you had to pay for reddit and were offered a discount on a subscription bundle to r/funny, r/comedycemetry and r/jokes

Would that be a cents off humour failure?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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I Wanna Open a Discount Grocery Store Where Everything Expires In a Week...

...gonna call it Best By.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaserCop2022
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2018
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I got the tickets to a talk show, organised by a group of robbers, at a heavy discount

It was a ConSession.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadNigga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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I asked the manager for a family discount and he said "Sir, I don't even know you."

I said "I know that, but I have a family."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AntidoteYYMBR
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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Too late I realized the new jar of discount mayonnaise felt light. When I opened it up the pristine surface collapsed into a large air pocket.

Yes it was a sinkhole de mayo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JazzboTN
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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Frodo always gets the best discounts at JCPenney

Probably because he has the one ring to rule the mall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/solomonsaysgo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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They are having a fruitful conversation.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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I got an arm transplant at a great price yesterday.

It was discounted at the second hand store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WackyBehr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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At the coffee shop they sell day old pastries at a discount

My dad asked if he could get an additional discount since they are now year old pastries.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Craiginator8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
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What did the wizard get at the shop?

Staff discount

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarmaMike
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Can anyone reccomend me a good way of cleaning windshield from ice?

I used my discount card but I only got 20% off!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shone32
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice

It didn’t really work though, only got 20% off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jedmilne06
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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