The graveyard near my town is really crowded...
People are just dying to get in
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I am thinking of pursuing a career in crowd estimation.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My wife Debbie announced our divorce in front of a crowd of 100 people.
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Sitting around watching the birds crowd around the bird feeder,
My brother says, "Someone must have left a good Yelp review."
I said, "Yeah, somebody tweeted about it."
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︎ Jan 03 2021
i guess the crowd wasn't orderly orderly orderly though
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︎ Oct 20 2020
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?
Apparently, that's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
A child in Egypt got separated from her mom in the crowd and was looking for her but got confused.
Because there were so many mummies.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
But they can still draw a crowd
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︎ Sep 15 2020
If two's company & three's a crowd, what are four & five?
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︎ Aug 18 2020
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
I hope you scrolled past that.
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︎ Jun 03 2020
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, βUno..dos..β and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
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︎ Mar 30 2020
Why do police get to riots early?
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︎ Sep 20 2020
There's quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
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︎ Jun 09 2020
For the IT crowd
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︎ Aug 09 2019
The crowd doesnβt deserve MC-Dino...
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︎ May 13 2020
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
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︎ Apr 03 2020
MC-Dino hopes the Reddit crowd gets him... π₯Ί
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︎ May 13 2020
There was a Mexican magician who said "I will disappear on the count of 3"! The crowd was silent. He began to count. "Uno... Dos...
and the magician disappeared, with out a trace.
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︎ Apr 05 2020
Did you hear about the crowds at the grand opening of the new Lego store?
People were lined up for blocks
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︎ Jun 09 2020
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
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︎ Jul 13 2020
Heard your dad is a diabetic DJ that drinks cans of sprite during his sets...
The crowds always chanting βback one again for the lemonade masterβ
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Β
I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'Β
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, βThey're watch dogs'!
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︎ Nov 20 2020
With the barber shop finally open after many weeks, there was a huge crowd of people jostling for position to get in...
They really need a hair traffic controller.
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︎ May 18 2020
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︎ May 22 2020
My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd.
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︎ May 03 2020
How do you spot a blind man in a crowded nudist colony?
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Trying to grab some toilet paper among the crowd at Costco was really traumatic.
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︎ Apr 05 2020
What is the best American state to go sunbathing?
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︎ Oct 29 2020
So excited for autopsy club!
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?
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︎ Jun 19 2020
After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling.
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︎ Dec 03 2019
Another one for the IT crowd (if you got this, you are old - sorry)
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︎ Aug 10 2019
What did the cannibalistic comedian say when the audience was hard to eat?
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︎ Dec 18 2020
What do you call a mattock that stands out from the crowd?
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︎ Jan 16 2020
A man storms into a crowded bar with a loaded handgun...
Enraged, he raises the pistol into the air and shouts, "which one of you bastards had sex with my wife?!"
The bar falls silent. After what seems like an eternity, a man in the back replies:
"You don't have enough bullets!"
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︎ Jun 24 2019
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
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︎ Jun 13 2020
Why did the crowd throw ice at his majesty?
Someone shouted βAll hail the kingβ
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︎ Oct 21 2019
A pun or two about magicians and their antics
Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?
Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.
P1: How so?
P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.
P1: You raise at interesting point.
P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?
P1: Yes
P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.
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︎ Oct 14 2020
The crowd watched in suspense as the man attempted to scale the building whilst eating an apple
They feared he may have bitten off more than he could chew
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︎ Nov 03 2019
A dadjoke set for the kindergarten crowd
If you ever end up having to entertain kids around kindergarten age (5 or 6 years old) here are some jokes you can use.
Write the letter Y on a board or piece of paper. Ask, "Can you tell me what this letter is?" and they'll say "Y", to which you respond, "Because I want to know how smart you are."
After a bit of back and forth you can look exasperated that they don't get it (when of course it is you who don't get it), then say, "Okay here's an easy one, can you tell me what this word is?" Write down the word NO and of course the kids will say "NO" and you can say, "You don't know what this word is?" or "You know what it is but you won't tell me?" Kids usually think it's hilarious that an adult can be this dense.
For kids who can spell words, you can use ones like "duck" and then when they say it you can duck as if something is coming at you.
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︎ Jun 09 2018
I saw a crowd of chess enthusiasts talking about how good they were when I was going into the theatre...
.... they were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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︎ Aug 07 2019
My dad told me this: A Spanish magician went up on stage he said to the crowd I am gonna disappear on the count of 3, Uno, Dos then he disappeared without a trace
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︎ Jun 13 2019
How do you draw a crowd?
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︎ Aug 12 2019
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
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︎ Dec 10 2018
What do you call a magical bra?
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︎ Oct 27 2019
This graveyard looks crowded
People must be dying to get in
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︎ Dec 03 2020
This graveyard looks really crowded this year
People must be dying to get in!
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Why do police get to riots early?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Sep 07 2020
I am thinking of pursuing a job as a crowd estimator.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
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︎ Aug 05 2019
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