My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
Boss can’t see her employee’s hard work
My boss told me as a security guard my job is to watch the office.
I'm on season six so far, but not sure what it has to do with security.
Boss: How's that new glue?
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My Boss asked me who the stupid one is, Me or Him?
I said, "Everybody knows, you don't hire stupid people. "
Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are always sick on weekdays.
Me: It must be my weekend immune system.
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
My boss told me.
My boss told me that I’ve been late to work three times this week. I then told him that it’s only Wednesday.
A guard’s boss didn’t bother congratulate him on his recent success and started to cry.
Seeing this, a robber sneaked past, and when the boss ended up being in the next room, the boss asked, “how’d you get past security?” In response to this, the robber said “you let your guard down.”
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
A clumsy employee knocked over his boss’s coffee cans and wasted all his coffee.
It was grounds for dismissal!
My boss said to me "You're the worst train driver ever! How many have you derailed this year?!"
I said "I don't know... it's hard to keep track"
Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
I came home from work upset. "My boss fired me because I expressed my opinion," I told my wife.
She said, "That's a human right."
I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."
I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.
Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving
I told him it's because they are stationary
My computer broke, and my boss told me to take it to the IT guy
So I went outside and threw it in the sewer
Did you hear about the Frenchman at the hat shop who kept getting yelled at by his boss?
He got tired of being beret-ted all of the time.
TIFU: by ordering a sandwich my boss was allergic to.
I walked into my boss' office to tell him I'd like to be considered for a promotion.
I sat in the chair and said, "Boss, I want a higher position."
"Well, if you push that lever," he said, pointing by my legs, "the chair will go up."
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
My boss told me to have a good day ...
My boss said, " You should have been here at 8."
I said, " Why!! What happened at 8?"
My boss came in the other day and said it's cat had come home missing an eye...
I said that's weird cause I saw one in the middle of the road on my way in this morning
(At bosses funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)
"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
My boss asked me why I went to the gym to get office supplies
I told him that's where I get toner
My boss asked me if I could manage the tills.
So I told them to serve the queue and walked off.
What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
What do the Japanese call a gang member responsible for keeping the boss's beer cold?
An egg got late to work. He says to his boss:
I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.
She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".
At the office barbecue, I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K...
I’m not sure how he expects anyone to run that far!!!
I asked my boss Juan for some time off and all I got was a little cow.
I just wanted a little vaca.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
My boss told me to have a nice day.
At my boss's funeral, kneeling down and whispering slowly.
Who's thinking out of box now Kevin?
Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are sick only on weekdays.
Me: It must be my weakened immune system.
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