The graveyard near my town is really crowded...

People are just dying to get in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NidalFlame
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I am thinking of pursuing a career in crowd estimation.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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My wife Debbie announced our divorce in front of a crowd of 100 people.

It was Deb-a-stating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unwilling_pizza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Sitting around watching the birds crowd around the bird feeder,

My brother says, "Someone must have left a good Yelp review." I said, "Yeah, somebody tweeted about it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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i guess the crowd wasn't orderly orderly orderly though
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggeerrtt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?

Apparently, that's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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A child in Egypt got separated from her mom in the crowd and was looking for her but got confused.

Because there were so many mummies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarmeric
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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But they can still draw a crowd
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HueyLameass
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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If two's company & three's a crowd, what are four & five?

Nine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xero19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.

I hope you scrolled past that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdickcorrine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, β€œUno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.

He disappeared without a tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopardusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Why do police get to riots early?

To beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/srivapal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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There's quite a crowd at the lego store

They are lined up for blocks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thephantomnose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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For the IT crowd
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obonecanolli
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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The crowd doesn’t deserve MC-Dino...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mbs3
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!

Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoosierdaddiesx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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MC-Dino hopes the Reddit crowd gets him... πŸ₯Ί
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mbs3
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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There was a Mexican magician who said "I will disappear on the count of 3"! The crowd was silent. He began to count. "Uno... Dos...

and the magician disappeared, with out a trace.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NYRion7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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Did you hear about the crowds at the grand opening of the new Lego store?

People were lined up for blocks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CurGeorge8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?

A mathemachicken

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Heard your dad is a diabetic DJ that drinks cans of sprite during his sets...

The crowds always chanting β€˜back one again for the lemonade master’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SR21-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Β  I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'Β  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, β€œThey're watch dogs'!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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With the barber shop finally open after many weeks, there was a huge crowd of people jostling for position to get in...

They really need a hair traffic controller.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Joke for a hard crowd /r/cleanjokes/comments/go…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koNekterr
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd.

He's a FaceBookie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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How do you spot a blind man in a crowded nudist colony?

It isn’t hard...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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Trying to grab some toilet paper among the crowd at Costco was really traumatic.

I think I have TPSD.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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What is the best American state to go sunbathing?

MonTANa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hethondje
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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So excited for autopsy club!

It's open mike night!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Why did the riot cop leave for work early?

To beat the crowd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisrus65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.

Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Another one for the IT crowd (if you got this, you are old - sorry)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obonecanolli
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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What did the cannibalistic comedian say when the audience was hard to eat?

"Tough crowd."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/name_is_3-20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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What do you call a mattock that stands out from the crowd?

Cons-pick-uous

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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A man storms into a crowded bar with a loaded handgun...

Enraged, he raises the pistol into the air and shouts, "which one of you bastards had sex with my wife?!"

The bar falls silent. After what seems like an eternity, a man in the back replies:

"You don't have enough bullets!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFirstArknight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Why did the crowd throw ice at his majesty?

Someone shouted β€œAll hail the king”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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A pun or two about magicians and their antics

Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?

Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.

P1: How so?

P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.

P1: You raise at interesting point.

P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?

P1: Yes

P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirZbear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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The crowd watched in suspense as the man attempted to scale the building whilst eating an apple

They feared he may have bitten off more than he could chew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucaewings27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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A dadjoke set for the kindergarten crowd

If you ever end up having to entertain kids around kindergarten age (5 or 6 years old) here are some jokes you can use.

Write the letter Y on a board or piece of paper. Ask, "Can you tell me what this letter is?" and they'll say "Y", to which you respond, "Because I want to know how smart you are."

After a bit of back and forth you can look exasperated that they don't get it (when of course it is you who don't get it), then say, "Okay here's an easy one, can you tell me what this word is?" Write down the word NO and of course the kids will say "NO" and you can say, "You don't know what this word is?" or "You know what it is but you won't tell me?" Kids usually think it's hilarious that an adult can be this dense.

For kids who can spell words, you can use ones like "duck" and then when they say it you can duck as if something is coming at you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmethvin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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I saw a crowd of chess enthusiasts talking about how good they were when I was going into the theatre...

.... they were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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My dad told me this: A Spanish magician went up on stage he said to the crowd I am gonna disappear on the count of 3, Uno, Dos then he disappeared without a trace
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KirbyThings
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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How do you draw a crowd?

With a pen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PR0CR45T184T0R
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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What do you call a magical bra?

An abracadabra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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This graveyard looks crowded

People must be dying to get in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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This graveyard looks really crowded this year

People must be dying to get in!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skindrella
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Why do police get to riots early?

To beat the crowd

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1Pootato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I am thinking of pursuing a job as a crowd estimator.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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