I assumed that all the girls I met in college thought I was sweet.

Turns out that’s not what they meant when they called me un-savory.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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There's a cannibal on the loose who only eats people living under assumed names.

The media are calling him the Om Nom Nom de Plume.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihavespaceballs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2016
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Apparently this was a serious question. Assumed it was a dadjoke

Me talking to my godfather: " [...] one of these Teutonic metal bands like Saxon [...]" 19 year old godsister: "What's Teutonic metal? Is it like two different tones at once?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tronquixote
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
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Is it safe to assume this subreddits fav marvel character is The PUNisher
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AussieWizard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fek_user
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Fossil study
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odikorotawai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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I'll see myself out 🀣
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...

Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 585
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Today I learned I will assume my final form and will he becoming a dad in December.

Probably name my kid Luke so I can remind him who I am for the rest of eternity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/macbeezy_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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A guy walked into my shop.

"I'm looking for quite a big tub of hand gel," he said.

"Here's one," I showed him, "this is 250ml."

He said, "Wow, that's far too expensive."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Did you hear that the new Obi-Wan show from D+ isn't going to have Liam Neeson in it?

Apparently his role was taken.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loicwg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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When I post a joke and no one rates...

I just assume they all died from laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.

I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Who is Fleur Ting, and why do people assume I’m her while I talk to girls?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Well he’s not wrong
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3.

He says, β€œuno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Never pick a fight with a music teacher

You may think it’s A minor offense, but the punishment could B major

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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I assume

You know what assume means.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RusticNomads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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We named our band Windmill

So people would assume we had a fairly large fan base

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moneybot13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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A lot of people assume pirates prefer to be in the navy.

But actually they prefer the arrrrrrrrmy.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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If I get a message on my phone after midnight I always assume it's about disposable gloves

because it's a late-text (latex)

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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What did one nut say while chasing the other nut?

"I'm a CASSSHHHEWWWW!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fentsterTHEglob
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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It's safe to assume that, once someone rises to the rank of Colonel, they will continue to be promoted.

Though I guess that's just a generalization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DthAlchemist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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I would assume no news is good news.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
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I told my son NOT to download any microbiology text books.

He just did and now we have like 40 viruses on our computer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I need help solving a pun/riddle.

Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.

So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.

However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Hipster_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Who are the ants married to?

Ants are married to uncles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/killerbunnyfamily
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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You know what happens when you assume, right?

You suppose something to be the case, without proof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/huntegowk
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I’ll always remember what my dad said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, β€œHey! How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teapin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Assuming this is kosher
πŸ‘︎ 235
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lord_humble
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2015
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Why was six afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a prime number and I assume they can be very intimidating

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trashpanda-5143
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.

He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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What does Dr Pepper have a doctorate in?

Fizz-ics

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarthPhl
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Bought a dog from a blacksmith.

He's great, as soon as I got home he made a bolt for the door.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theoriginalclarky
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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My best friend said they had an exam that was a piece of cake

Then I got confused because I only saw questions about pi

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I've been writing a series of books about decibels...

I'm currently on volume 5

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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My dad did this earlier

He said, "I gotta P" I assumed he meant piss but he pulled out a Piece of paper that had the letter P on it and handed to me Then he said, "Now you gotta P"

I'm still laughing

Edit: he did this and in front of my family and made me laugh my ass off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ch4rg3_t0_100_b0i
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I just watched a Movie about a y= x graph!

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat!

Had good Special f(x) though

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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If witches, drunks, and hobos show up at my doorstep, I can only assume it’s Halloween.

Because our family reunion was in April.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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The vegetable shop had to close

The vegetable shop had to close down. Why? IT WAS FULL OF LEEKS

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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