I have a co-worker who claimed for years that he hates Christmas. He finally broke down and told me he secretly loves it, he just has a reputation to maintain.

He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,

But they were such lyres.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.

The frame was remarkable

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strungen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A Vegetarian Claimed to be my Girlfriend

Which is strange because I'd never seen herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tryze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.

What, the actual Fuck.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, β€œUno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.

He disappeared without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 303
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopardusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend left me because of my gambling addiction. She claimed I was an idiot.

She's no better.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A vegetarian girl walked up to me and claimed we met before ...

I'm sure I never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.

They were Wright.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend went to Egypt and claimed he never swam in a river.

I showed him a picture and he's still in denial.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?

He said β€œi cant believe its not Buddha”

πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/basecamp13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A century ago, two brothers claimed that it was possible to fly.

They were Wright

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tedioustiger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend discovered and claimed 15 ore veins as his property...

He was loded!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.

I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matthew2112
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My college roommate claimed that the more stoned he was, the more logical he became.

That was a wrong high pot thesis.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine claimed that you can't make a suggestive phrase out of a martial art

I asked:

"Muay Thai prove you wrong?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JokerInATardis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I met an astronaut in Mexico who claimed to hold the record for the fastest unassisted orbit around Earth.

I'll never forget Juan Solo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/legisleducator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend claimed that I couldn’t make a joke about soap.

Obviously that’s a lye.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopardusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
There once was a farm, famed for the high quality of product from the award winning cows, many spoke of it in hushed, respectful tones, but none could say where it was, and many claimed, but none could prove that they had been there.

It was legendairy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A glue company claimed it was environmentally friendly but was found to be dumping waste into the local river.

Their PR team is in a sticky situation.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa claimed to be able to beat Muhammad Ali in his prime...

Of course in his prime Muhammad Ali was only 4

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Dad who claimed responsibility for the earthquake?

He said it was all his fault.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I had a date cancel on me because she claimed to be constipated.

She's so full of shit.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend claimed he was talking to his friend through a piece of bread.

He calls it the "te-loaf-one".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pokefan993
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
🚨︎ report
I literally told my dad about this subreddit, to which he claimed, "I never make jokes like that".

Today I was home, helping my sister out with her application while she was at school. I come to the strengths and weaknesses part. He looks at me with a straight face and says, "Michael, do not put odor under strengths". cracks big smile nostrils flare..... oh, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshPecksLegs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Friend was talking about an article that claimed Jamaican Dancehall music was satanist.

So it's for lucifarians?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fliclit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
🚨︎ report

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