I was always so pour.
An inside joke
Interstella Artois
After winning a live fish at the fair, my dad and his friends go out for dinner.
Dad: Do you serve fish here?
Waiter: Yes.
Dad: Ok great, (holds up fish) he'll have the steak.
The other man replied “Your thyme has cum”.
While in basketball during 7th grade, one of my teammates lost one of his contact lenses while going for a layup. Without missing a beat, 7th grade me says, "Wow, I guess this really is a contact sport!" My dad was so proud when I told him about it later.
When my brother was four years old, my dad told him to go sit on Santa Claus' lap at the church. Santa Claus was actually being played by my second uncle, Mr. Herman. My brother had already heard rumors of this, so when he went to sit on Santa Claus' lap he asked: "Are you Mr. Herman?" Mr. Herman replied: "Baloney!"
My brother went back to my dad and said: "His name is Baloney!"
(My brother is now 39 years old and the proud father of a 19-month-old son)
Friend: Yo, JA24, I was thinking of starting a business
Me: Oh really, doing what?
Friend: Airline Pastry catering
Me: ...sounds oddly specific
Friend: Well it's just a pie in the sky at the moment!
He comes out with these all the time, he's destined to embarrass his kids with these one day :P
It was winter and Dad was riding home with a girl right after their first date.
Girl: Man it's FREEZING! Here, feel the steering wheel. Dad (touches it): Your hands did that to the steering wheel?!
Me: on Wednesday, my ass is going to be in Florida
Friend: where will the rest of your body be?
Bro: Hey, Dothragamel, what happened when someone poops their pants in an elevator? ... Myself:... What? Bro: They take that shit to the next level.
Moo Zealand.
But all the license plates there were from in state.
Pencilvania!
- Las Kitchenas
- Los Lounges
- Santa Bedroomes
- Porto Gardenas
- Los bed
- Costa Del Balconia
- St Bathroom
- La Rotonda De Sofa
Tuskany.
Our pilot must have been flying.
Area 15
I passed with flying colors.
Nein Miles Left To Destination
It was a PowerPoint presentation.
Canada should be high in your list of priorities.
It cantelope
I'm going on a self discovery journey, trying to find my way and reason... Destination How-why.
Victoria Falls
I got to my destination uber quickly
They told me it was destined for grapeness.
Son: I want ice cream!
Wife: if you're hungry, your plate is right here
Son: But we don't eat plates!
He's only four. This kid is destined for greatness.
Absolutely useless, everytime I enter a destination it tells me 'You can go your own way'
A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.
Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.
Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.
Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.
Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.
Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.
But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.
Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.
The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:
"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."
I got a date to prom, so I went home to get ready only to relize that I was late. So I have to run down to the limo rental place. The line there was pretty long and after that, I hade to get flowers & chocolate. The line there was also pretty long. Then after that, I finally went to pick her up, she was pretty upset but forgived me and we arrived at our destination. I then got thirst and thank god there was no Punch Line.
There was a poetry slam competition final between a university scholar and a country person.
Both had one minute to think of a poem that had to have timbuktu in it
The university student goes first and says:
slowly across the desert sand
trekking a lonely caravan
men on camels two by two
destination Timbuktu
and the crowd went wild. then it was the country mans turn to go
he said:
Tim and I hunting we went
met three girls in a pop up tent
they were three and we were two
so i bucked one and timbuktu
Who won?
http://i.imgur.com/5zHPJyV.png
So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:
Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!
Mom: Hi.
Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)
Mom: ..... uh..
30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)
Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.
Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?
Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!
He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.
Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!
I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.
Dad: where is it taking us?
Me: [destination]
Dad: no, I meant how is it going to guide us there?
Me: on the roads
This has long been one of my favorite jokes. I'd credit the original writer if I could:
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was literature student from Harvard. The other finalist was a lineman from Alabama. They each would have one minute to compose a poem rhyming the word "Timbuktu."
They drew straws, and Princeton student was to go first. He sat and thought for a few seconds, then spoke into the microphone: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The crowd went wild, certain the Alabama kid was done for. The clock started, and he just stared at the crowd. Then, when everyone thought he was finished, out of nowhere he said:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu!”
Hey guys, this might sound too cheesy and I'm not sure if I'm posting on the right subreddit.
Every Saturday I give my SO a printed typography paper that I personally design with a pun of her name on it (her name is Des, I call her Mae so either is good).
Problem is, I can make the designs, but I'm running out of puns. Here's a list of what I've already done:
Des puns:
-
Hardest
-
Wordes (Words)
-
Widest
-
Uncondesionally (Unconditionally)
-
DrivES
-
Dessert
-
Fades
-
Des (This)
-
Holidess (Happy Holidays!)
-
Desperate
-
Desision (Decision)
-
Decades
-
Desert
-
Destination
-
Dress (DrESs)
-
Despresso (Espresso)
Mae puns:
- Maend (I hope you don't maend(mind)
- Maecadamia (Macadamia)
- Maengo (Mango)
- Maecaroni (Macaroni)
- Maeple (Maple)
- Lifetimae (Lifetime)
- Imaegine (Imagine)
- Chamaeleon (Chameleon)
- Caramael (Caramel)
- Achievemaent (Achievement)
- Gmaes (Games)
- Maek (Make)
- Drmae (Dream)
- Dramey (Dreamy)
- Maesure (Measure)
- Blmae (Blame)
- Maet (Mate)
- Climaet (Climate)
- Ultimaet (Ultimate)
- Maebe (Maybe)
- Mae (My one and only)
- Mae (Whatever May Happen)
- Maen (You mean everything to me)
- Maent (We're meant to be)
- Amaezing (Amazing)
- Maeutiful (Beautiful... I know)
- Maechiatto (Macchiato)
I'd really appreciate some help if you guys have any puns reserved. Anything will do, really.
Thanks!
EDIT: Formatting
