I have a co-worker who claimed for years that he hates Christmas. He finally broke down and told me he secretly loves it, he just has a reputation to maintain.
He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
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︎ Nov 30 2020
I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.
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︎ Nov 22 2020
A Vegetarian Claimed to be my Girlfriend
Which is strange because I'd never seen herbivore
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︎ Jul 23 2020
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
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︎ Aug 02 2020
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, βUno..dos..β and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
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︎ Mar 30 2020
My girlfriend left me because of my gambling addiction. She claimed I was an idiot.
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︎ Jul 18 2020
A vegetarian girl walked up to me and claimed we met before ...
I'm sure I never met herbivore
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︎ May 29 2019
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
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︎ Jun 07 2020
My friend went to Egypt and claimed he never swam in a river.
I showed him a picture and he's still in denial.
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︎ Jun 25 2020
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. Iβll let myself out.....
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︎ May 14 2020
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said βi cant believe its not Buddhaβ
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︎ Dec 20 2019
A century ago, two brothers claimed that it was possible to fly.
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︎ Feb 02 2020
My friend discovered and claimed 15 ore veins as his property...
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︎ May 15 2020
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the letteringβs all faded.
Iβm not sure whether itβs 2B or not 2B.
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︎ Feb 07 2020
My college roommate claimed that the more stoned he was, the more logical he became.
That was a wrong high pot thesis.
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︎ Sep 01 2019
A friend of mine claimed that you can't make a suggestive phrase out of a martial art
I asked:
"Muay Thai prove you wrong?"
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︎ Nov 08 2019
I met an astronaut in Mexico who claimed to hold the record for the fastest unassisted orbit around Earth.
I'll never forget Juan Solo.
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︎ Sep 16 2019
A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.
I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.
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︎ Jul 27 2018
My girlfriend claimed that I couldnβt make a joke about soap.
Obviously thatβs a lye.
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︎ Aug 19 2019
There once was a farm, famed for the high quality of product from the award winning cows, many spoke of it in hushed, respectful tones, but none could say where it was, and many claimed, but none could prove that they had been there.
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︎ Feb 04 2019
A glue company claimed it was environmentally friendly but was found to be dumping waste into the local river.
Their PR team is in a sticky situation.
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︎ Apr 26 2019
My grandpa claimed to be able to beat Muhammad Ali in his prime...
Of course in his prime Muhammad Ali was only 4
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︎ Feb 01 2019
Did you hear about the Dad who claimed responsibility for the earthquake?
He said it was all his fault.
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︎ May 15 2018
I had a date cancel on me because she claimed to be constipated.
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︎ Jun 22 2016
My friend claimed he was talking to his friend through a piece of bread.
He calls it the "te-loaf-one".
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︎ Oct 29 2015
I literally told my dad about this subreddit, to which he claimed, "I never make jokes like that".
Today I was home, helping my sister out with her application while she was at school. I come to the strengths and weaknesses part. He looks at me with a straight face and says, "Michael, do not put odor under strengths". cracks big smile nostrils flare..... oh, dad.
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︎ Dec 22 2015
Friend was talking about an article that claimed Jamaican Dancehall music was satanist.
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︎ Aug 24 2014
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