From childhood, I knew i was destined to be a bartender

I was always so pour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Woodyard801
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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What do you call a fetus who's destined for comedy?

An inside joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canyounot--
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system...

Interstella Artois

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyTheMoonlight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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It was destined
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kauntest
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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My dad at the fair when he was younger... he was destined to be a dad.

After winning a live fish at the fair, my dad and his friends go out for dinner.

Dad: Do you serve fish here?

Waiter: Yes.

Dad: Ok great, (holds up fish) he'll have the steak.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
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A man once asked if it was pre-destined for his herbs to secret a white, gooey substance.

The other man replied β€œYour thyme has cum”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Notla-Wadar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
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I was destined for dad jokes at a young age.

While in basketball during 7th grade, one of my teammates lost one of his contact lenses while going for a layup. Without missing a beat, 7th grade me says, "Wow, I guess this really is a contact sport!" My dad was so proud when I told him about it later.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evanmcdaddy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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My brother was destined to be dad from age four

When my brother was four years old, my dad told him to go sit on Santa Claus' lap at the church. Santa Claus was actually being played by my second uncle, Mr. Herman. My brother had already heard rumors of this, so when he went to sit on Santa Claus' lap he asked: "Are you Mr. Herman?" Mr. Herman replied: "Baloney!"

My brother went back to my dad and said: "His name is Baloney!"

(My brother is now 39 years old and the proud father of a 19-month-old son)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nubboi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2016
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My friend is destined to be a Dad..

Friend: Yo, JA24, I was thinking of starting a business
Me: Oh really, doing what?
Friend: Airline Pastry catering
Me: ...sounds oddly specific
Friend: Well it's just a pie in the sky at the moment!

He comes out with these all the time, he's destined to embarrass his kids with these one day :P

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JA24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2013
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Greg Grunberg's son is destined to parenting greatness. twitter.com/greggrunberg/…
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MRiddickW
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2013
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My friend is destined to be a dad.

Me: on Wednesday, my ass is going to be in Florida

Friend: where will the rest of your body be?

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
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Dad was destined to be a master of dad jokes even when he was 15.

It was winter and Dad was riding home with a girl right after their first date.

Girl: Man it's FREEZING! Here, feel the steering wheel. Dad (touches it): Your hands did that to the steering wheel?!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dahorn07
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2014
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Sixteen and already destined to be a dad

Bro: Hey, Dothragamel, what happened when someone poops their pants in an elevator? ... Myself:... What? Bro: They take that shit to the next level.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dothragamel
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
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I thought Hawaii was a tourist destination...

But all the license plates there were from in state.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoboHops
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What’s a pencils favorite vacation destination?

Pencilvania!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Where is your next travel destination?
  • Las Kitchenas
  • Los Lounges
  • Santa Bedroomes
  • Porto Gardenas
  • Los bed
  • Costa Del Balconia
  • St Bathroom
  • La Rotonda De Sofa
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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What is the most popular travel destination for walrus couples?

Tuskany.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nowenluan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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My flight was delayed an hour, but we got to our destination on time.

Our pilot must have been flying.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hknewt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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What's the most popular travel destination for dyslexic kids these days ?

Area 15

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinyroundballs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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For my final exam in piloting school, they had me fly a shipment of paint to its destination.

I passed with flying colors.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToroZuzuX
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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What Do German GPS Systems Say When You Reach Your Destination?

Nein Miles Left To Destination

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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I recently gave a lecture instructing people how to give directions by violently thrusting their arm towards the intended destination.

It was a PowerPoint presentation.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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This Wednesday, pot is becoming legal here in Canada. For people ranking international travel destinations,

Canada should be high in your list of priorities.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
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Why was the melon sad it couldn't go on a destination honeymoon?

It cantelope

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HermansWerman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Self discovery...

I'm going on a self discovery journey, trying to find my way and reason... Destination How-why.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poven100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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What is Reddit's favorite vacation destination?

Victoria Falls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattTheProgrammer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2015
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The worst thing about driving for Uber is all the people talking behind your back
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wellzy33
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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I decided to use a ride-hailing app

I got to my destination uber quickly

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laura1523
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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I took a cutting home from the vineyard as a souvenir.

They told me it was destined for grapeness.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0ntrol_Group
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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My son was asking my wife for dessert, but he still had dinner left on his plate

Son: I want ice cream!

Wife: if you're hungry, your plate is right here

Son: But we don't eat plates!

He's only four. This kid is destined for greatness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PMyourself
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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Bought a Fleetwood Mac gps

Absolutely useless, everytime I enter a destination it tells me 'You can go your own way'

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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I got a date to prom.

I got a date to prom, so I went home to get ready only to relize that I was late. So I have to run down to the limo rental place. The line there was pretty long and after that, I hade to get flowers & chocolate. The line there was also pretty long. Then after that, I finally went to pick her up, she was pretty upset but forgived me and we arrived at our destination. I then got thirst and thank god there was no Punch Line.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daxdax_Universe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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Timbuktu

There was a poetry slam competition final between a university scholar and a country person.

Both had one minute to think of a poem that had to have timbuktu in it

The university student goes first and says:

slowly across the desert sand

trekking a lonely caravan

men on camels two by two

destination Timbuktu

and the crowd went wild. then it was the country mans turn to go

he said:

Tim and I hunting we went

met three girls in a pop up tent

they were three and we were two

so i bucked one and timbuktu

Who won?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flynnstar01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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I didn't realize MegaMan was a father (x-post from /r/gaming)

http://i.imgur.com/5zHPJyV.png

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timbowen
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2015
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The first time they ever met, my dad blindsided my mom with this prophetic alphabet dad joke.

So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:

Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!

Mom: Hi.

Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)

Mom: ..... uh..

30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egdirdle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
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My dad was confused about the route the satnav was taking us

Dad: where is it taking us?

Me: [destination]

Dad: no, I meant how is it going to guide us there?

Me: on the roads

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πŸ‘€︎ u/T3CHN4UT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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Talking to a conductor at the train station

Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.

Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?

Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!

He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.

Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!

I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.

πŸ‘︎ 373
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChoozeGooze
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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Timbuktu

This has long been one of my favorite jokes. I'd credit the original writer if I could:

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was literature student from Harvard. The other finalist was a lineman from Alabama. They each would have one minute to compose a poem rhyming the word "Timbuktu."

They drew straws, and Princeton student was to go first. He sat and thought for a few seconds, then spoke into the microphone: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The crowd went wild, certain the Alabama kid was done for. The clock started, and he just stared at the crowd. Then, when everyone thought he was finished, out of nowhere he said:

β€œTim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qbedo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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[Pun Request] Puns about Mae/Des

Hey guys, this might sound too cheesy and I'm not sure if I'm posting on the right subreddit.

Every Saturday I give my SO a printed typography paper that I personally design with a pun of her name on it (her name is Des, I call her Mae so either is good).

Here's a sample of what I do.

Problem is, I can make the designs, but I'm running out of puns. Here's a list of what I've already done:

Des puns:

  • Hardest

  • Wordes (Words)

  • Widest

  • Uncondesionally (Unconditionally)

  • DrivES

  • Dessert

  • Fades

  • Des (This)

  • Holidess (Happy Holidays!)

  • Desperate

  • Desision (Decision)

  • Decades

  • Desert

  • Destination

  • Dress (DrESs)

  • Despresso (Espresso)

Mae puns:

  • Maend (I hope you don't maend(mind)
  • Maecadamia (Macadamia)
  • Maengo (Mango)
  • Maecaroni (Macaroni)
  • Maeple (Maple)
  • Lifetimae (Lifetime)
  • Imaegine (Imagine)
  • Chamaeleon (Chameleon)
  • Caramael (Caramel)
  • Achievemaent (Achievement)
  • Gmaes (Games)
  • Maek (Make)
  • Drmae (Dream)
  • Dramey (Dreamy)
  • Maesure (Measure)
  • Blmae (Blame)
  • Maet (Mate)
  • Climaet (Climate)
  • Ultimaet (Ultimate)
  • Maebe (Maybe)
  • Mae (My one and only)
  • Mae (Whatever May Happen)
  • Maen (You mean everything to me)
  • Maent (We're meant to be)
  • Amaezing (Amazing)
  • Maeutiful (Beautiful... I know)
  • Maechiatto (Macchiato)

I'd really appreciate some help if you guys have any puns reserved. Anything will do, really.

Thanks!

EDIT: Formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roastedtuna
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2016
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And man is on a plane, and asks to a flight attendant :

"Excuse me, how long will it take before we arrive at our destination?" The attendant responds : "Just one minute sir" "Wow! That's really fast"

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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