Crime is getting worse where I live, so my dad decided to give me some protection and boxed up his trusty 9mm, a big and a small clip and a bunch of shells for me! [Xpost /r/funny]
https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK
Pandora’s box wasn’t actually a box.
In fact, all the trouble started because it was ajar.
I went to a warehouse that held replacement keyboard keys. Huge bins overflowing with letters, numbers, function keys, boxes blocking the aisles full of arrows, and Windows and Apple keys. Space bars everywhere!
They were out of Control.
Luckily I found an Escape.
I got Home eventually.
A man walks into a bar with a mysterious box under his arms.
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
Life is like a box of chocolates
It won't last long if you're obese
Who is in charge of the pencil box?
The ruler
Credit to my elementary school niece
I got a box of Viagra teabags last night
They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.
Friend sent me a timelapse of her folding cardboard boxes, this is how it went.
So I've started wearing boxing gloves while I vacuum.
In Schrödinger's thought experiment, if you open the box and the cat is dead,
then your curiosity killed the cat.
I retired from boxing to become a stand up comic
I had too many punchlines in my head
I didn't know if my boxing instructor was any good
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I had to throw an entire box of animal crackers away.
I don’t understand why my son was so upset I gave him broken down cardboard for his birthday.
He’s the one who kept asking for an ex-box.
No one bird can eat a box or fruit loops...
I can prove that a person is the opposite of a box
If you are paid to drive a person in your car, you're in the livery business.
If you are paid to drive a box in your car, you're in the delivery business.
Q.E.D.
We have a box of dead batteries at home.
They are all free of charge
I have a box of papers belonging to my once wife.
I think I'll label it the "Ex-Files"
Before we left the restaurant, the waitress asked if we wanted a box for leftovers.
"No, I was hoping you'd just give them to us, for free."
I was once kidnapped by mimes...
They did unspeakable things.
Two mice were hurrying across a cracker box.
One asked, "Why are we going so fast?" "Don't you see?" said the other. "It says 'Tear along dashed line.'"
Police are like a box of chocolates...
...they'll kill your dog.
My wife spent years perfecting blue box macaroni and cheese.
It took a long time, but she finally honed her Kraft.
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
My friend the pirate was a national boxing champion.
He had a deadly right hook.
I saw a sign the other day, "we sell moving boxes"
I guess they don't sell stationery boxes.
At the local donation center, only one guy donated anything, and it was a box of poop!
But hey, at least he gave a shit.
A monastery in Las Vegas kept getting chips in their donation box
It got so frustrating they decided to hire a chipmunk
I'm going to open a pizza joint where they shake a box a bit before they hand it to you.
I'll call it Little Seizures.
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
Do you wanna box for your leftovers?
No but I’ll wrestle you for them.
What do you call a happy cowboy?
Why did Ken shrink his street fighting friend's blue box?
He heard you have to reduce Ryu's recycle.
Why did the man give his wife a box of Super Poli-Grip after their fight?
Because it's a great fix-a-tiff.
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
Thai girls are like a box of chocolates....
You never know which ones have the nuts.
My waiter asked me if I wanna box for my leftovers.
I said, "No but I'll wrestle you for them."
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Buying a box of Duraflame logs always requires a little thought...
I have to decide if I have $20 to burn.
I once had a faulty box of Corn Flakes so I called up Kellogg's customer services to see if they could help.
Unfortunately they weren't able to help me in the end as I wasn't able to find the box's cereal number.
Life is like a box of chocolates...
It's destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
What do you call a radio after it blows up
Waiter: do want a box for your leftovers?
Me: no. But I’ll wrestle you for them!
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
