I told my Uncle John that Isaac Newton once stuck a darning needle behind his eyeball to test a hypothesis about optics.

He won't stop referring to him as Eye-Stick Newton.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/messenger_boy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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Darn, we blue it!
πŸ‘︎ 308
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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β€ͺWhy can’t 2021 take a picture in the dark

because it doesn’t have flash

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZETA_RETICULI_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My wife has begun writing songs about her sewing machine

She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotcheetopuffs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Darn! My leg fell asleep...

...it is going to be up all night.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mar_kelp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Those darn gorgons
πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Renegade2704
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Darn spell check
πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cparara1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Peta has a new militant wing, with the mission of enforcing vegan lifestyle..

It’s called Al-Quinoa

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beewthanitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .

It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario

Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Althesia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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These darn snowballs hit really hard imgur.com/dkxy8Cj
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hpar1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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What did the police officer arrest the cow for?

Disudderly conduct.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrlonelywolf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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I like to tell dad jokes

He always finds them funny

πŸ‘︎ 363
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Why do dentists call them "Dental x-rays" when they could just call them...

...Tooth pics

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roxroxx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œBack in the day...” my dad started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...

β€œWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
People Who Are Expert Fishers Are Also Master Baiters
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xoyamec69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?

Good mormon.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonsalas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was trotting across the Prairie when is horse suddenly died...

It took him three days to make it to the closest town. To his dismay, nobody in that town had a horse for sale. So he started walking to the next town. After three days the man, exhausted, started asking around and looking for a horse for sale.Again, nobody could help him.He did,however,stumbled upon a place that sold horses but the man in charge was fresh out.

"Sold my last one just yesterday,"he said."I do, however, have a brother that sells horses. He's about a day's walk west.He owns a corral. He might have a horse to sell you."

So, once again, he sets foot West to the next town and finds the mans brother.

"I heard you might have a horse for sale, he asks."

"Well, I have one, but he don't look so good."he replies.

"I don't care. I've been walking for darn near a week and I'm tired and exhausted. I'll take him."

So after the man pays for the horse, he hops on him takes off and the horse hits a tree and stops.

"Hey,"the man says." I think you sold me a blind horse.Fact is, I'm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa came to me and said, "I don't know what to do with these socks with holes!"

I said, "darn!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve noticed recently that socks are costing less and less

Seems like the sock market has crashed

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OdaDdaT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Those darn hillbillies!

I heard some banjo music off in the distance. Some time later, there's a knock at my door. Staring through the peephole, I see two toothless hillbillies. One has a shotgun, the other has a frozen pizza.

Frightened, I barricade myself inside the apartment. I tell them to go away, that I'm calling the police.

That's when one of the hillbillies spoke up and said, "Aw, come on! It's not Deliverance, it's DiGiorno!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alc6379
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
🚨︎ report
A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abucket87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Don’t talk to me while I’m trying to sew this small rip.

I needle little space.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife saw that the mail had already arrived and said "darn, I was hoping to catch the mailman"

So I said "maybe you're using the wrong bait"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Just dad-joked my boss, and I'm pretty darned proud of myself.

We have the old-rock radio station playing in our office and I was mockingly humming along to the tunes of one of the songs.

Then my supervisor says, "Oh I know you are not making fun of Def Leppard."

"It's not like they would be able to hear me if I was." I replied.

No one laughed, but the manager walked out of his office to say, "Come on guys, you have to admit that one was good."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harasoluka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
🚨︎ report
was pretty darn clever

Step dad came up to my girlfriend and I last weekend and dropped this one on us...

"What do you call girls that chase after duck dynasty guys and want to sleep with them?"

"Quackwhores"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noname87scr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
🚨︎ report
A lady at work commented on the holes in my jumper.

I replied β€˜Darn it Sharon’

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThinkingOz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theophan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I sat down to sew and wouldntchayknow it, the machine is broken.

Guess that was my last stitch effort.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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I'm so annoyed, one of my favorite socks got a hole worn through the toe.

Darn it!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stablefish
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Sorry but this has been at the back of my mind for 2 days
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamza91001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
When does a joke turn into a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/candiedskull
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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What goes "ooh ooh"?

A cow with no lips.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anxietyevangelist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/markrulez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Something I came up with being unemployed during COVID...

Me to friend: "Hey is your washing machine working?"

Friend: "Yeah"

Me: "Darn, this economy is so unfair that your washing machine can work but I can't"

Friend: groan

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amanat361
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?

Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Courtesy of my four year old reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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Overheard heard from an honest to goodness dad in the airport: Oh no, I ripped my sock...

Darn it!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gugalgirl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered a meatball and got a hot ham and swiss instead.

Darn. Wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woooooshbaiting
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Tonight, my daughter assisted me in hanging a new medicine cabinet.

Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.

Her: Did you........make a pun?

Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?

Her: Never mind.

Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!

Her: You're a dork.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GTFOakaFOD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A wizard dies and they lock up his ashes in a lamp

The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says β€œI know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist β€œHow did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says β€œOh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordoflethargy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa likes to tell tales of socks he's mended...

When he starts in, everyone groans, "not another darn yarn!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do you never see any whales hiding in trees?

Cause they’re so darn good at it!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cherub3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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