I thought /r/puns might enjoy these
A couple puns.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).
edit: just a bit of formatting showing difference from one pun the other
I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker
I guess the steaks were pretty high
Last light I seen a drunk couple weaving all over the street
I thought ‘honestly, get a loom’.
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
How do stoner couples file their taxes?
Couple of coworkers talking about which eye they shoot with...
then they asked which eye I shoot with. I said neither, I use my finger.
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
What do you call a gay couple from Alabama?
What couple should you never invite to dinner?
I met up with a couple mushrooms the other day
They where some pretty fun-gis
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
If you think 2020 was bad, just wait a couple of years.
Because 2022 is 2020 too.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”
“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”
I was working behind the bar today when two guys came in and tried to pay with a couple of counterfeit £10 notes. When I told the manager, he asked what they looked like..
“Like £10 notes” I told him
I sold a couple ducks today
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared “Stop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...
“Trump’s Not Down For the Count”
There is a couple, that always waits in front of orphanages before they open.
They're better known as the early adopters.
With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:
Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.
Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.
Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.
(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)
Why did the couple cancel their dinner plans at the local Indian restaurant?
They agreed it was a naan-starter
What do you call it when an older married gay couple make it a rule to go out at least once every 2 weeks?
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, “No, only for the next couple of hours.”
A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer
Out of the blue the husband says, “ I love you”
“ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife
“It’s me” says the husband “talking to the Beer”
I have a dirty story about a couple of chickens in a motel room...
It's just two fowl to discuss
I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.
I left a couple of joints in my Ford Fiesta
A couple days ago i was looking at a fractal
Sadly i never got to see the end of it
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I told a couple airplane jokes to my friends
But none of them landed well
Went to pop a couple anti-inflammatory pills while getting ready for work and wife asks which brand I wanted
I said, “I’m taking Advil before Aleeve”
My dad always introduces my mom as
His “first wife”
(They’ve been married 43 years)
I know a Vietnamese couple who got married and decided to both hyphenate their last names
It was a Nguyen-Nguyen scenario
Did you hear about the couple getting ready for a day in the desert?
They were dunesday preppers.
A couple of character shifts and Alice in Wonderland becomes A Lice in Wonderland.
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
My wife insisted she has nudist genes
I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans
Edit: there->their
Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!
We're only a couple of weeks into Fall and the weather is seriously erratic
It could chilly today, but then hot tamale.
I really appreciate couples that divide their feces equally with each other.
They really halve their shit together
Did you hear about the gay Irish couple?
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, “I heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, “Go on then.” First dog continues, “Knock Kno..."
Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...
I got lost in a corn maze for a couple days last year
Needless to say I was starving, as fate would have it a ripe piece fell down right at my feet. Startled I called out “well I guess it’s on the house!” To my amazement the stalk came to life and said “Nonsense! It’s on the cob!”
A couple of my favourites...
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes one them? So that when they dock, they can Scandinavian.
And then these work as a one-two punch:
I started a business building yachts from home...sails have been going through the roof.
And before that I had a business clearing the fallen leaves from people's backyards. I was raking it in.
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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