When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
What would you call Quinton Tarantino if he caught the coronavirus
A Roman Soldier caught the Bartender's eye and gave him the two fingers sign..
" Five beers coming up " said the Bartender.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out....
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs...
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
What Pokémon caught Corona?
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords,
I got caught stealing kitchen utensils
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
What did the novels do when the library caught fire?
I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.
I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.
Did you hear about the coal mining startup that used child labor? Thankfully they caught it early.
So it was only a minor minor miner issue.
I caught my son playing in the toilet
I can’t blame him, it’s in the name.
My 4 year old cousin told me that cows make milk. So naturally I told her the brown cows make chocolate milk. And her jaw hit the floor. I then told her that pink cows make strawberry milk and then she caught me in my lie and said...
TIL there was a cow caught in the crossfire of one of the WWII battles.
It’s rarely mentioned by historians though because it was only considered cow-lateral damage.
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
Just caught my kid eating mayonnaise out of the jar...
What did the fish say when he was caught by the fisherman...
I'm ofishially done with life
What happened to Bullwinkle when he was caught speeding?
He was charged with a moosedemeanor
I got caught coming through customs with a large sculpture of Beethoven’s head
The customs officer said it was their biggest bust ever!
We took Grandpa sledging the other day and he caught a terrible cold. Grandma put goosefat all over his chest.
He went downhill pretty quick after that.
I caught my dog drawing pictures...
Shouldn’t have gotten a labradoodle.
Did you hear there was a photo store robbed recently? They caught the robber, but he says he was framed.
I was caught read handed in the Library.
I used to be a good kid, until I got caught in the mudslide.
That's when everything went downhill.
Police caught me stashing drugs under the bed
I’m now being put under a rest
I almost caught a fish today, but my fishing pole wouldn’t pull it in properly.
It was a reel bad situation.
A grocery store caught a girl stealing bananas.
They had no choice but to ban Anna.
Poor Bart eventually caught Coronavirus..
...He was displaying the usual Simpsons.
Man UFO Israel you can see they are caught on tape. (Caught on tape is taken from a post from this r/ but I don't remember u/ name from 2018)
My friend got caught trying to steal the most expensive chair in the world
and it was all because he was told to please take a seat
I wasn’t too excited when I caught on fire.
Who was the Knight that was caught off guard in the battle field?
How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?
A man caught a deadly virus while waiting for his flight at the airport
I caught a centipede!
99 more and ill have a dollarpede
I just caught my son eating some random thing off the floor
...and I shout at him, “HEY! What is that in your mouth!?!” And he smiles at me and says with the sweetest voice, “teeth.”
🤦♂️
Does this make him the dad now?
I'm so sad, the sun caught Corona.
Everywhere I look there’s another article about Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse caught up in the Coronavirus relief fund scandal.
Man, they’re really getting grilled!
What happened when the terrorists caught McClane in Nakatomi Plaza?
They got their Hans on him.
What did the carrot say when his wife caught him in bed with a cucumber?
Seems I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle.
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....
...but Quasimodo has a hunch.
Hey, what would you do if I caught the virus?
I should have known I would get caught writing graffiti...
I mean, the writing was on the wall.
I caught my son eating some of my fancy cheese.
I said, "Leave my provolone alone."
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me...
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”
REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Two guys got caught stealing fireworks
The cops charged one and let the other one off
I recently caught my dog eating my Scrabble tiles
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
Yesterday, I caught a fish, but then I threw it back in the water
It was Throwback Thursday
What did the cop say to the guy he caught peeing in public?
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
It’s called the Redundant-Sea.
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins...
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
Someone got caught cheating at my church’s limbo contest.
We found out how low they could go.
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
What's it called when you're reeling in a fish you've just caught, and another one comes along and eats it?
My wife caught me balancing on one leg and asked what I was doing.
I told I was practicing for later. As I want to start the new year off on the right foot
My daughter caught me reading one of those coupon newsletters they send from the local grocery store...
Her: "Why are you reading junk mail?"
Me: "It's not, they have real news in here too."
Her: "No they don't...."
Me: "They sure do. I was just reading about a hitman who killed 3 people. He must not have liked them much, because he did it for only $1."
Her: "Nuh-uh, you're totally lying!"
Me: "Nope, looks like the hitman was named was Arty. He choked them to death apparently. "
Her: "Let me see..."
So I showed her the section I was reading:
ARTICHOKES 3 FOR $1
I just caught a glimpse of my wife wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing.
My idiot friend was caught shoplifting from the bakery yesterday.
He has done stupid things before, but this one really takes the cake.
Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage?
Walmart caught me stealing a shopping cart full of merchandise.
They told me to rollback the savings.
Did anyone else hear about the guy who they caught smashing chickpeas?
An abstractionist got caught cheating on his wife
He said "this isn't what it looks like"
The cops caught me having sex with a clock in public again
It looks like I'm doing time
My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercises.
What did Santa Claus say when he caught Mrs. Claus cheating?
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
They caught some guy at the crafting store dipping his testicles in glitter...
My son just caught his first fish and sat on the wall all day admiring it!
What did the police officer say when he caught the artist speeding in a Honda Odyssey?
Man you really make that Van Gogh!
My sister got caught stealing fruit at the grocery, stuffing them in her clothes.
She was caught because staff could see her panty lime.
I caught my toddler peeing on the carpet
I politely asked him to piss off
Those caught in a light infraction may find themselves in a prism
There was a clock robber that got caught during his big heist
They caught him because he was taking to much time
I caught my milkman drinking out of one of my cartons this morning...
Someone just caught me listening to a cheesy early 2000s boy band
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
My wife caught me crossdressing this morning
So i packed her clothes and left.
Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
