Claustrophobia
13: my teen daughter. me: myself
the stage: this evening in the kitchen
13: (looking at her phone) awwww, both of my friends are sick
me: of course they are, they're your friends
13: grahhhhh!!!!! Don't even!!
me: ok, 1, 3, 5, 7
It's whichever one you're about to throw away.
Put in "Vladimir"
It's a slippery slope.
My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son.
We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours!) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice.
Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case...
Him: Yes?
Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say "Baby Changing Station"? Just stick her in there, close the lid...
Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up!
Me: <literally tapdancing away>
[removed]
I've kind of been encouraging it, but tonight my 18 month old did it all by herself.
Getting her ready for dinner, I pull the highchair up to the table.
Daughter: Highchair! Highchair!
Me: It is
Daughter: waves Hi, chair!
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
Coffin
He was having a midwife crisis
I don't understand how genes work...only shorts.
She didn't laugh
A New Jersey
The best answers are always in the comments.
A little boy went into school with a Fitbit watch. His teacher had never noticed him wearing it before, and asked him "did you start tracking your steps?". The boy responded.....
Ravi O'Lee.
...what happens next will SHOCK you!
They went from Mason to Madaughter
But it doesn't bother me until they're 12 years old, then it's gross
She won't say why.
I believe i made myself clear
Edit: i am not a father, i made this joke up and it has nothing to do with transphobia, just requires a little thinking to connect the dots
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ouiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
I regret you all equally.
Hopefully the brakes
He was digorno!
I grounded them.
Her new family should be here within the hour
I miss those little Ted Talks.
I'm so proud of my dotter.
It was just rope memorization.
Who was camping with our group. He ended up scratching himself on his arm a little bit and comes crying to us. I tell him it looks pretty bad and he will have to cut his arm off. He starts to cry louder so I ask why? Is he attached to it or something?
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
She was a devoted wife, and a loving mother; but a terrible surgeon.
...a six year old picked up the phone and told me to fuck off
Dad: Nick is a great kid, I thought only BAD kids got Khol's for Christmas!
I actually said this one tonight and thought I'd share since my wife's eye roll was amazing.
For being an accessory to a kid napping.
You ground him until he conducts himself properly.
Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.
Bills, Bills, Bills
I really need to work on my delivery.
(But seriously, I'm about to be a dad. My wife rolled her eyes at this joke then called me "loco".)
Me: "I love that stuff, I drink so much of it the dentist says I have a river of it in my mouth"
My kid: "Really?"
Me: "Yep! I mean, she called it a root canal but it's basically the same thing"
We couldn’t afford a dog.
The art of “Shu Thai Ying”
They ended up with a slack O’ Latern.
Macauley Skulking
"Don't use that tone with me."
I quickly replied, "You're even prettier empty."
Sine Language.
A long time ago, there was a family with a number of sons and daughters. The youngest son's name was Steven Prise. Because there were so many other brothers and sisters, Steven didn't get attention from the family. To get people to notice him, he had to jump into rooms and yell his name. The people didn't like getting startled, but whatever, it's poor neglected Steven. Obviously, that's no way for a child to grow up, and Steven was aware of that. He told himself that one day, he was going to make something of his life!
He grew up and moved out of the house to forge his own path. Lo and behold, he was able to invent a new farming tool that doubled the harvest. This made him wealthy and the king wanted to honor him by knighting him. They go through the process and the king told Steven that since he's a knight, he should act distinguished, so no more jumping into rooms. Steven begged and the king said fine, but only one more time. He waited for the best opportunity, snuck up to the door, slowly opened it just enough, and then jumped in and yelled, "Sir Prise!"
we couldn’t afford a dog
