when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesn’t make a pregnant Barbie.
I told her it was because Ken came in another box.
As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...
...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.
Why was the 2 yr old unvaccinated child crying?
As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents didn't allow it.
They said the sky is the limit.
What is a child most likely going to cry?
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
The worst part of spanking a disobedient child at a supermarket is....
......having absolutely no idea whose child it is.
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out ‘can’t’, ‘won’t’, ‘shouldn’t’, ‘couldn’t’.
The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions
I went to a child psychologist once.
He was absolutely rubbish, he was only seven.
If a child is refusing to go to bed
Are they resisting a rest?
Child: Dad, I’m thankful for you on this thanksgiving.
Dad: Hi thankful, I’m dad.
Must be destiny(‘s child)
A friend of mine just named their child Geneva.
It’s rather too conventional for me...
As a child a friend hit my left eyeball with hammer once
It has really impacted my outlook on life
Have you heard about the child abductor that sleeps alot?
Whom does Asian parents love more than A honorable child ?
What make of vehicles is no better than a child’s plaything?
I was raised as an only child.
It really annoyed my sister.
Having one child makes you a parent...
Having two you are a referee
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
Once you start spreading lube on a child's slide, you won't be able to stop.
A child in Egypt got separated from her mom in the crowd and was looking for her but got confused.
Because there were so many mummies.
What do you call a child on fire at a steakhouse?
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
I wanted to name our child Lance, but my wife said is was too uncommon
... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
A joke told to me by a friend's child. How do bees get to school?
Dad: “Are you cold?” Child: yes...
Dad: Go and stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees over there.
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
I know everyone thinks their child is the best
But a farmer told me his kid is a goat
A child was slightly injured while digging for gold
Not to worry, only Minor Miner Injuries
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
A man walks into a bar and orders a child
"Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve minors."
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said “any means necessary.”
To which I replied “No it doesn’t.”
read “twix” in a child accent it makes the meme better
*Passing every cemetery as a child* Dad would exclaim....
"WOW, people are DYING to get into that place!"
I looked my child in the eye and told them they were not my son
Because I have a beautiful daughter instead
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
When is the most appropriate time to deliver a child?
What can you do if your child doesn't get a place in daycare?
You can send it to the Army. They always have places left in the infantry.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...
...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.
Having a child makes you a parent.
Having two, makes you a referee.
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