I was standing in line waiting to have my hair cut, when I noticed that no one had started a fire yet.
I thought, "This is a shit barber queue."
If the rapper 50 Cent was cut in half
Would be then be 2 quarters?
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?
Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.
A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.
The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
Thousands of people have found the device that can cut their electric bills in half......
Weird film trivia: I just found out that Thandie Newton's character from Mission: Impossible 2 was originally going to appear in Goldeneye, but her part was cut when they decided to film in Russia.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Magician: "Now, I'll cut this woman in half."
Me: "Why turn one problem into two?"
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
Before Mount Rushmore was cut in
It’s natural beauty was unpresidented
Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.
Wife: I don’t need your advise!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.
I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
How do you cut an ocean in two?
A guy I don’t know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard
I told him ‘I woodn’t do that if I were you’
How did the worm feel after getting cut in half?
My girlfriend said she was gonna cut her hair in a mullet...
I hate mullets and I told her if she did I was gonna grow a rat-tail as payback
She said, “You can’t!”
“I will!”
“But that’s rat-tail-iation!”
PS: this actually happened and I’m in love with her
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
My friend had his whole left side cut off in an accident
Have you ever tried to milk a cow that has been cut in half?
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
Wasn’t in the mood to cut the grass.
I really need to get mowtivated.
I asked my daughter why she cut all her barbies in half. . .
She replied in an unexpected country accent, "I'm dolly partin'!"
What do you call 5 fish cut in half ?
If you chop down a tree in the forest, but it doesn't understand why you cut it down
A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...
Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family?
Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure
Manager: “she was ALL RIGHT.”
Me: oh, I thought you were going to say “There’s nothing LEFT.”
The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.
What is it called when you cut wood with a tool covered in sriracha?
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation
like when you have to change someone's mind.
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef
The steaks had never been higher
I failed shop because I couldn't handle the bow saw used to cut intricate external shapes and interior cut-outs in woodworking
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.
It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
How do you cut the ocean in half?... you use a sea saw
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
How do you cut the ocean in two?
How was the roman empire cut in half
You know i can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it?
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
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