My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk!

πŸ‘︎ 654
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Seems like a Bassless claim to me
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cREDBARON
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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If I made a bot that spams every person who claims to be a member of the Pun Police with puns...

it would be a fully automatic machine pun.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/copenhagen_bram
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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My wife claims I have 2 major faults

My unwillingness to listen, and, eh, some other thing.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I am worried she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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My friend claims he can eat 5 five kilos of sausages

He's full of bologna

Edit:spelling

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nuudom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Can I claim an Eastern European exchange student as a dependent to reduce my income below the phaseout threshold?

I’m hoping to get a stimulus Czech.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CombatCarlsHand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.

I think that's a bit far fetched.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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My wife claims that vacuum cleaners are always better for cleaning than a brush.

I said, β€œThat’s a sweeping generalization.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Kansas airlines won’t let you use baggage claim for unruly children

Guess I’ll have to carry on my wayward son.

(Not mine, saw on Facebook)

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kilmarnock228
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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I have a friend who claims he is 50% Indian.

His name is Ian.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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A news report claims terrorists have begun putting explosives inside cans of Alphabetti Soup.

If one goes off it could spell disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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My grandfather claims that he had to walk 10 miles to bring water back to his village.

I think that’s a bit far fetched.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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My friend claims she’s bisexual, but I think she’s just gay.

She is a more-or-lesbian.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.

Frankly, I think he's a lyre.

πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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I keep sending my information to the bank but they claim it’s too crooked to read.

They need to get their fax straight.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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There’s a new company that goes in conventions and claim they can track you by your smell

But they can’t do it without your con scent

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurebat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I've always found the claim that rapping to dance music isn't rap music...

... to be hip-hop-critical

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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Vegetarians claim to want nothing to do with meat but every day they walk around on two calves.
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowdaruma
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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On an article about a woman who sawed her hand off to claim insurance
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmaxic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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This guy claims he didn't steal one of the keys from my keyboard, but I don't know...

He seems a bit shifty.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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My wife claims she's upset because I never buy her flowers.

To be fair, she never told me she sold flowers in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainB_MANN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain.

I’m really worried she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sw33tcheeks427
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 530
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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My wife claims that she can remove my chest hair without any pain at all.

I don’t think she will be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend claims that he β€œaccidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy

I just don't see it myself

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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My friend claims that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him.

But that's his story and he's sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 174
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 315
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My friends claim I'm the cheapest person they ever met

I'm not buying it

πŸ‘︎ 298
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend claims that he β€œaccidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 374
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend claims that he β€œaccidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 311
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography.

That’s his story, and he is sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 183
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report

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