Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
“You herd me!"
Ay poppy
It was the count of Monty’s Crisco.
That took a lot of guts!
Then he fired me.
Dammit autocorrect!
I said we need to invest in CLOUD based IT infrastructure!
Totally nailed it.
Just so I cover all the bassists.
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
Stupid Subway
He said to do it on my own Time.
But I’m just grasping at straws here.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked
The celery was unacceptable.
Scientist: Got it.
Boss: And make sure....it looks like an oxidant.
Weird flecks, but ok.
Boss texts me: “That’s hilarious, send me another one!”
My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.
So that's what I have to deal with.
Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.
The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.
Boss: "What happened?"
Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."
Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."
Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.
I've told everyone about this the past couple days.
But then we made up.
He said that it was my basic salary.
I think he means a sign.
I guess all of that money went to her head.
It scared the shit out of me
Underlay underlay!
For reference: Link to wiki
Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:
-
Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."
-
Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."
-
Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".
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Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."
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A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".
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Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."
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A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."
-
A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."
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A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."
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Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."
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A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".
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In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".
-
Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"
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Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."
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The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"
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An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"
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An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"
-
Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"
-
A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"
Sorry about the possible typos.
I was sitting on the computer doing some sort of paperwork spreadsheet (I don't remember, this was last week) and my boss brings in four of my coworkers and starts talking about what needs to get done, when it needs to be done, and how it should be done because we're in crunch time. Everyone is serious-faced, including me.
He stops momentarily and rubs his ears, commenting how it hasn't stopped ringing since this morning.
Without missing a beat, I asked him why he hasn't answered it.
I guess it really was that serious because he just glanced at me and then kept talking, and everyone else just gave me the eye.
Felt fucking amazing though!
Conda sending condecending con decending
I work in a kitchen and at night the floor mats need to rolled up and washed. While watching a new kid struggle with a ripped mat, I said "I think it's about time we get a new mat."
Our boss, named Matt, instantly yells from inside the nearby office "Oh come on, I'm sitting right here!" And while I didn't physically see it, I could feel the giant smile on his face as we all laughed
My manager told me she didn't know if she could handle work today. I said "Oh, you'll manage."
I sent an email to all the department managers seeking approval for a particular process change, and the last line was
>If you agree, please reply all and say “Approved” or “I agree” or something to that effect
My direct boss immediately replies with
>Approved by [his initials] or “I agree” or something to that effect
Happy Friday!
Rude-elf.
When he found out Santa shouldn't have gotten mad, he only had his elf to blame.
Now Santa won't forgive him until elf freezes over.
If you have one piñon nut in one hand, and two piñon nuts in your other hand, what is the difference?
A difference of a piñon.
When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing
“I c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”
Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.
Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.
Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, “HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”
To which the thief replies, “You let your guard down”
My boss sent me an email with this screenshot, particularly proud of himself. I thought it belonged here.
We have the old-rock radio station playing in our office and I was mockingly humming along to the tunes of one of the songs.
Then my supervisor says, "Oh I know you are not making fun of Def Leppard."
"It's not like they would be able to hear me if I was." I replied.
No one laughed, but the manager walked out of his office to say, "Come on guys, you have to admit that one was good."
There with a company with a lot of travelling salespeople, and they had an accounting procedure that was somewhat unusual. Since the salespeople were driving around a lot, they had to pay a lot of highway tolls. They would get reimbursed for this. Since these expenses were so common, and different from other expenses, they had a series of ceramic tiles that represented the amount of money they paid to take these highways. At the end of the day, after travelling their routes, they would come back and put them in the cash register and take money out to reimburse themselves. But the highways all raised their rates, and so the salespeople would come back with hands full of their tiles. So one Friday, after raised rates and very busy travel, the boss came in to look at the receptionist and her overloaded cash register. He asked her what was going on, and she said:
"The tall tiles in the till tell a tale of tall tolls"
I totally nailed it!
