i began to read a horror book in braille.......
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
...Australians usually boo meringue
π︎ 290
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
A pair of underwear walked into the bar, ordered a drink, and began to tell the bartender a story. He went on and on and on.
The bartender interrupted him and said, "Hey can you make this brief?"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
There was a Mexican magician who said "I will disappear on the count of 3"! The crowd was silent. He began to count. "Uno... Dos...
and the magician disappeared, with out a trace.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Apr 05 2020
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, βNO! Donβt chop me down! Iβm a talking tree!β
The lumberjack responded, βAnd you will dialogue.β
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 16 2020
In France, when the honey bee revolution began they broke out a tiny little guillotine for the Queen...but she laughed in their faces.
No matter how much they tried, the guillotine wouldn't work. When the chief executioner examined the situation it was clear why, she had already been "bee-headed"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 18 2020
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
π︎ 313
π
︎ Jul 04 2019
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek"
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed... She's just having contractions."
π︎ 271
π
︎ Nov 25 2018
A man burst into a doctor's office and began asking all sorts of strange questions to the people waiting inside. When the doctor asked him to stop, he didn't. The doctor replied
You're really testing my patients.
π︎ 91
π
︎ Apr 04 2019
Near the end of my wife's pregnancy she suddenly began yelling out "can't!", "won't!", "shan't!", "mustn't!", and suddenly it dawned on me..
I think she's having contractions!
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 15 2018
I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that heβd start growing a beard βtomorrowβ, but he never did.
He was a bald faced liar.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 04 2019
As I was preparing breakfast for my sons, they both said they wanted pancakes. As the first batch was almost finished, they began to argue over who would get the first pancakeβ¦
I said, βIf Jesus were sitting here, he would say, βLet my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.ββ
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, βRyan, you be Jesus!"
π︎ 25
π
︎ Aug 18 2019
The latest royal baby just began speaking today! No comment from Buckingham Palace so far.
Apparently, Mum's the word.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 02 2019
During my appointment, the dentist began to collapse
So I thought to myself, "Ok, brace yourself".
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 17 2019
A father began homeschooling his son
A father began homeschooling his son and it was time to begin chemistry. The son asked, "Dad, why are you teaching me chemistry?"
The father responded, "Oh, I just thought it would be nice to have a little bonding time."
π︎ 533
π
︎ May 21 2016
I was the solo support act for minor local rock group, 'Nothing'. My set went terribly. I was out of tune, really nervous, the equipment was failing too. The crowd began to boo and leave in droves.
I said, "you ain't seen Nothing yet!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 02 2019
The crew began removing/replacing our siding this morning
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 24 2019
So my pregnant aunt began to have contractions...
My dad: Can't she hold it in? It's Independence Day not Labor Day!
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jul 05 2014
Two pages into my autobiography, I began to feel a bit lifeless...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 02 2018
Two peanuts began arguing
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 14 2018
My mother-in-law was having dinner with us, and began coughing while eating her corn on the cob. She said, "I'm choking on a kernel of corn".
I said "at least it wasn't a General of Corn". No one laughed except me.
π︎ 106
π
︎ Jun 27 2016
i began my research paper with "Of course, obesity is not an issue to be taken lightly" and then quickly realized how insensitive that'd be
sometimes accidental puns do not work in my favor
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 15 2015
What would happen if a hippo escaped from the zoo and began running amuck in the streets?
I dunno, I don't like hippothetical questions.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 04 2017
My local bowling league has just began a walkout until better playing conditions are met
People are still unsure if strikes have increased or decreased during this period
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 05 2017
I recently began my journey to becoming a vegetarian..
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 27 2016
I began reading a horror story in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
π︎ 89
π
︎ Sep 28 2019
I began reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Mar 19 2018
I began reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jun 11 2019
I began reading a horror novel in braile
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Sep 05 2018
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
