I thought /r/puns might enjoy these

A couple puns.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

edit: just a bit of formatting showing difference from one pun the other

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-REDDlT-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2012
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I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker

I guess the steaks were pretty high

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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Last light I seen a drunk couple weaving all over the street

I thought β€˜honestly, get a loom’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SR21-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:

"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Fishy_Boi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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How do stoner couples file their taxes?

Jointly!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moist_bum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Couple of coworkers talking about which eye they shoot with...

then they asked which eye I shoot with. I said neither, I use my finger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sybrite
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car

Looks like it was a Christler

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What do you call a gay couple from Alabama?

Super Smash Bros.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BX56_YT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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What couple should you never invite to dinner?

Sam and Ella.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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I met up with a couple mushrooms the other day

They where some pretty fun-gis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shmetiusmetius
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?

Dublin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CasinoKitten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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If you think 2020 was bad, just wait a couple of years.

Because 2022 is 2020 too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!

Our therapist said I need to valley date you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/audioinside
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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I was working behind the bar today when two guys came in and tried to pay with a couple of counterfeit Β£10 notes. When I told the manager, he asked what they looked like..

β€œLike Β£10 notes” I told him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I sold a couple ducks today

Pond em right off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Durdythurty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared β€œStop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...

β€œTrump’s Not Down For the Count”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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There is a couple, that always waits in front of orphanages before they open.

They're better known as the early adopters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/starfoolGER
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:

Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.

Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.

Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.

(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Why did the couple cancel their dinner plans at the local Indian restaurant?

They agreed it was a naan-starter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crash8308
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What do you call it when an older married gay couple make it a rule to go out at least once every 2 weeks?

A man-date mandate

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SusheeMonster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.

I said, β€œNo, only for the next couple of hours.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer

Out of the blue the husband says, β€œ I love you”

β€œ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife

β€œIt’s me” says the husband β€œtalking to the Beer”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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I have a dirty story about a couple of chickens in a motel room...

It's just two fowl to discuss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.

Suspicious mimes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuriouslySentient
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I left a couple of joints in my Ford Fiesta

Now it’s a Ford Siesta

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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A couple days ago i was looking at a fractal

Sadly i never got to see the end of it

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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I told a couple airplane jokes to my friends

But none of them landed well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ewick77
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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A couple of Jokers
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saxbrack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Went to pop a couple anti-inflammatory pills while getting ready for work and wife asks which brand I wanted

I said, β€œI’m taking Advil before Aleeve”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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My dad always introduces my mom as

His β€œfirst wife”

(They’ve been married 43 years)

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I know a Vietnamese couple who got married and decided to both hyphenate their last names

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen scenario

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Did you hear about the couple getting ready for a day in the desert?

They were dunesday preppers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/batmanshsu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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A couple of character shifts and Alice in Wonderland becomes A Lice in Wonderland.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bandicute_Springs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyCatSkits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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We're only a couple of weeks into Fall and the weather is seriously erratic

It could chilly today, but then hot tamale.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I really appreciate couples that divide their feces equally with each other.

They really halve their shit together

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yotapata
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Did you hear about the gay Irish couple?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustINCREDyble
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.

So it can lift me up and make my day better.

I tried to OC.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!

She has the worst stutter ever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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I got lost in a corn maze for a couple days last year

Needless to say I was starving, as fate would have it a ripe piece fell down right at my feet. Startled I called out β€œwell I guess it’s on the house!” To my amazement the stalk came to life and said β€œNonsense! It’s on the cob!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Durian-Shot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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A couple of my favourites...

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes one them? So that when they dock, they can Scandinavian.

And then these work as a one-two punch:

I started a business building yachts from home...sails have been going through the roof.

And before that I had a business clearing the fallen leaves from people's backyards. I was raking it in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tel-aran-rhiod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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