I have a website where I make videos and pics various custards.

Onlyflans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryan879
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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I burnt the caramel custard that I was making.

It was time for flan B.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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A colleague and I shared a pack of custard creams....

He said we'll split them evenly so we both get an equal amount....so I said...

"Well I guess we have joint custardy then"

I'm very proud

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πŸ‘€︎ u/antiunreal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
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overheard At the custard place

A dad was with a big group of kids and a statue at this ice cream/custard/mini golf place was holding an Unidentified object and on of the kids said it looked like poop and the dad said "well it is a cusTURD place"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boombotser
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2015
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An egg and some cream have a child, and get a divorce.

Last I heard, they now have split custard-y.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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The platypus and echidna both lay eggs and produce milk

Making them the only animals on the planet capable of whipping their own custard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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What's yellow, grey and very dangerous?

A shark in a bowl of custard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabz09
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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What happens to a baker if they steal another's cream pie recipe?

They get taken into custard-y.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabiker68
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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My Toddler's Favourite Food

Me: so what's your favourite food? Carrots? Chocolate? Custard?

2 year old: nose

Me: out of all the food you'd pick your nose?

Toddler: grins

Me: groans

It was so bad I knew I had to post it here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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A couple were arguing over which of them gets to finish preparing their son's chocolate cake...

It was a custardy battle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vysken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
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Went to a friend's house and was offered dessert.

They offered me a disclaimer. "The custard tastes good, but the consistency isn't normal"

I responded "Oh, so it's off-pudding?"

Only her father laughed with me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kvekva
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2016
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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So I went to Culver's with my dad today

And he wanted to buy a large cup of custard and the cashier said, "sorry sir, we do not have large cups right now." My dad answered with "Why?" And she replied with an explanation of how the manager didn't order any new ones since nobody buys them here. Which prompted my dad to say, "He should be put in police custardy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cludwig15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
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Moving brownies

My house mate was carrying a bowl of custard with some brownies in it through the kitchen, I turned to him and said "hmm looks like Brownian motion".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisUniStudent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2016
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My father pretending he couldn't hear someone...

Dad: Sorry, but I can't hear you. Ive got some fruit and cream in this ear and some cake and custard in this one. Confused Child: What?!? Dad: Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm a trifle deaf today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheopilusP
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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So I was eating an improperly cooked pudding...

For dessert we'd made something called a queen of cakes which involves a custard and breadcrumb base and a meringue topping. The custard hadn't set properly and as eating I said, "This hasn't set properly, it's like curdled custard!" seconds later my dad replied with "Was that in the dining room with the candlestick?" I was the only one that got it, I must say I'm impressed, just finished a game of cluedo with the family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/curryhouseindia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
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