I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.
Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?
Me: the same as mommies, I think
Daughter: her middle name is just i think?
I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
I caught my dog chewing on my boots.
I guess he has really good taste in footwear.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
One of my colleagues has just told me he’s caught COVID-19 from his cat...
Just heard about this gun smuggler they caught named T-Rex.
He was a small arms dealer.
What did the whaler say when he caught his wife cheating on him?
No doubt about it, I caught coldvid
I caught my little 4 month old niece chewing on her hand
So I turned to my wife and asked, who gave her the handburger? 🍔
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
From my 8 year old today.
What is the sentencing when you get caught hunting illegally?
Murder in the first deergree
Doc: "Sir, you've caught a very rare disease. "
Me: "How rare?"
Doc: "You pick the name.
A nominee for director of the math department at my school was caught having an affair with her student...
Did you hear about the guys that were caught stealing a calendar?
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
I caught the flu at an airport once.
It was a terminal illness.
(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)
I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.
What did the police officer say when she caught a man peeing on the side of a building?
Urine big trouble mister!
Did you hear about the SeaWorld trainer that was caught molesting the sea cows?
He was arrested for crimes against huge manatees.
Did you hear about the computer that caught a virus?
I have to make dad jokes or I could lose my dad license. It's a thing called D-Law. If you're caught being a dad without a license? Well...
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
The cannibal living next to me caught and killed a clairvoyant...
He only put her in the oven for only half an hour though.
Apparently he likes his medium rare.
They finally caught the guy who's been putting hot sauce in beer mugs
His name: Dr. Frank's-in-stein.
A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.
The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.
I was going on an illegal half marathon yesterday and the cops caught me.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I heard about a politician who was caught accepting bribes from a jean company.
He’s in the pocket of big pants.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
The teacher caught me stirring up trouble in chemistry class...
...so she sent me home with a colloidal suspension.
I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
A buddy asked me how many fish I caught
I told him it's not polite to fish and tell
How do you find the right book in a library that was caught in a flood?
Using the mildewey decimal system!
Never get caught behind Satan in line at the post office.
I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer
Lad from work has just texted me and told me he’s caught Covid from his cat.
Just caught COVID off my cat
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.
I caught my kid chewing on the electrical cords
So I had to ground him
He’s doing better currently
And conducting himself properly...
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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